May 18, 2001

Well my boss is back to normal (i.e. still incompetent but at least not moody). We talked for an hour and it was very polite and I told him I sympathized with his situation, that he had the hard job of bringing order to chaos. He told me I would probably be getting a raise in June. Very interesting....

More importantly, there is a work happy hour planned for tomorrow night, and we finally got the air conditioner fixed, before it gets too crazily hot. I'm looking forward to the weekend, because it has been a long week. I am thinking about what movie to go see, none of them overwhelm me. I was thinking it might be a video weekend, but then I got a free movie and free popcorn coupon in the mail. Excellent!

Hmmm..it's good to see my evil sister is enjoying herself..glad I don't have any olive oil in my veins, my dear. (And I don't want to hear where the hell Hungarians vacation..that's b.s.)
Sleep holds only fear for me these days..the dreams are way too real, so I stay awake to the point of insanity just so I can be too exhausted to dream..only 3 more weeks of this hell. Then back to the great white North.
A poem to piss off you anal teckie types:(come on, you love em, you know it)

China

It comes to me,
over-neath, warm
wave of bliss,
dividing me cat-scan,
captured whole,
leaving me less
content, realised,
spent, euthanised;
sliding down
the wet corridor to my soul
fingers splayed
along the blanket
of my heavy skin;
Within,
Purity
through denial,
Withdrawl
sweet lover leaves me,
desiring more.

A final quote for this glorious day May 18th:
Don't believe everything you think.

following my policy of Only Daylog when sufficiently motivated...

I returned home last Saturday evening, after sticking around for my roommate's graduation. It was a weird feeling, standing in the back corner of the McBryde Hall auditorium and watching guys (and a few girls) I'd known through 4 years of classes, had occasionally explained confusing stuff to, etc., walking up to receive their diplomas, when my own CS degree is seven months to a year away, due to my academic misadventures.

I should have been with you guys...

I returned to my job at the corporate HQ of everyone's favorite consumer electronics chain for the summer on Monday. They've treated me well, it's a great company to work for, they seem to want me back on a full-time basis... if only they weren't in Richmond. I've lived in this place for 16 years (well, 13 if you take out 9 months a year in Blacksburg for the past four -- point still stands), and that's way too long. Unfortunately, my academic situation also screws me with respect to getting my foot in the door for full-time positions at many of the companies showing up for career fairs. Plus, at this point I don't even know if I'll be able to graduate in the fall, and won't know until the first week of the semester, when I try to force-add the class I need.

If I could go back in time 3.5 years and talk to that lazy freshman in 328 Barringer, blowing off his C++ and Intro to CS homework to watch a hockey game, I'd kick his ass...

It's not that I'd really mind sticking around an extra semester -- I love Virginia Tech, going on another Spring Tour with Wesley would be awesome, I have a good part-time job, and most of my good friends will be graduating in May 2002. It's just that VT tends to want tuition when you take classes for a semester, and I'll be back to paying it with my money (as I've done for two prior semesters) if I have to stick around.

Things are looking up, though... got a trip with the VT Meistersingers to the UK, leaving overnight on 24 May and returning 4 June. (*crosses fingers about the Britnoder meeting*) And, don't look now, but I'm running the risk of having a social life this summer as well.

So, as always, I guess we'll see.

i get so bored...

It's happening... Again.

Something must change. Now. Life can not go on like this. Everything seems more and more like it's totally devoid of meaning. In my quest to become something better than I was, I've just become a shallow, emotionless person - a shell of my former, "inferior" self. Always trying to improve myself, for the sake of others. Losing myself at the expense of others. The story of my life...

It feels like an epiphany. Something that's new, that i've never felt before. But the truth is, it's not. I've felt it before, I've been here before. And every time I feel this way, I become more and more jaded. Next time I don't think I'll be able to care.

I've been looking for meaning in all the wrong places. I've been removing every emotion I felt, because they cause pain, and now I've got nothing left. It's not that I've lost the ability to feel for anybody - I've lost the will. It's simply not worth it anymore, because I'm just a . . . I don't know. All it ever leads to is pain, bad things. Focusing on the joy of the moment is no longer an option for me... All I see is the end. I could care, I could make my self care, she would care about me, we could be happy. But I can't lie.

