Last night I'm not sure I got more than an hour or so of interrupted sleep. I had fun going out last night even though it was a super short date. I like people who listen. I like it when you can sit down and have a real conversation with someone about the unsexy parts of life. I like it when two people can admire each other for their scars, how they handle their pain, how they've chosen to treat the past as a learning experience rather than a perpetual source of anger. I like people who can make me laugh. He reminds me of one of the guys I used to work with, the guy who received a poem from me. I've been thinking about him a lot lately. I wonder what he's been up to and how he's doing. He made me feel safe. That was so important to me. I've always liked the people who are different. Those who have different drums beating in their heads, the people who aren't mainstream, those who don't quite fit in with everyone else, those who can make me believe that there is freedom from banal conversations, from platitudes, from the superficial and fake. I love the people who are authentic, those who are real, the people who make life interesting, enjoyable, worthwhile, valuable, even when they tear at your soul late at night when you're not feeling well.
I'm not sure if it's allergies or I picked up something that's been going around. Today I miss my old job. I miss being able to shop there. I miss my boss, I miss that guy, others, people I used to talk to whenever we worked together. It's sad, I'm sad. I'm grieving because I went grocery shopping last night and now every time I set foot into another store, it's a reminder of what I had, that I no longer enjoy. Some time ago I took some paper grocery bags and wrote on the back of them. I connected different fruits and vegetables on one, I put red wine varietals on another. I didn't have my striped bag with me when I went to the store so I used those bags. The cashiers saw them and commented on them. I told them I used to make art out of everyday things. I told them that I had fallen in love with someone who was vegan and that love and food go together in my mind. I had forgotten about those bags until I saw them in my trunk. We all slept in today. I laid there fretting for a while until I decided that I was giving my children the gift of rest. There weren't going to be any responsibilities today, we are just going to use this day to be. I keep crying, nothing real serious, just tears here and there, hopelessness, frustration, tiredness, futility, rage, weakness, despair, but through it alll, a knowledge that the next moment may bring something completely different.
Someone that sent me an email asking for a phone interview finally got back to me. I'm glad I didn't push even though I could have. Getting a job is a confusing process. You have so little control over what is out there, and no idea what their culture may be like or what you're walking into because they're trying to show you the best parts of their organization. I'm trying not to be defeated, I know I'm in a much better place than I was, I'm very emotional today. Today I feel like a toddler who is struggling to do anything right. The kid who knocks over their drink, spills most of their food on the floor, the one who throws a temper tantrum at story hour, and wails when mom and dad tells them it's time for a nap. I feel sulky, sullen, congested, depressed, and jaded. My joints hurt and I'm kind of achy. I haven't drunk enough water and I'm mad at myself for that. But there are good things in my life too. One thing dating has taught me is how simple my life is compared to some and I really like that about myself. Others can keep their huge homes and high pressure jobs that pay well, but leave them with very little time to enjoy the fruits of their labor. I think I'm good for others, I can see what they need, I'm honest about sharing feedback with them in a kind manner, and I don't expect much out of them other than respect and conversation.
There's so much more I would like to share, but my head is pounding and I'm sure the other patrons at the library are leery of someone who looks like they jammed a baseball cap on their head after they literally rolled out of bed this morning.
Much love,
J
P.S. I'm proud of myself for the things I accomplished in February. May not seem like much when I still have so far to go, but at least I'm taking small steps forward.
j