I'm really scared now. I was nervous before, but now my emotions are bounding out of my control - they were before, but now it feels - like it might be getting real. It was playtime before, and now it's real. I'm scared of myself, and I'm scared of hurting her. I'm not afraid of being hurt, oddly, because I can see that she is genuine and real and sincere.
I'm afraid I'm masking lust in a delusional sweep of emotions parading as intense "like". Maybe what is really going on is what goes on all the time in new relationships. Maybe what I'm feeling is what everyone else feels - contradicting emotions at the same time. She's new, she's exciting, and she's unknown. And - she's female.
I learned so much more about her last night. She's sociable, friendly, warm. I love her voice, just hearing her talk on the phone makes me wet. I'm absolutely terrified of hurting her, that she will really fall in love with me when all I really want is to sleep with her. And I don't know how I feel.
I want a couple of days to be alone with my feelings. At the same time, I have a burning desire to hear more of her story, learn more of who she is.
She has a spoiled cocker spaniel, and I mean spoiled rotten to the core. He's so beautiful and cute I can see how easy it is to spoil him. He makes my dog look like perfection (in terms of behavior).
She has finished her coursework and has been accepted as a Ph.D. candidate in American Studies, and she has 3 years left out of the five to complete her dissertation and present it. With her divorce and having to go to work full time this past year, she has completely put it down for a year. She has an excellent committee and a really wonderful mentor. I'm glad for her (that she does) and I wish M. had such a good advisor, instead of the mediocre one that he seems to have.
She brought me to tears three times last night; and once on our first date, Friday night. She looked into my heart and told me that I was an artist, and I was going to bring it out, and she would be a model for me in any way I wanted, whenever I wanted her to. And I cried, because she looked into my eyes when she said it, and it just hit the nerve of where I live.
Last night, so many things happened. The fear of what was happening between us surfaced and I told her about it. There are so many feelings now - where before, just a few months ago, they were so compartmentalized, so easy to deal with. Now it's confusing, complicated, contradictory - constantly.