I dreamed last night that I was laying in bed.
As I lay there, considering why I was in bed but not apparently tired, I heard from under the bed a voice. It said
"Hey. Hey dude."
Immediately concerned, since it was most definitely a masculine voice and I am supposed to be the only man in the house, I was also confused since the dog wasn't barking at all, as he should have been if there was an unwelcome human in the house.
Voice that doesn't belong. Dog not freaking out. Did I just imagine it? Was it a hypnagogic hallucination?
Again, "Hey. Hey, dude."
So, not thinking, I whipped around as fast as I could and jammed my head under the foot of the bed to look, only to be confronted by a crocodile wearing Ray-Ban sunglasses and smoking a cigarette.
Of all the things that I was at this point worried by (Why is this asshole wearing sunglasses inside, in the dark? Why is this asshole a crocodile? How did this crocodile get here?) my immediate concern was the cigarette.
So I told him, "Hey bro, you need to put that thing out or take it outside. No smoking in the house."
He told me, "Relax. Crocodiles can't even smoke."
Taking a huge drag on the cigarette and then blowing it in my face, he continued, "Think about it."
I woke up shortly after, laughed about the dream over bread and coffee, and went about my business.
But the crocodile's final injunction had obviously been ticking over in the quieter parts of my brain all day, since out of nowhere on the drive home, I realized what he had been talking about.
Crocodiles can't smoke cigarettes, because they haven't got any lips. They can't get any suction.