Exactly.

I have no plan for my life. I have no aspiration, no overarching desire to do anything. Just this great big emotional abyss and the rest of my life sinking down into it. I didn't show up for work today. I didn't even call. I don't think I even care. I could've spent time with someone, anyone, anotehr human being. But instead I sat at home and dove head first into a diversion that kept me busy all night.

And I failed the one class I was taking at USF. Because I didn't show up for the final. And I didn't hand in the last big homework assignment, even though I did half of it. And I didn't really care. But now I think I do, even though I'd rather not. Nobody wants to give in to denial when they're trying to deny the fact that they've been dismissed from their univesrity.

Even though I had the money, I payed my credit card late. Under the minimum payment, which was misrepresented on the website. And now I've got twice the cash to pay for next month. Great... Just in time for them to raise the limit another thousand.

I'm slowly destroying everything I've got by my constant apathy. And it's tough to give much of a fuck.

Something must change. I must do something - everything.

But... I know deep down that I won't. And that my life won't change until something massively drastic happens. I'm just biding my time until I get thrown in jail for a delinquent ticket, or my parents kick me out, or each one of my friends detach from me, or I can't pay for my internet connection anymore, or my car decides it's sick of not being washed and not getting a tune up and quits. It's all hanging by a thread, and all I seem to do is keep that thread strong enough to hold it.

This won't last long. I don't want to be around when that thread snaps.

Today, by request, we introduce headlines from The Moscow Times. If you know of any more news sites which should be included, please let me know.

International Hearld Tribune (www.iht.com)

• Bush's Plan Backs a Nuclear Revival
  President George W. Bush on Thursday laid out his long-awaited energy plan, proposing looser regulations on oil and gas exploration, conservation-minded efforts like a review of gas mileage standards and a $4 billion tax credit for a new generation of highly fuel efficient cars.
• An Egg Brings Blair's No. 2 to a Boil
  Every politician likes to press the flesh at campaign time, but Britain's deputy prime minister gave new meaning to the term as he propelled a left hook at a voter and ended up rolling on the sidewalk in a no-holds-barred melee.
• Allies Ready to Lighten Sanctions Against Iraq
  The United States and Britain will begin a diplomatic campaign next week to overhaul the 11-year-old sanctions on Iraq, marking the first substantial step by the Bush administration to carry out a new policy for confronting Baghdad.
• French Hate Their Own 'Reality' TV - but They Watch It
  "Reality" television has finally come to France, in the form of a steamy, some say trashy, new show called "Loft Story."
• Digital Art Heist? Van Gogh Web Sites in Rights Battle
  The battle of the van Gogh Web sites highlights a dispute that is increasingly common in the age of digital reproduction. As one van Gogh fan has discovered, copying Web sites is not only easy; it also can be legal.
• Pentagon Puts Focus on Long-Range Arms to Counter Chinese Threat
  A confidential Pentagon strategy review has cast the Pacific as the most important region for military planners and calls for the development of new long-range arms to counter China's military power.

BBC (news.bbc.co.uk)

• Tories target asylum
  The Conservatives say Britain is a "soft touch" for asylum seekers as they shift the election campaign spotlight.
• Israel offers settler deal
  Israeli Foreign Minister Shimon Peres outlines restrictions to the expansion of Jewish settlements, but a senior Palestinian rejects the move.
• Scientists produce test-tube horses
  Scientists in Newmarket produce Europe's first test-tube foals, which could pave the way for the production of genetically-modified horses.
• French hunt for trapped potholers
  A massive rescue effort is under way in eastern France to save eight Swiss potholers trapped in a cave by rising flood waters.
• Overdose death rate cut
  A restriction on the number of painkillers that can be bought at supermarkets and chemists in the UK has led to a big cut in fatal overdoses.
• Farmers welcome disease-free day
  There were no new foot-and-mouth cases on Thursday Farmers have welcomed the first 24-hour period with no new cases of foot-and-mouth in almost three months.

