11:45: I'm having trouble believing in E2 at the moment.

I mean, I can see that the database is good for referencing, good for finding information of a wide range of subjects, but on the other hand I can see that this is a place where unpopular opinions are silenced quickly, not by someone telling you to shut up, but by people hiding in the shadows and slipping out to deliver a quick blow, fully aware that they will never have to justify their actions. If someone came forth and argued against me, then I would be quite happy, even if later on I realised that I was in the wrong (well, not happy), but they dont, not even when challenged and taunted, they just hide.

On the 19th of May I posted a writeup until the title Who Cares?. This writeup had two parts, the first of which was a personal story from my life about someone who continually used this phrase, and how stupid it was.

The second part was an arguement against using the link Who Cares? in E2 as a way of giving feedback.

The writeup is now at -5. I am sure that an editor is going to come along and mark it for deletion soon, and when they do I am going to have to protest. Despite being a little bit abrasive, the writeup makes a good arguement, it is well-written, has links, correct spelling and is definately in the correct node. When it is destroyed, it will not be because the writeup is bad, it will be because the Editors will have seen that is is unpopular and killed it.

This is where the problem lays. If writeups are killed not because of their lack of value to the database, or their inaccuracy, but instead because they are unpopular, or the writer has expressed an opinion that 5 people dont like, then what hope do we have of this ever being an accurate depiction of Everything?

As I said, I'm having a hard time believing in E2 right now...


12:42: I come back to E2 and find my Who Cares? writeup at -1.. and a chatterbox filled with messages with advice and help. Suffice to say that my faith and belief in E2 has been firmly re-established.

I would like at this time to apologise to any editors who read this writeup and took offense. It was never my intention to attack you, but rather to point out a flaw in the system that I had thought existed.

A surprisingly bad mood.

Most Saturdays are spent prowling South Street with my friends. However, I couldn't find any of them. I didn't want to prowl by myself (that looks suspicious). I was feeling depressed, as everyone online (E2, newsgroups, etc), seemed to think it was bash-Mary-day. I was depressed. I got in my car.

I drove without thought, without plan. I drove. I drove forty miles west of home, called west for reasons I don't entirely understand, and kept driving, even accidentally through a town I used to live in and hate, kept driving, until the shopping centers and housing developments faded behind me, kept driving, until suddenly I saw a lake.

I pulled over to the side of the road, parked my car, and walked about 100 paces through the woods, to a place where I could climb down onto the bank. It was rocky, no beach, just a straight drop and about four feet of rocks before the water. I sat there, spellbound by the silence, by the lonlieness, feeling not-quite-transcendent, but better. I sat, writing, writing a monologue for a play, gutting all of my emotions, my anger, my lonlieness.

And when I felt able, I climbed up, out, to the car, and east to home.

I was planning on doing nothing this weekend with regard to work. Things have been breaking left and right for the past two weeks. I figured it was done for the moment.

I figured wrong.

First, I get woken up twice by salesmen (one, trying to sell me Chinese Long Distance, another, trying to sell magazine subscriptions.

Then, a co-worker calls. We don't have a duty roster, so we're all fair game. The new A/C has went down, one of our HP-UX machines sent us e-mail. So off to work I go. I figure, might as well get some documentation written while I'm waiting for the A/C to cool down everything (someone had turned UP the thermostats!).

Get home after all this crap, and the VPN goes down between two of our data centers. Then a server goes down.

What's next? Ugh.

Earlier this evening we had our first fight. This feels as important a milestone as the first date, first kiss, or the first I Love You. It sets a precedent.
I'm not sure how I feel about the precedent we've set.

It started out innocently enough. His best friend 'Heather' is a sweet girl. I like her very much, and she has always appeared to feel the same way about me. Tonight she threw a party. All of their friends would be there. Yay. But... His pyscho 16 year old ex girlfriend, 'Mary', would be there.
Yes, 'Mary'... the 'Mary.'
The one that attacked Matt at Heather's house the first time she saw us together.
They had broken up more than three months before. The Mary that everyone agreed would never be invited to another gathering at Heather's house again because of it. But she was invited. And to appease the beast, I was asked not to come.

