I've been recycling through my neuron trash-can, some way of saying it to you...
But it's almost apocalyptic, the thought of piercing through your smiling brown eyes, and actually getting the words out of my throat.
Why am I supposed to do this?
Because it's late, I am so tired. Exhausted of fighting, denying, telling lies over and over, just so I can share you. It's the correct verb: 'to share': that which is never yours, used for a certain purpose a numerous amount of times, then returned. It would be called 'to steal', if it is not brought to its rightful owner.
Yes, I know you love me, I do.
It's perfect, just the way I described the feeling a long time ago, when I drew you a picture of my words. You smiled at me with your violent, diabetes-inducing gaze.
But I am not that strong. I can't elude my mother each time she asks me 'What have you been doing lately?'. I can't ditch my friends and vanish into thin air, every time we want to grab a cup of coffee. I can't avoid you and pretend we're 'just very close friends' any time we end up in the same place with our common acquaintances. I can't crawl on the floor anymore each time you do foolish little things to scratch my hidden jealous nature. I can't pretend I don't care if I overhear a female voice while you're on the phone; even though I perfectly know it's meaningless.
This is too much for me. These feelings are too powerful, destroying every last bit of what's left.
It is the last piece of survival instinct yelling to me:'' if you truly love him, let him go...''
I know that you're never going to leave my thoughts... My heart...Me...No one is ever going to dethrone you. Your Highness rules over the entire Me.
Surely Gibran has it marvelously put:
''you will be together 'til the End Of Time...but let there be spaces in your spaces in your togetherness.''
This is why I must tell you : ''I've been seeing someone lately, and I think I'd like to give it a chance...''
Here's what you won't be hearing: '' I fucking love you, damn'it! And this is driving me&everybody I care about towards madness and destruction! I can't hurt the people I love. I can't handle it no more. I want just to be able to live a still life for a while. Maybe I'll trick myself into liking it after all. I can't sail every day on stormy seas; I'll just float, because I need to. Otherwise I'll hit rock-bottom...
He's a nice guy, and he'll take good care of me. He'll help me heal myself without asking anything in return.
Because he's just like me, in desperate need of a Weather Change. We'll be each others' lifeboats, getting away from the havoc of our own Gods&Demons.''