New York Times (www.nytimes.com)

• Bush's Energy Plan Shifts to Protecting Supply
  President Bush will issue an executive order that will require agencies to issue a new kind of impact statement on adverse effects to the nation's energy health.
• Senate Panel Is Split Over Nominee for Legal Post
  Senators deadlocked on the selection of Theodore B. Olson to be solicitor general, with opponents complaining about his involvement in anti-Clinton activities.
• Citigroup to Buy Mexican Bank in a Deal Valued at $12.5 Billion
  In the biggest Latin American acquisition by a United States company, Citigroup announced that it would buy Mexico's second-largest bank.
• Questions Hover in Internet Sex Abuse Case
  Public attention has faded in the case of a Columbia University graduate student accused of preying on an undergraduate he met on the Internet, and so have pieces of the case.

Panapress (African) (www.panapress.com)

• Press leak jolts Anti-corruption commission
  Zambia's Anti-Corruption Commission is investigating who leaked confidential statements concerning how 2 billion kwacha was withdrawn from National Assembly accounts and used during the recent convention of the ruling Movement for Multiparty Democracy (MMD) in Kabwe.
• Palestinian envoy appeals for clear Zambian position
  The Palestinian ambassador to Zambia has challenged President Frederick Chiluba's government to clearly state its stand on the Israeli-Palestinian conflict.
• Cameroon opposition leader snubs President Biya
  John Fru Ndi, leader of the Social Democratic Front (SDF), which is the main opposition party in Cameroon, has turned down an invitation from President Paul Biya to attend a presidential dinner as part of National Day celebrations next 20 May.
• UNFPA decries dearth of accurate population data in Gambia
  The United Nations Population Fund (UNFPA) office in Gambia, says the absence of accurate data is hampering proper planning and evaluation of its programmes in the country.
• Some 10,000 Burundian refugees return home
  Some 10,000 Burundian refugees have returned home in the last four months, mostly from neighbouring Tanzania, said an official source in Bujumbura.

China Daily (www.chinadaily.com.cn)

• China: US containment policy wrong, doomed
  China on Thursday reacted angrily to a Pentagon-sponsored study calling for a shift in the US military presence in Asia, saying any attempt to contain China was wrong and would fail.
• Beijing Olympics bid committee dismisses report as smoke
  Beijing's 2008 summer Olympics bid committee dismissed an AFP report that the city has garnered 15 more "tickets" from the IOC members than rivals Paris or Toronto, is "nonsense".
• EP-3 spyplane crew will see Bush
  The 24 crew members of a US Navy spy plane at the center of an 11-day standoff with China last month will meet President George W. Bush at the White House on Friday, administration officials said.
• Secret Service detain man before Bush jog
  The United States Secret Service detained a man with a gun in a park where President George W. Bush was jogging on Thursday, local police and White House officials said.
• Deputy governor fired for taking bribes
  The deputy governor of north China's Hebei Province has been dismissed from office for taking huge amount of bribes, according to official sources.

The Moscow Times (www.themoscowtimes.com)

• EU Asks Russia to Ax Dollar for Euro
  European Union leaders have urged Russia to start accepting euros instead of dollars for its exports.
• Ambitious $4Bln Sale Is Up in the Air
  As a debate heats up over global warming, Russia is readying to pull billions of dollars out of thin air.
• Hanssen Indictment Reads Like Spy Novel
  A U.S. federal grand jury returned a 57-page court indictment Wednesday accusing veteran FBI agent Robert Phillip Hanssen of spying for Russia since 1985.
• Police: Federal Insulin Funds Stolen
  Managers of a firm set up to produce high-quality insulin will soon go on trial foralleged embezzlement.
• A Better Chechnya Policy
  The war in Chechnya made Vladimir Putin president. And the same war may bring down his administration.
• Mammoet In Talks to Raise Kursk Sub
  Russian officials have stepped up talks with a Dutch firm over the lifting of the sunken Kursk submarine.

A couple of interesting things over the past few days, but nothing much really. On Tuesday, the house phone rang at 6:55am which I had to answer. It was a flatmate late for work and wanted to chatto another flatmate. I wasn't the most chuffed person in the world after that but OK. I am learning Java now at work. My old project doesn't need me any more and there isn't enough time left on my placement to get started on anything new. I decided I would study for my Java Certification on company time and when I get it, they will give me a bonus!