I feel like Mary needs a reality check. Their relationship is over, and has been for a very long time. Matt and I have managed to flourish despite the damper she put on things at the beginning. Everyone coddles her because they fear her borderline personality disorder temper, and she's used to getting whatever she wants from this crowd. But I didn't want to sit at home because she's nuts. I pointed all of this out to Matt, and he agreed. He called Heather.

Heather said that it was now a space issue. There were going to be 10 or 15 people there, and she didn't want it to get too big. She said that no one else was bringing guests.
Heather's family is very well off, and their home is huge.
Matt had talked to Jack. We both knew that Jack was bringing his lovely girlfriend Sarah. And Heather knew Sarah would be there.
Matt pointed out to me that Heather is gender dysphoric, has severe social anxieties, hates crowds, is afraid of relationships and afraid of losing her friends to their SOs, and probably just didn't want a houseful of people. And the less happy couples around, the happier she is. That's when I blew up.


I stopped. I looked at the clock. I sucked in my breath.
"I'm acting like Mary. I don't know how the hell that just happened, but I pulled a Mary. And I'm sorry, honey. The party is not the issue. And I'm furious with Heather for coddling Mary's neuroses and giving you such a crock of shit excuse for not wanting me there. And it hurts that I'm nothing more than A Girlfriend to Heather. She's always treated me like a friend up until now, and this hurts and confuses me. But you didn't do it. And there is nothing you can do without being rude to Heather. And I want you to have a good time tonight. You told Heather you'd be there, and I don't want you to let her down. I don't want to be like Mary, sweetheart. I don't like the way I feel. I don't like the things I said to you..."

He said that next time, he would not accept an invitation if I was being blatantly barred just because of Mary. He said that if Heather were to pull this again, he'd fight it, and if she insisted, he wouln't go either.

We hung up, and I was stunned by the way I'd blown up at him. I still can't believe that I acted that way. It scares me.
He's there now. I sincerely hope that he's having fun, but I'm afraid that I ruined his night before he even got to the party. I...I...
I'm sorry, Matt.

My love for him cuts my heart like a knife. I found my love for him again tonight in my pain. The purity and strength of it hurts so much. I’m vulnerable to his whims. When I hurt him, I am hurt even more. All of his pain is reflected back at me three-fold.

And his love for me? What of it? How strong, how deep, how transient is it?

I can't stand it. I can’t let someone have control over me like this.

He tells me we all grow up and mature with pain. I guess I must be a real big girl now.

Tonight someone asked me how it is that I can be so... old at 28 and still not drink alcohol. Apparently they keep forgetting that I am a Baha'i and therefore don't drink or do drugs to alleviate depression or... whatever it is that I've been plagued with lately. I'm not sure what the word for how I'm feeling these days is, but I'm summing it up with: I'm just so very tired.

I'm tired of seeing the wrecks before they happen; I'm tired of seeing fear and iniquity in people's eyes and hearts; I'm tired of feeling the faithlessness that grinds the souls of men and women into dust; I'm tired of waiting for the people I love to awaken from the slumber of doubt; I'm tired of trying to teach when the people asking questions deny the answers; I'm tired of talking to someone while they merely hear and never listen. I'm tired and I'm beginning to feel used up, like... there's only a tiny portion of myself left and it might not be enough to carry just myself through the rest of this life. Regardless of how much sleep I get these days, I wake up feeling as though I hadn't slept in centuries and I have centuries more to endure before true rest comes upon me. Miles behind and miles to go, ya know? No rest for the weary.

I almost want to quit, withdraw from everything and try to recoup and regroup. No, I am not anywhere close to suicidal- life is still rich and beautiful and worth every second of living, of that I am absolutely certain. Humanity, though, keeps disappointing me more than it enriches me. I continually struggle with my own tests and challenges while others keep right on bending my ear, giving me pause, so that they can get advice, guidance, praise, hope- whatever I happen to be full of at that time which is good and uplifting. It seems as though others fail to realize that I have my own doubts, problems, fears and troubles to overcome. It is rare that someone comes to me and asks, "How are you, Jay? Is everything okay?" Instead people automatically assume that I can handle anything they give me and that I will always have the right answer, that I'll be able to point them in the right direction without missing a beat.

