March 4, 2002

Today I met Xamot for the first time.

Xamot had been interested in building himself a MAME cabinet, and I happened to have four empty cabinets just waiting for new owners (a MAME cabinet is an arcade game that has been retrofitted with a computer so it can play thousands of different games, they are quite nifty, and I recommend them to everyone). So I met him and his friend at my parents house today at 2 PM, they briefly looked at the Pac-Man cabinet that I was willing to gice away for free, and then we hopped in his buddies SUV and went off to my old place to look at my other cabinets.

I had three more cabinets there (2 Defenders and a Special Criminal Investigation).

Xamot selected a red Defender cabinet that I had spent a long time refinishing a while back, and his friend picked my other Defender cabinet (which was solid, but not as nice).

Xamot and I came to a trade agreement. He got the cabinet, and he was to purchase me 1 I-Pac and a set of sideart stickers for any game. The deal with his friend was for a JAMMA gameboard from a list of eBay auctions I would send him.

So we went to load up Xamot's new cabinet, and what do you know, we couldn't get it all the way in the vehicle. We ended up tying it in with an extension cord. I rode in the back stuffed between the cabinet and the door, it got cold, but we didn't have to far to ride.

Next weekend I should be meeting up with them again to get the other cabinet, we couldn't get it today because I still have to strip the monitor and power supply from it.

7AM) I’ve stayed up all night, on purpose – not just in my usual wandering from fun thing to fun thing manner – but in order to sleep today away. Tomorrow I have to have a colonoscopy and a esophagastroduodenoscopy, yuk! That means today I can’t eat anything but clear liquids and must endure chemically induced diarrhea. I’ve seen others go through this, the preparation is definitely worse than the procedure. So, I thought I’d sleep between bathroom runs. I hope I can.

Or, maybe I’ll finish up 7 already half done nodes and make level 5. That would put a bright edge on today! But perhaps that would be too much like noding while drunk.

I promise no more day logs until after level 5 is achieved but I don’t promise not to add more nonsense to this one.

Maybe I’ll just get on my exercise bike until I drop from exhaustion or lift my weights, or turn my compost pile……I certainly won’t be reading any books. I’m already tired, as evidenced by the rambling I’m doing here. I don’t want to go to sleep yet. I still have 25.5 miserable hours to kill.

DH just left for his usual Monday morning commute to NYC. He won’t be back until Friday. I can behave weirdly with no observers. My friend will drive me to and fro tomorrow. Thank you friend Becky.

Wow, colonoscopy is just a node shell and exercise bike and esophagastroduodenoscopy don't even exist, guess I'll fix that.

12:30PM) I forgot I had to go get my blood drawn so I did that then wandered around Kmart looking for bargains. $150 later I'm carting home 4 new trash cans, 4 new pillows and new socks for everyone. These are things we really did need but I can't help feeling I'm making stupid choices right now. Put that credit card away girl! I seem to have caught a second wind. Got the trash to the street for tomorrow's pickup and fed the birds. I had to break through the ice in the birdbath for them. I've become very spoiled by the mild winter but today it is cold.

Stopped at Starbucks for a hot caramel cider/no cream, it is really just steamed apple juice with caramel syrup but it is surprisingly satisfying. Just made myself another one at home. I have an expresso / steam machine that I make myself a caramel latte with every day but no milk products are allowed today. Only 20 hours left to go. The garden is out, too cold today so I think I'll node some now.

Just nodded off about 20 times, I think I'll cave in now and go to bed. Oh lord, the hospital just called and they want to videotape my breastfeeding class next week. I HATE being videotaped when I'm teaching. Oh well, maybe it will inspire me instead of inhibiting me but I doubt it. I could normally teach that class in my sleep and I'll probably stutter and uh,uh, uh ... the whole time. Well, off to bed.

"Goodnight Moon, good night cow jumping over the moon, good night bears and good night chairs ....."

4PM)Up for the first dose of phospho-soda ("ginger-lemon flavor"). That is some deeesgusting stuff. It literally gave me chills. I'm now thankful for jello chasers and chemical chicken broth.

10PM) 2nd dose even worse going down and induced moderate nausea for about 15" afterwards. Chicken broth is the best liquid for immediate chaser, followed by jello and Celestial Seasonings Vanilla Chamomile tea.

At least the steady trips to the bathroom are not painful like when you have the flu, just frequent.

It is now the next day (3/5/02) but I’m keeping it here on (3/4/02) because I recognize this node is frightfully self indulgent and doesn’t deserve to become a 2nd node as well.