An unfortunate result of being off any sort of project means that the manager can pick on me for 'odd jobs'. This means that I spent a good deal of this morning and an hour after lunch (which didn't involve the pub as normal because of this) tracking down which computer is connected to which wall socket and from there, which socket is connects to what connection on the router in the server room. Fun!
It didn't help that I've been slightly hung over again today. I went out to see a film with my girlfriend last night. We decided to meet a couple of friends for a drink ater, certainly nothing much. We ended up manically dancing in 'The Attic' at 2am. /me is very tired!

Nodeshell Challenge
Just close your eyes and dance
Something I thought about doing when I was drunk alst night. Unfortunately, there's not a snowball's chance in Hell that I actually do this title any justice. What can you do with it?

Another daylog... they are so few and far between. I write them and then before I put them up they are discarded... Somedays nothing happens and others are just full of events.

Friends of mine lost a custody battle for her kids. The judge was too lazy to do her job and just was a stupid idiot. My friend had given up a child for adoption about 15 years ago when she was just a teen and an evaulator said that this made her an unfit mother. I've met my birthmother and it takes a lot more than giving your child up for adoption to be an unfit mother. Really stupid stuff. She's been a bit depressed about it because they are so far away.

Thank god I have a good relationship with my ex. My wife and her went toy shopping over the weekend while I watched the girls. When they returned had a discussion of usage of toys. A bit surreal but we are becoming friends again. Its how it should have been but we got married and screwed it up. At least changes to my daughters care don't require a trip to a lawyer.

Work is still stupid. During a team building excercise with my director I had to write down a leadership quality he possessed. Respect? no... Trustworthy? no... Knowledgeable? no... Confidence... THERE we go... We have a winner. Come on resume do your stuff.

We are baby/kid free this weekend and a we've got a lot of plans (Parenting kills a social schedule! Friday going out to hang with friends. Saturday we might just be having some fun at home. Sunday we're going to a pot-luck this weekend. How do you bring a covered dish for 30? On word Italian! I don't know if we are going to stay for the demos afterward. Piercing and Hooks just don't sound like too much fun, well at least for now.

I'm going on about 1 month with the new me. It's pretty good. My wife likes it because I'm not getting pissed and snitty with her. I like it because I don't have nearly as much stress. We both keep waiting for the damn to break but if it was to happen it should have by now. Still have bits of depression but they don't get me as down. Gee that sounded silly.

The other night after my 5yo said "Nobody played with me today, it was a bad day. Tomorrow will be better." I broke out into, 'The sun will come out, tomorrow'. Which elicited cheers from both kids. Being a dad is great.

Ok, I'm pissed. My daughter's 2nd grade class is hatching butterflies, and her interest got us to looking up chrysalis and doing some research. I found out a bunch of really cool stuff, and my plan was to node it today. I went to the node....and somebody (I won't mention names so this doesn't turn into an attack) has cut and pasted a HUGE..and I do mean HUGE....article on some Babylon 5 episode. This node is so long that I really doubt anyone would get past it to read my humble and short node on where a butterfly comes from. So I go to this person's node lists....and the guy is touting himself as everything2's 3rd best writer or some such nonsense. I'm sorry, but that just makes me mad. Cutting and Pasting long long articles directly off the internet isn't why I'm on everything2. And reading those isn't why I'm here either. Ok Ok OK, I'm venting..I know I am, but it bothers me that I can't really submit a node about one of the most amazing wonders of nature cuz some self-admitted ego-maniac decided he was going to cut and paste that day. To his credit, he did give the link at the bottom. Ok, I'm done..and fuck it..I'm going to node the wonderful thing that happens to form a butterfly anyway.

*Kisses her node/exp ratio goodbye, cuz an enemy has probably been made*

"Hi, Chris. What did you do this morning?"

Well, I built an entire fleet of starshps, and I defeated the Borg in battle by destroying their base near Starbase 612.

And I had a bagel.