"My girlfriend is pregnant. She wants the baby but isn't mature enough, even by her own admission, to be a proper mother. And I'm not in a position to be a proper father. My ex-wife is still suing me after 5 years of being apart. What should I do? Abortion isn't an option, either. I'm stuck, Jay. Help me."
"My career isn't going anywhere, no matter how much I try and what I do, everything keeps falling apart. This band I'm in is about to break up and I'm afraid of what might happen if it doesn't break up. The contract we've been offered sucks, but it's the only thing we got and some of the guys are so hungry for success that they're willing to take the first thing that comes. I've got to quit to save my own ass, but if I leave, the band falls apart. How do I do the right thing without hurting them? What is the right thing?"
"I'm in love with this girl and she can't make up her mind about who she is or what she wants. It's killing me slowly, but I love her. I can't focus on what to do. She breaks up with me and I always feel like it's my fault. What should I say or should I say anything?"

I tell all of these people that the truth is very simple: I don't know. All I know is what's right for me, what my faith tells me, what my heart's desire is and what I would do if I was in their shoes. I can't tell these people what to do with their lives. I haven't before and I won't start now, but they keep coming to me. Not the same ones, a wide variety of them, but they all want guidance, wisdom. Can't these people fend for themselves? Can't they stop and consult their own hearts and minds for once? Why am I all of a sudden their confessor and priest? I'm not a priest; Baha'is have no clergy, dammit. We're responsible for our spiritual development. Don't look to me for the answers because my answers are probably going to be different from the answers that're right for you!

"I shall not dwell on the unpleasant things in life..."

I wear my exhaustion like a suit of armor, plain and visible almost to the naked eye. My spine is erect and I walk straight, my eyes are bright and watchful, ever vigilant for that next experience. But, still, my heart is heavy with the burdens of others and my own heartaches... my center is about to give, my inner strength is flagging and I can take no more. I am just so very tired, with miles to go before I am free.

Would someone else like to take my job, please? I need a vacation. Better yet, would someone please take an interest in my woes for once? I have a lot to get off my chest and no one seems too keen on sticking around and listening.


Warning: Strong language (But I hope the stuff here is rational...)

Random comments on Opera web browser, version 5.0 for Linux (Got this because Mozilla probably doesn't run too well on this P166 machine in Kuhmo and NS4.7 stinks):

  • Qt user interface is NOT something I would think highly of. (No, it's not just old license grudges... I don't like the default Windows-like look.)
  • "Identify as MSIE 5" as default. Ick-ack-grr-ouch. Spoofing as another browser is a bad idea... and spoofing the Behemoth makes it only worse.
  • Configuration was a nightmare. I wanted to set my home page. Spent 10 minutes looking around the preferences (that were helpfully put under the File menu, I wonder what the preferences have to do with files anyway)... oh, the damn thing was in completely different menu (Navigation > Set home page...).
  • MDI sucks. It really does.
  • Speaking of MDI: If I keep the actual page windows maximized, and a popup appears... yes, the window shrinks. Brilliant? NOT.
  • It doesn't render PNGs correctly - doesn't have any clue about alpha channel. (Surprise surprise...) This is 2001.
  • I'm NOT a fan of shareware - and even less a fan of adware. These banners make me feel dizzy.
  • Status and window bars in the top as default... blah.
  • Location bar hidden while loading. Need to hit Stop before typing new URL in case I change my mind while page is loading...
  • Everything - including links I followed - go to the URL bar history. Netscape only put the URLs that I had typed in there, and even that was too much IMHO (I didn't want 404s to go there.)
  • HTML and CSS rendering appears to be as good as what Mozilla does. Good, that...
  • Popup window management isn't nice. Allow open, open in window, or open in background - but no option to disallow the damn thing. (AFAIK Mozilla has this, but it didn't have UI for it yet...)