12MN to 4AM) slept steady / 5AM to 8AM) showered and a bit more fitful sleep

8AM to 10AM) Becky drove me to hospital, I checked in and the nurse got the IV in my R hand (very easy, she used a little bleb of Novocain and it didn't hurt at all plus Becky brought me a "bed buddy" - a little tube of microwavable materials - to keep my hands warm and veins dilated).

Becky and I “job share” so she went off to see our patients and I went into a Versed induced haze. I felt nothing of the colonoscopy and was only aware of them spraying my throat to numb it for the esophagastroduodenoscopy then I was out of it again. Waking up was much easier than from general anesthesia.

1PM)I’m just a little woozy but out to lunch at La Madeleine. Yum, mushroom soup and chicken salad sandwich on olive bread sure beats yesterday's fare.

For the rest of the day I slept a lot, my son took me to TGIFs dinner, and I steadily woke up. By 9PM I'm all back to normal.

I don’t understand what they found, they took some esophagus biopsies, so I’ll talk to the doctor tomorrow. I think it was just routine to do the biopsies. I’ve had a long history of gastroesophogeal reflux and they worry about the effect of that and the possibility of cancer but I didn’t get the impression it looked like cancer, just that biopsies are routine. The rectal bleeding source was just a fissure, which is healing on its own. That sudden bleeding was the reason for the whole procedure so that was quite a relief.

Sam was at the end of her lead and the choke chain was choking her while they fought, so I dropped it and said, Okay. Which is a command that means to her she's free to do what she wants, usually scamper around the park or play. The pit bull was relentless, it tore at her throat and caught her on the right foreleg shaking and tearing it violently. Sam began to fight back, I reached in to pull them apart a tooth grazed my hand. At first small drops of blood spattered on the pavement then bigger and faster ones appeared..... I could see a trickling stream soaking and staining the long, downy soft fur on her leg. I didn't know it, but I was screaming, helpless to stop this dog. The young man who had appeared behind me grabbed the pit bull and pulled him off. Sam took off running heading for home, I ran behind her for awhile until my heart felt as if it would explode and break all at once. A mile and half away, Sam made it home without me .....by then there was a police officer and a small crowd of people gathered. One of the neighbors hearing the screams, had waved down the officer and she related that this same dog had actually run into her house and attacked one of her dogs.... (At home) blood was everywhere Sam had walked through the house. The hallway, on my shoes from the fight, the bathroom where we tried to stop the bleeding and in the car ....taking her to the veterinarian. She underwent minor surgery last night where a drain was placed in her leg in one puncture wound where the tooth had penetrated completely through the muscles and tissues of her leg. It had entered from the front and exited from the skin in the back. There's a tremendous amount of bruising and swelling on her leg and several bites and abrasions around her eyes and muzzle.
September 3, 2000

The owners live across the street from an elementary school and the Animal Control Officer expressed his concern because his 8 year old son walks that way to school twice a day. He assures me the dangerous dog assessment will not require the dog to be put down. It's treated very much like points assessed on a driver's record. Depending on how many points are given to the dog, the owner will be required to do certain things, I'm hoping one will be to take the dog through obedience training. My husband is buying mace to take on walks. One of the bites between my fingers is showing signs of infection. I took off (Sam's) bandages and cleaned the drain in (her) leg. There's a lot of bruising and swelling, stitches from lacerations. I take her back to the vet tomorrow, hopefully to get the drain taken out and find out when I can take her for walks again. I know she misses them.
September 5, 2000

Most of what has happened the past few days has been in conflict with what I hear people tell me and what I actually see going on. I have been assured by the owner of the dog that she will get her boyfriend to pay part of the vet bill. Yet when I passed her house Tuesday night there were three large men standing out front watching me as I passed on the other side of the street. Arms folded across their chests two fixed their eyes on us (Kiki and I, Sam won't be able to walk for two weeks) one shook his head and went in the house with a look of disgust on his face. Yesterday a new Animal Control Officer called and said she had been assigned to the case from 'the guy at the top.' I told her perhaps the first officer had himself removed from the case because he can't be objective since his son walks pass the house to and from school. She wanted me to get the address of the neighbor who said the dog had entered her house and attacked their dog. She asked 'Do you walk every day?' I tell her yes, I've been walking this route for almost a year now. Every night since the attack, Animal Control, Pima County Sherriff and Marana PD have passed me on my walks. Last night my husband called the lady and all seemed amicable. She's still trying to get her boyfrind to pay part of the vet bills and she understood from the Animal Control Officer that the vet would have reported the incident to Animal Control, she understood that we're not trying to cause any trouble. Reassured I walked last night, but took a different route. I heard the car coming from behind me, it's boom box vibrating the ground with deep resonance. He drove by me slowly, glaring, it was one of the men that live in her house. It was all meant to intimidate. A white car with gold wheels, the tags are from California. I walked off in the opposite direction from my house because I didn't want him to know where we live.

