Happiness is a fleeting moment.
Upon feeling empty I often look back to the last time I was happy. Was it last weekend when I went to Reno and met a beautiful girl from online? Well, I had a good time, just dinner and the golfing range on a hot dark night. No sex. No kiss. Just a long lingering hug, that and 1057 miles without AC in a 1993 Blue Eclipse, driver’s sun burn, and dehydration.
Was I happy when I saw Iron Man? Or will tomorrow bring me happiness when I see Indiana Jones?
Maybe over coming addiction brings happiness, when two days ago my World of Warcraft account was permanently disabled for botting. In fact the following day the only thing I planned on doing as a direct result was cooking. I started the morning cooking crepes, not just any old breakfast item at 2pm in the afternoon after sleeping in. Crepes that took a couple of hours to make, that I put chicken, celery, and cream of mushroom soup inside of and baked them in the oven. Right as I finished that meal an old friend came over that I used to date. But my heart was not interested in anything more than a hug, yet again. Later that night I bbq’d up some ribeye’s , my favorite cut of steak. But the next morning I was hungry.
Today I went to my internship at the local top news station, and later in the evening my father who also works there (but did not help me in any regard get that internship) shared praises from his own bosses who run of mill ”Don’t give a shit about nothing.” But yet they said good things about me. So I’m well on my way of securing a job in the news career, as I graduate in the fall with a Bachelors in Communication with an emphasis in Electronic Media. I even cooked a mighty tasty self concocted vegetable soup that consisted of everything you’d put into soup plus some wild rice, lentils, and ground beef.
And yet, I feel empty.
I haven’t recovered from a breakup that wasn’t even my latest breakup. Yeah, the girl that I threw away because I was stupid. The one that was probably THE ONE. The girl that touches you without touching you, and you feel her touch deep inside your heart. But she doesn’t love me anymore, who could after what I did to them. I threw her away, and now she won’t answer my phone calls.
I only told of my last week, because the month before that was a blur of escaping into World of Warcraft. Which I started the day she said the final final goodbye to me, so gently but so difficult to accept. She didn’t do it the same way I did it to her, she didn’t walk away coldly in the night, she kissed me goodbye. I don’t know if it was harder for me or harder for her. I guess it doesn’t matter. Let the reader note that running away to a game, virtual game even, is the exact same thing as popping pills, getting drunk, or rebounding. They are all the same thing, emptiness on hold.
Active as I am, ever empty do I feel. I never could keep happiness for long, I threw it away. That’s why happiness is a fleeting moment.