Since I already covered several of the things that aren't going well and I don't like at work; I thought I would switch gears for a moment and focus on the things I like that aren't so horrid. I'm still getting used to a new schedule, and I'm surprised at how well that's going considering I'm far more morning person than night owl. I really don't mind working until 8:00 PM, traffic isn't as bad, I have my mornings to myself, I would like to be more productive than I am currently, but I know that I will get there given time. Probably one of the greatest blessings is that the woman I work most closely with is super cool, and I'm grateful to have her. She sees what is going on, and I feel as if she has my back. Apparently two of the people in charge tried to corner her in an attempt to see if they could get her to throw me under the bus, and she replied that things were going well and we had no problems at the front desk. I'm impressed that she immediately recognized what they were trying to do, and found a way to stonewall them.
One of the guys that I used to sit next to when I was in sales has been pretty great too. He has an uncanny ability to get along with just about anyone without kissing up to them, or turning a blind eye to their faults. He's blunt, sarcastic, has a very dark sense of humor, and will tell you whatever he thinks straight to your face, which can be disconcerting. He's very mechanically competent, his truck is a storage vault for an impressive collection of tools, he fixes the carwash and other things when they break down, one of the guys in the shop helped him do the brakes on his truck, and even offered him access to his toolbox when he wasn't around. While some of the people think that toolboxes are a waste of money, others invest in them, and this particular person has quite the setup in his area. It's honestly a work of art in my mind, and really fits his personality. It's shiny black with gold trim, and while that may sound ostentatious, it manages to come across as classy, organized, and sort of playful and fun.
Don't ask my why I am so into tools since I barely know which end of the hammer to use, but they have always fascinated me. One of the things I really miss about being confined to a desk for most of the day is wandering around watching those guys work. I enjoy seeing the flashlights they use, watching them crawl around peering into awkward spots, seeing them tighten loose connections, test for faults, drain oil littered with metal shavings, put in new pistons and rings, trace what a customer thought was an oil leak to hydraulic fluid that had escaped; it's crazy what they come up with, and sometimes there aren't good answers for as to why a vehicle is doing something, or not doing what it should. There was a guy who drove his vehicle back from another state after a shop there put in a new engine. The customer was complaining about the vehicle vibrating at high speeds, and since he's a former pilot he knew a bit more than the average person about how these types of things work.
The vehicle came to our side, but the guy who was working on it asked someone from the other side to go along for a test drive to get his input on it. I like things like that too; where a bunch of people band together, or get help when they need it. Some of the people back there are absolutely brilliant, and I try to pass that type of feedback along whenever I can since I feel that as a group they are routinely, and often unfairly, maligned. Incidentally the second guy thought that there might be a drive train issue, it's kind of funny to me how customers act and react when they call for service, or hear what we have to say. A lady I am not fond of was furious when her check engine light came on, she hadn't had the vehicle long and was positive that whatever was wrong would be covered by her warranty as the car was still new. Before I worked here I had no idea how many problems are caused by rodents living in, or temporarily visiting a vehicle. She had a mouse nest in there, they had chewed through a bunch of wires, and it was pretty hilarious when she tried to blame this on us as if we had any control over where she was parking.
So far management has left me alone for the most part. I have no illusions about what happened, but it appears that I am not as much on their radar as I had feared which is kind of nice, but also irritating to be so summarily dropped. But that is their style, and I actually prefer that since good things rarely come from them being interested in a particular person. The other day I was talking to someone who was pretty upset, and I tried to explain that the people in favor currently were just as likely to be dropped or replaced by new flavors of the day. It's definitely a bitter pill to try and swallow, but I'm trying my best to settle into my new role, and perform the new duties to the best of my abilities. For now I have a job; it may not be the position I once held, but my hourly rate wasn't cut, and I am grateful for that even though it cuts deeply to know that the people who have, and had my job are making more than I do while contributing much less to the organization. Maybe this sounds sour graping; but I would not want to be either of them despite the current financial perks and other advantages they're enjoying for the moment.
It's very difficult to watch people who are self absorbed, political, lazy, and scheming advance while many good people languish and remain unrecognized. I prefer to unite rather than splinter, and I think one thing that was to my credit was the ability to get a large group of people to come together in a mostly fun and synergistic fashion. I see and saw value in those people and their roles, and now that one of the people that gave us a lot of grief is gone, I have renewed optimism for the rest of them. There's a couple bad apples in the bunch, but for the most part it is a very stable, hard working, curious, and in my opinion; very intelligent group. After walking through there area a couple of times, I gave up on that and went into work a different way. It's hard to know how to act, I miss those people dreadfully, and it's difficult on many levels to walk down that aisle and see things from an entirely new perspective. Perhaps people don't know what to say or how to act around me, it makes me sad, so I am taking a break from that for now.
