Today is Mother's Day here in the United States and I am eating a bowl of fruit and celebrating with a box of Reed's Ginger Candy Chews. Some time ago I bought Reed's candied ginger in the tin and was disappointed to find that it wasn't the chews. Yesterday I took the girls grocery shoppping after I worked on cleaning up the back room. I met up with my sister when I went to return a shower curtain and some towels that I thought would match, but didn't, and had a lovely time chatting with her about a variety of topics. I listened to Celine Dion while I was cleaning and clearing things out. I don't consider myself a fan normally, but there was something about the music that was helpful.

Last night my husband told me that he was going to go out with a friend after he picked up a dining room table and chairs that I had found on Craigslist. I came home and went to bed after I saw my sister since he had said he was going to a movie and I doubted he would be home before midnight. When I woke up around four he was still out. I laid in bed thinking about how he had said that he loved me and I was his number one pick of all the women in the world. There's an old REO Speedwagon called That Ain't Love and that's how I felt last night. After I had made concessions and agreed to work on the marriage after he mailed in divorce paperwork this is how he was choosing to act.

When actions and words don't match, I'm getting better about seeing that. I read an article about it on Brain Pickings. Yesterday's article was on math and relationships. I thoroughly enjoyed it although I don't tend to take that approach very often in life. I'm listening to Dolly Parton and I'm going to turn this into a longer piece someday, but a lot of these country singers remind me that women can be strong and tough and forge ahead regardless of how bleak the future often seems. I had a good time sitting in the car eating ice cream bars with the girls. I bought my youngest a small cosmetics bag at the thrift store. I would have bought my oldest some books, but she wasn't ready when I checked out. 

Sometimes I hate the way that I'm acting even as I'm doing whatever it is. I found a book on schizophrenia and a workbook for bi-polar people that I bought even though I've never been diagnosed. My therapist explained that most of these disorders are a continuum. We might all have some of these tendencies, but in some people they start interfering with their ability to function on a higher level. A character of mine is a paranoid schizophrenic in honor of my great aunt Gloria who was heavily medicated and misunderstood before her diagnosis. I never met her, but I've heard stories, and I like the idea of using fictional people to shed some light on real people and what they may have gone through while they were still alive.

My sister made fun of how many desks I've purchased over the course of my life. She hasn't ever bought a desk, her niece uses one I received from my neighbor. Desks don't interest my sister, she has other bad habits. I don't feel like writing today. I don't feel like I have anything to say that can convey how I feel. My sister says that my daughter has to want to change and to see her problems as something that she needs to do something about. I can make her shower and tell her to get her homework done, but until she views hygiene and school work as worthy of more of her time and energy, her mentality will remain the same. Yesterday I was excited when I found out that the table and chairs I thought someone else was going to get was gone. Now I have them and it hasn't made a difference.

I bought some calcium and Vitamin D last night. My oldest has a cough, she has the same bumps on her arms that my youngest has on the backs of her legs. I bought a book on hormones that looked interesting. I'm avoiding a lot of things today. I don't feel up to writing about them. Yesterday my mother's husband dropped off what is known as the iron bed in our family. My mother won it at a silent auction years ago. It's very pretty, it really is made of iron so it's very solid and sturdy, and difficult to make. It's a cool bed, I didn't really want it, but I could see the benefit of replacing the day bed we got from my father-in-law that you can't lean against for fear of the top bar sliding off. I didn't like that either, but I've come to terms with it and now appreciate the role it has served in my life.

I'm now listening to Kenny Rogers. I love his voice and a lot of his songs. I can remember sitting on the floor in a friend's room when I was in high school and singing along with the rest of the girls who were playing cards. I know that my husband is lonely and frustrated with me. I know I'm difficult to live with, I just told him both brands of toilet paper that he brought home are unacceptable. I explained what was wrong with the first kind, but I must not have done a very good job of communicating what I would prefer since he came back with a different brand that is equivalent to what he just returned. It probably seems like a very small thing, but we use it and we have problems if we don't use a certain kind. 

I did not sleep well last night. I'm all out of sorts today, inside is jumbled and scared. This is just a mood, it won't last. The feelings are valid, but temporary and fleeting. I'm going to write a list of things that I've faced and worked on recently. Working on the back office was very stressful and I need a treat to celebrate my progress in there. So here we go with my list:

1. Cleaning out my pantry, fridge, and freezer. They're still pretty organized. Go me.

2. Buying a rug for the living room. I want to tear out the carpeting, the rug was cheaper and looks nice.

3. Going to therapy and continuing to go even though it's expensive and I don't always like hearing what she says.

4. Keeping the kitchen cleaner.

5. Decluttering. This has been huge. I wish I had before and after pictures.

6. Buying things on my own instead of running to him for approval so often.

7. Writing. It's good for me.

8. Loving myself more.

9. Realizing that one step forward is progress.

10. Listening to the music that I like.

I feel slightly better. I'm going to go to church, I have a chicken to roast and some laundry to finish. I always have ideas. I feel better overall than I did. My sister wants me to get out of the house more. This would be good for me. There is more to the world than this place. If anyone can handle the situation I'm in which really isn't that bad, it's me. I've moved on to Reba, I love the song Fancy, I could sing it at the top of my lungs and sometimes do when nobody else is around. I made a character of mine get caught speeding. People are shocked and I'm looking forward to seeing how that unwinds as I move him along. He helps me even though I can see how aspects of his personality and his behaviors get him into trouble. Life is good, I'm just having a blue start to this damp May Day. 

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