They don't know what I've lost these people. I do a lot of thinking on these walks. About how to rebuild my life, help one of my sons with a perplexing problem or plan for family. Working though problems while the heat scatters into the cooling desert and the chameleon sunsets.

These are the people and things I see and delight in every day...

~ the desert gecko that lives in a clump prickly pear cactus who suns himself in the evening sun and scurries back to safety when we walk by only to be out again when we return home.
~the pizza delivery guys
~the curly black terrier that literally explodes into yapping when we go by, dashing madly around the back of the house to get to the other gate before we go out of sight.
~the sad basset hound pup next door whose bays are mournfully muffled because he's so young.
~ the family I met at he grocery store who insisted that I look for them (I found them) who drive by in the blue Thunderbird we all exhange friendly waves,
~ the contented cat in the picture window silently twitching his tail.
~ a brown and white dappled Saint Bernard who, I swear if he decided to,could lean against the rickety old wooden thing his owners call a fence and knock it over!! Well he always bounds to the fence and gently sticks his nose out between the boards for a friendly nuzzle. (he has now passed away)
~ the sage that blooms delicate purple after every monsoon rain
~the energetic man with the tags that say INVSTR who waves wildy to get a smile from me.
~ the place where the cottontailed rabbits come out in the early evening to graze and scurry off flushing out the quail making my dogs dance excitedly the end of their leash.

I threw away my purse today, I couldn't get the stains out of the fabric. Sam had laid on it in the darkness of the car. The walking shoes I bought myself for my birthday were also permanently stained and I got rid of them as well. I still have to face tonights walk and I'll go because I don't want to end up losing this step forward in my recovery. Time will pass and hopefully it will become a distant memory, but for now it's painful.
September 8, 2000

Yesterday morning the specter of this memory reached out of the past in the form of the friendly voice of a County Attorney. He apologized for calling on a Sunday and explained that the hearing was Monday morning at 9:30 and could I have any bills for reimbursement ready by then. After trying three different copy places, all closed on Sunday, it took a reminder from Number Two Son to remember Kinko's was open on Sundays. A restless night then awake at 4 A.M. Leaving an hour and half early for the courthouse because I get so terribly lost. Over and over practicing what to would say. On time but pushed the up button on the elevator instead of down and had to listen to lawyers grumbling about that one. There used to be the usual underground parking garage but couldn't recall where it was downtown. Pictures, bills and these suddenly very usful E2 daylogs were clutched tight as tides of confusion and nervousness washing over, hands sweating, wandering down the alley and out into day light across the street to the pink building with the big turquoise dome. Would there be one of those rolling mental blackouts?

A man facing his second DUI was being sentenced, thirty days in jail 24 consecutive weekends in jail after that was done, two year probation, a second round of DUI classes and an appearance before MADD which would begin with a breathalyzer test. The man pleaded with the judge, his mom had died two years ago and it was stressful taking care of his SO who suffered from panic attacks. Although the judge sympathized he failed to see how drinking the equivalent of ten drinks and then getting behind the wheel of a car helped his SO, the defendant, he observed, obviously didn't pay attention to or understand from the first 10 week DUI course. The next time he would be facing penitentiary time warned the judge. The next case was a young girl maybe 12 or so who had survived a dog attack. Some bruising on her leg she didn't notice until she got home. The court room was running behind so the lawyer and clerk took me over to another court room. He took the things I had brought along and submitted them. Another judge appeared and asked where the defendant was. I had explained to the County Attorney that the family had moved out of the neighborhood a few months ago. It was 9:45 the defendant has only a 5 minute leeway for being late at any rate, said the judge. He offered to wait but the attorney said no and informed me that they would reschedule the hearing. The judge began forfeiture proceedings on the dog owner's one hundred dollar bond and issued a bench warrent with a bond amount of two hundred and fifty dollar. I really don't care anymore about getting the vet bills paid back. When I showed the attorney the pictures of Sam's leg, how the dog had ripped it apart he was shocked. "This is the second time the dog attacked," I mentioned, "I would hate to see this happen to a child."

It's a warm spring like day, in the 70's so I'm off to take Number One Son's car in for some work. Think I'll walk home.