My brother convinced me to buy a new game: Star Trek - Armada. It's a strategy game along the lines of Total Annihilation, except it takes place in space (duh) and allows you to play as the Federation, The Klingon Empire, The Romulan Star Empire, or the Borg. It's a fun game, and supports Internet multiplayer. The first (and last) time I played online, I got my ass whipped pretty badly, so I'm practicing in Single Player mode for the time being.

It's a cool game, but the amateur voice acting needs work. The regular cast does a good job with their voices (Patrick Stewart, Michael Dorn), but the no-name characters are terrible. Send orders to a ship to have it go to a repair facility, and the captain says "Starfleet....we have a problem." Everything this guy says uses the inflections of a game show announcer.

Click on another ship and have it sent to a different part of the sector, and the female voice says "Be ready for anything" in the quality of an elementary school production.

Other than the voice acting and some control issues, it's a great game.

I bought three music CDs this week. All For You by Janet Jackson, No Angel by Dido, and History: Book I by Michael Jackson. The first two have arrived, and the third should be here early next week. I lent Dido to a friend of mine, who (in her incredibly busy schedule) accompanied me to lunch today.

Lunch Log: Grilled Chicken Cordon Bleu with a nice, oily pasta salad.

21 years ago today I was playing in the street with some neighborhood kid, we were lighting short-fused firecrackers that we found somewhere. I remember watching him as he tried to light one, when my eye wandered to the blue sky, There I saw the biggest black raincloud towering above the world.

LOOK AT THAT HUGE RAINCLOUD!!!!

I exclaimed to my friend. The shadowy form kept rising and rising and rising, soon we realized that what we were seeing was in fact A VOLCANO BLOWING ITS TOP!

It was Mt. St. Helens. Poor Harry Truman with his 40 cats had finally had it.

Two decades later I still remember this as vividly as if it were yesterday.

Okay, my Ego is being officially stroked today, and I'm so bubbly I can't hold it anymore for fear I'll void the warranty of the Scotchgaurded carpet.

One of the most amusing points of the day has been when one of my more sexually charged nodes hit the grand reputation of... wait for it... wait... 69! Que Ironico! That fact in itself was enought to make me laugh out lot, much to the confusion of thr Java Programmer across from me.

The second happy point is I apparently have my first (unrequited) E2 Stalker! She (the fact that it's a "she" makes me giggle) says she is stalking me because, and I quote, "He is so damn cool". I couldn't ask for more then this... well, I could ask, but I wouldn't get it. A lot of my E2-based resentment has been melting away today.. yes, I harbour issues with E2; Big, extreme, foot-crushing issues... but they're best left for another time.

And of course, the final straw of my happy day today is that I get to spend the evening with my ever understanding sweetheart -- I'm sappy, I know, but I'm really, really looking forward to it.

I have no ending for this, so I take a small bow.

Today was two months for you and me deeahblita. I didn't say a word this morning because I wanted the flowers to be a surprise. And, although the message they came with was short, and didn't say much, I wanted you to know that I love you. I wanted you to know that even though the time has been short, and our time in each others arms even shorter, you mean the world to me. And, that, like you said this morning, I will always be there.

I love you deeahblita. Thank you for this time. Thank you for letting me be your girlfriend. Thank you for being mine.

Our first date, Friday night; I met her at her house (and met her dog) and we talked for a while. We held hands. I was incredibly nervous and at the same time, very excited. After a while, she finally kissed me. She kissed me! "I knew you wanted me to kiss you", she said. I can tell it has been a while since she has kissed some one - she told me it has been three years since she's been with anyone, in any sensual capacity. Her kisses were hesitant, shy, teasing, closed and small. I was with M. on Tuesday, today is Friday, and I am kissing my first woman. It's really different, so soft, yet of course, it's also the same.

We talked some more and drove to the restaurant near her house, a cute little co-op with home made food and two women playing acoustic music on the stage. We kissed more in the car before we got out. It was heaven. We got food, and ate some of it, somehow. I couldn't stop looking in her eyes. It struck me how unfair and awful this culture is, that you have to decide if you are going to hold hands or not, or where you are going to sit in a restaurant to keep down the stares.

That was certainly educational. I don't know anything about gay culture, obviously, much less lesbian culture, so I have a lot to learn. I want to go to more lesbian things and meet more of them; it feels really important.