  • Generally, UI sucks.
  • PNG rendering sucks.
  • Banner ads suck.
  • It IS better than NS4, however. Anything can beat NS4's HTML and CSS engines... =)


Hmm, I was not able to post that rant for one reason only: Couldn't get to E2 via this dialup... and when I ssh'd to the university and lynxed from there, I noticed that Cheese Worm had went to front page Cream of the Cool.

Heh... strange. =)

In a few hours I'm again on my way to Oulu...


E2 accepts donations via PayPal now?


Too bad that service smells like <fake russian accent> amerikan kapitalist ploy.</accent> I guess none of the local banks (mine included) know anything about them, and I don't have a credit card.

Plus, I'm just a poor student. And foreign payments cost even more...

I would be glad to help to combat the lag, but I guess it's not possible with my financial status...


Okay, I'm home now... just having a minor headache, nothing seriously serious.

Other day logs o' mine...

(Not noded much... updated things a bit earlier today but that's about that.)

Ah! Sunday afternoon and I am nursing a particularly evil hangover. Why do us brits feel the need to drink an ocean when a small pond would suffice?, the curse of northern european culture I guess.

I am on a flying visit to my hometown (Ramsgate, Kent) to see the folks, catch up with a few straggling mates who haven't quite made it to London yet and to drink myself into oblivion - and I've achieved all three in under 24 hours, fantastic!!!

My life seems to be following its tail - I'm approaching 27 and doing most of the same things as I did at 21! which is quite a good thing really as the thought of quiet evenings in, a dog, a cat and 2.4 children is really rather frightening.

I am also sitting here wondering how a very good friend of mine's evening out on the pull went last night?, another 26 year old doing the things she did at 21 (or should I say 'doing things' that are 21? hmmmmmmmm!).

Somehow, the thought of a 100 mile drive back to my South London pad is not a prospect I am currently relishing. At least the Sunday roast my mother is lovingly preparing should hold me in good stead - there comes a point when spag bol or chili con carne become a somewhat tiresome choice of Sunday afternoon fayre.

Until later then, keep chasing rainbows y'all.

Wow, I just realized something today. I was doing my random node voting when I saw the statistics node and it said I have 400 exp. I proceed to the Exp Points page and see that I should be level 4 by now. shit... I'm still level 2 with 22 more writeups to go. I'm going to need 103 more writeups before I have to start worrying about exp again. In a way thats pretty cool, but then again, with the way I've been noding lately, that seems like an eternity.

Also this week, I experienced a first that everyone looks forward to when they start playing the dating game. Yes fellas, I'm referring to the first kiss. It was great, me and my girl were watching Shrek and during the last part of the movie when Shrek bursts into the wedding, and he kisses her (Sorry if i've spoiled the movie for anyone). We both looked at each other and we kept getting closer until our lips met and the best night of my life began to happen. Then (ironically) the house lights came on and someone yelled "Hey ya'll get a fuckin room"... Me and my girl quit and looked at each other and both told the guy to fuck off.

Things happen to me in threes. If one person that I know dies, I can be absolutely certain that two more will. If one good thing happens, two more will follow. I realize that this is probably all in my head, but it's real to me. This is my tale of three birds.

About 10 days ago a bird got caught in my stovepipe. We could hear it fluttering and trying to escape. I tried all sorts of ways to get it out, but no luck. Finally, as expected, after 2 days the poor bird got exhausted and fell into my stove. My 9 year old son and I opened the stove slowly, caught the tiny sparrow, took it outside and set it free. As it flew off to freedom, we both smiled. It felt good. Two days later I go camping in a cabin with my son's cub scout group. As I go upstairs to pack our stuff and go home, I see a hummingbird trapped inside the building. I catch it gently and after showing it to some of the scouts, I set it free. It sits in my hand for a minute before flying away, and I am amazed at it's tiny beaty. I feel good. This week my best friend moved away. Her Indian name is Bird. Bird has struggled with drug addictions, domestic violence, sexual abuse, depression, and endless other problems. I've helped her some, and she's helped me through some of my problems. I know Bird needs to fly free, but it doesn't feel so good. Or maybe it does. I am amazed at the lessons we are presented if we only have the eyes and the heart to see them.