Sometimes I wonder if they've forgotten about me, the way memories fade, however I don't believe that this is the case for many. I think that I am missed, still respected, and probably loved in a new way that I may never fully recognize or understand. Once something good is gone, there's different ways to deal with the holes left behind. I don't think it was good for any of us, but I don't have control and neither do they. While a goup of them could probably band together and advocate on my behalf, I think all of us know how that would go. One guy asked me about it, and told me that he doesn't fuck with the person who demoted me. I understand his position even though it added a fresh wound to the already abraded area. Probably the best part about my new position is working with one of the best employees we have in another department. I'm not sure what I would do without him, he's talked about leaving, and I understand why he wants to quit, but I am so thankful for him and his particular brand of what I like to call softer cynicism.
He sees the politics and bullshit, and manages to stay out of it for the most part. Most of the people in his department suck in one way or another. I ignore, or avoid them when I can; it's crazy to me how so many objectively poor performers thrive and advance in that organization. There are exceptions to every rule of course, I would clean house if I was in charge; but the company seems to prefer lazy and status quo to the people who are able to make a difference there. Someone close to me wondered if there was some form of hanky panky between a member of management and at least one of the new favorites, this could be true, but it doesn't feel right to me. I think that the theory has some merit, but there's probably not anything other than her making him feel like a man, and him bringing out the woman in her. He likes to be in charge, she likes power too, another person said that she hung her tits out to get promoted; I thought that was amusing, and get what that person was saying; that she used her beauty and feminine wiles to her advantage. That's grotesque to me; and another reason why I doubt that this meteoric rise to power will last.
I could be dead wrong about any or even all of this; we all have different versions and views, at the end of the day I will probably never get to the bottom of the why; and can only see the what being played before and around me. It would be very easy to be discouraged and down on myself; for several days I was so shocked and stunned I was just going through the motions, reeling inside and probably confusing people by my inability to come up with anything other than very basic responses to questions. I was still battling the flu, I'm not someone who opens up to people who scare me, I spent a lot of time crying, painting, talking to friends, and trying to shrink into a safer, smaller world. I did go on some job sites, but I haven't done anything like update my resume which I still want to do. It's strange to write this; but I feel protected by a dream bubble that nobody else can see, like I'm there, but not really, and nothing they do, say, or think can ever really hurt the true and real me.
While a more realistic part of me wonders if this is some minor form of dissociation, another side feels as if this might be how I am, removed and moved by an internal world and vision that few other than me will ever see. Personality theory has long appealed to me, and the more I dive into it the greater fascination I have with it. I connect with people who have certain traits and gifts, and pass the others by, the people who have introverted intuition are comfortable, I enjoy talking to them, even mundane discussions seem richly flavored with unexpected depth, as if what is being said is camoflage for higher level interactions. It feels different to me; and I wish I had a better way to describe it; but I don't. I only know that once I find the people that I click with, admire, respect, and seek to include and discover I find all sorts of things I never suspected existed. Like the person I decided to try avoiding because I felt like they had shut down and were isolating. In the past I would have tried harder, I made attempts and overtures, and finally just let it drop. Then something happened that led be to believe that this was a far more effective strategy than trying too hard.
Retrospectively I will probably view this period of my life quite differently than I do now. It's like living in a watercolor painting; things are softer, muted, the blaze of color appears, and is washed away by the seas of change. Few things are concrete or of great substance, impressions, moods, activities, other people ebb and flow, they're here today and gone tomorrow and it is up to me to make what I will of their presence in my life. It's not a decision making time, it's a period of reflection, sleep, putting one foot in front of the other without thinking too hard about any one thing. It's a time to examine my emotions, to feel rather than think so much, I don't know if others feel that I have changed, perhaps I am trying on different layers of my personality and seeing what happens when I give up, give in, take the path of least resistance, and see if I can ride out some of the unrest that churns around me like an angry ocean or sudden squall. I cherish the smooth glass like surfaces, the still waters that run deep, none of it really means anything, only it means everything too. I don't know, it's strange, I don't even recognize myself anymore at times.
But that might not be the worst thing ever either.
Xoxo,
J
P.S. I'm so grateful for so many people and things. Words fail me...
j
- they say that the oak tree breaks
- while the reeds bend with the winds
- maybe it's time I learned how to
- stop challenging authority, exposing
- incompetence, increasing efficiency,
- working hard and smart; and just
- letting whatever will be unfold
- without my interference. Today
- I painted a painting that was inspired
- by someone I love, funny how that happens...