Closure: Sam passed away on January 28, 2004. Her case was never adjudicated and more than likely the statutes of limitations has expired. I still see the woman at the grocery store on occasion. I look at her each time but she fails to recognize me.

A new dog walks by my side today and in all of her ‘here I amness’ it’s plain to see all of the members of the canine family she arises from, their culture, and tribe sees me and my family, my tribe, and even my ancestors. I look in her eyes and see her mother's instincts and her father's intuitions. More than anything I am convinced that if Sam had not been there it would have been me that would have been mauled, something that took a long time to realize.
June 29,2005.

The wilderness and the dry land shall be glad, the desert shall rejoice and blossom; like the crocus it shall blossom abundantly, and rejoice with joy and singing. The glory of Lebanon shall be given to it, the majesty of Carmel and Sharon. They shall see the glory of the LORD, the majesty of our God.
-Isaiah 35:1-2

Devotion

This is the only interesting event of my day, a conversation occuring at the table behind me tonight at dinner in my local dining hall:

Girl 1: ...so the professor was talking about this thing, with this big silver thing catching fire and crashing. I remember the movie, but I can't remember when it happenned.

me: the Hindenburg?

Girl 2: Didn't that happen in the eighties?

Girl 1: No, you're thinking of the Challenger. It was like a blimp, and it had people on it, eating dinner with pianos and stuff.

Guy: Oh, the Zepplin!

me: the Hindenburg.

Girl 1: Yeah, I think it happenned in New York, in 1939.

me: New Jersey, actually.
(Though I didn't know it either, it was actually in 1937, too.)

Girl 2: New York? I don't remember that.

Guy: No, it was in Germany.

me: what?

Girl 2: Ooh.

Girl 1: No, I'm sure it was in New York.

Guy: No, it was in Germany, it was the Nazis.

me: what?? It was in Lakehurst, New Jersey. It was a transatlantic passenger zepplin.

Guy: <nasty look>

Girl 1: No, there were people eating dinner. And pianos.

Guy: No, remember The Rocketeer? With the blimps with the swastikas and stuff?

Girl 1: Ooh, yeah, you're right. And you thought it was the Challenger.

Guy: <smug> Ha, ha. And you thought it was in New York.

me: (getting up to leave) And you. Thought. It was in Germany, you complete. Ignorant. Ass.

I guarantee this is at least 85% true, and the other 15% is phrasing and unimportant details that I forgot. Note that these were all Ivy League students we're talking about.

Falling Through The Bed

• I tried astral projection tonight after reading more about it on the internet (spiritweb.org/Spirit/projection.html). I could barely keep my eyes open while reading the text and dropped occasionally into unconsciousness before at last finishing the introductory instructions.

• With the lights out I lay down on my futon with my clothes on and cover myself up with blankets. My right hand rests over my heart, my left hovering just above the navel. Starting with the tips of my toes I consciously relax the cells of my body, releasing every tiny restraint against gravity. There is a sensation of energy increase in the volume surrounding my body while my flesh itself feels as if it is turning to stone. My sense of self expands into an oblong cloud of vibration, floating heavily on what feels like the surface of a super-dense liquid, but is only my bed. Forming a firm mental intention, I ask for Divine help with this attempt, to be lifted up into the Astral by my Friend who lives there. I am about to begin the sequence of meditation breaths when a bright flash of white and purple explodes in my vision. It is already gone when the first thought about it appears and distracts me slightly out of the trance. Settling back into it, I watch my breath come in and go out of my body of its own accord. The instructions said to keep the concentration focused on the breath....but the mind begins to wander on its own and vague visions of familiar people and places fade in and out of my eye....and now I can see clearly my bookshelf, the many volumes of metaphysics stacked haphazardly a few inches away. It occurs to me that the bookshelf is actually standing several feet away and invisible in the darkness--and now I can no longer see it; I'm back to the trance and concentration on the breath. Starting from the crown chakra I work my way down through the whole system, opening up each energy center as I go. There is the unmistakable sense of a descending musical scale, such is the connection between the chakras and different frequencies of vibration. At this point my housemate knocks on my door to give me a phone call. I say I'll call them back and try to get back into it, but I can tell it's no use. Very briefly I see a white piece of binder paper with the word "knowledge" handwritten in a child's cursive script.

• I sat up and turned the light on, feeling refreshed. The hour I'd been laying there had passed in what seemed ten minutes. Not too bad for a first try, I thought. With any luck, soon I'll be browsing the Akashic Records and walking the slopes of Mount Shasta with the Masters.