Mmm, alcohol
My last real day of uni for the year - but only one lecture at 11, and I didn't quite manage to make it, largely due to having spent the morning messing about here on e2. I did go to the library though, and stayed for a whole hour before heading to the GU for lunch. And I stayed for a while to play a bit of pool. And I almost won (albeit with quite a bit of help)

It was a friend's birthday, too, so we went out in the evening for a wee bitty of a celebration. The plan was to go to T.G.I. Fridays, but their bar is over 21's only (this despite the legal age for drinking in the UK being 18). We went to a pub just below my old work instead, and some people were on Alien Brain Hemmorage shooters - and the Absinthe caused some problems for Kyle, who was later ejected from the Strathclyde Union for chucking a glass at the wall.

That did kinda take a wee bit of fun out of the evening, but it wasn't too bad. Very cheesy, as per usual. And there was a bit of mucking around in George Square - like stargazing, depsite it being cloudy, and Jena trying her hand at pole dancing, followed by sliding down the pole at high velocity.

lemme hear it now.. "it's a small world.."

When we first got online, on AOL, way back when, I got to know quite a few people, some of them even in the same country (somewhat unheard of before the internet was big in Scotland). One of the first people on my buddy list is from Dundee, about 80 miles from here. I'd been there once or twice, but never managed to meet her. So when we were invited along to my second cousin's girlfriend's 30th birthday bash, I thought I might take it as a chance to see her in the flesh.

The plan was to maybe meet her for a drink or something if I got bored at the party, which was likely because I knew very few people there. We didn't have anything definite planned, but I did get a text from her to say that she'd probably be going to Mardi Gras (one of Dundee's two clubs) after work. I asked her where she worked (since I'd forgotten), and Queen's Hotel was the answer.

The party were were at was in the Queen's Hotel function suite.

I let her know that's where we were, and my family started to be annoying and pointed to every female employee, asking "is that her"? (None of them were).

Eventually, I went up for another few drinks - all out of my dad's pocket, and wasn't served by her, but did see Jenni behind the bar.

Of all the places in Dundee, eh..? :)

After the party was over, and she'd done a bit of tidying up, I stayed up with Jen and various other members of staff in the bar (which was free, since it was closed to the public). Most of them went home around 2.30, but Jenni stayed with me and we talked pretty much till the sun was coming up, not long before 5.

She got me a spare key for the room, and that was fine - but my sister had decided to put the chain on the door, so I woke her up when I was trying to be quiet, and she was less than pleased.

It was really great to finally meet her, and I'm still not quite over the weird circumstances of it...
and now I have someone to go out with if I'm ever in Dundee :)

hey, get your ass into town!

Thanks to a weird bit of architecture, the sloped walls in the room meant that the curtains were bloody useless, and I was woken by the sun around the back of 8.

We stopped by cousin Pad's pad for a wee bit - a very nice flat overlooking the Tay - before driving back down to Glasgow.

I'd hardly got into the house when my phone rang, and it was that chick from that party a couple of weeks ago. She was in town and wondered if I wanted to meet up with her. So a quick bite to eat later, I was in town, and trying to do a bit of skating around Central Station with her. Unfortunatley my shoes were too grippy to play properly, but hey..

We wandered around town and found a little quiet place to have a try of her, um, alternative headache cure. (I think I may be getting the hang of this smoking malarkey)

It was good to see her again, though. But I didn't ask her out, for reasons somewhat unknown to me.

And I did no studying! Oh well.

Last night's date - we met with some of her new friends, acquaintances really, and had dinner then went to a lesbian dance. We walked from the restaurant to the car and held hands and I held her around the waist. We got into the car and - started kissing.

I feel awkward, and foolish, and clumsy walking next to her. I'm 5'8"; and she is so completely tiny - not quite five feet, and so huggable, caressable. Her hands can be completely hidden inside of mine, they are so small. Her eyes are so beautiful - she has old soul eyes, like my daughter. It is so different than being with a man. It feels so comfortable.

Anyway, I got so excited it was starting to get painful. (Yes, that can really happen to girls.) We were trying to stay away from first base - and just move slowly on the physical stuff. But I couldn't help it, my fingers went under her bra. That was a mistake, because I got so excited she ended up making me come - because she put her hands under my bra and touched my nipple.

I got home at 4; I was fine. But this morning I woke up and felt sheer terror for what is unfolding in my life.

I am really afraid of allowing this relationship to develop. I don't want to fall in love with a woman! That's complicated! What if I don't like it? I don't want to fall in love with anybody, truthfully! I haven't got a clue as to what I want from her, or any woman, besides making love. But how do you make love when you don't know some one? Obviously, you can't. I don't want to just have sex. I want to slow down, not see her for several days, let my feelings percolate. It's strange, cause I want to tell her how I feel, and at the same time, I don't think I really understand how I feel.

After I wrote all of this, I spoke to two friends, and just let the fear out. Then she called, and we talked, and she could feel me withdrawing from her, pulling away. I told her of my fear, and we talked for a while. I am going camping this weekend, so won't see her at all. So we are going to try and see each other one night this week. And we'll keep proceeding slowly. Until I drop dead from the anticipation.

No pretension or pain to be had here. The only thing I wish was that my nap hadn't taken so long and I had had a chance to curl up on the second floor, maybe on a couch filled with kitties, and just dozed watching a movie. And not talked or disturbed the stillness of this night. If tonight could breathe, it would be the softest snore of one dropping off to sleep, a big difference from the held breath of the last six months. Or even of the last two and a half years.

Last night was soft and jive, regardless of the concrete and the fumes surrounding all of us. GroundControl showed me his shirt with a skull and crossbones on it, with one word, 'everything', written on it. I said simply, "I could have sworn I had the night off.", and laughed. Happy Birthday, MonkE.

Lord Bear was off larping this weekend, doing what he truly enjoys and is the part that keeps him a little boy. Tut, tut....it looks like rain, Bear. Hope you had fun.

Griffin had finally looked beyond his own writing and had seen what he meant to me. The phone cut out on us three times yesterday as we spent two hours talking. He brought it all down to earth finally, and saw that all I wanted was for him to see eye to eye with him. Four inches taller, four years older, but he can tell me I have green in my eyes as well now. Brother, your sister only wants to look out for you. Yes, I will always be there.

Came home from work today, only to find out that Satyr had had brunch with Grrmly, and that if I wanted him to take the pictures for E2, I had better call him. Called, and he was waiting. Showered, ate, walked the two blocks. The dogs were very well behaved, and they recognized me this time. I showed him what the pictures were for and he was so gung-ho about it, we're setting up an account for him on E2. See, I ain't no dumb broad, I just play one at first. We found a window in the rain that has threatened the Baltimore sky for days now, and snapped a few shots in the alley behind his apartment. I was frolicking in the ivy, and well, you should see the pictures by Wednesday. I've got to get them run by tomorrow night so he can develope them......I hate pictures of me, but I figured it was about time to get a few taken properly. Griffin said the one he liked the best to date,were the ones Rae-Rae took of knarph and me two years ago. Everything was calm and fragile between Mike and me. As it should be, I think we're determined to be friends. There are so few people to really trust as friends. So, for the record, nothing happened, we enjoy each other's company, and I booked it out of there after an hour, swimming through the dogs as I went. This is how I want that to stay.

Speaking of friends, there is a soft glowing orb called love no-matter-what hanging in the air. And that is extended to everyone. I have no idea what the future holds, but as long as I don't have to let go of anyone, I will be happy and of course survive. Clean slate, forgiveness, and a lot of hard work. So little room in the space between, so many personalities. Flip it around until it fits, you know? I love you. If nothing else, that is what I have to start with. But that's really quite a lot, don't you think? And it's the real stuff.....I have proven that much.

Clarity and contentment are in my heart while ideas are being spawned in my head. I am willing to let things happen now, and I have the patience to see them through. Please have some patience with me, because I am quite changed and I am unsure of this new soul and how it works.

All soft and girly on the outside, but I have graduated, and I really am just one of the boys. Night guys. Sleep well in your attic, your basement, your floor and your single bed. My cot is calling my name.

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