Some names omitted, to protect the innocent
Its been a long time since I've seen you. How are you? Did you ever find your true love or did you find out like the rest of us that chase is fruitless? I write to you tonight because I'm depressed, but it is my fault that I'm depressed.
Let's recap where we were the last time we spoke..
- I got a job working for Watkins.. so far so good, I found out my boss is seeking to replace me recently because me and him don't get along so well. It's a long story, the cliff notes: He's a self proclaimed military brat, this is his first ever job, his first time managing people, and he doesn't like it when others are opinionated about projects which are not under his control.
- I bought a home! Good for me! Two months later the value dropped nearly 5%! D: But I own a home (for now). Lifelong goal complete.
- Love life is the same as ever.. I'm currently alone, and all signs say I will remain that way for the foreseeable future.
- I last spoke to you about a good friend who lives north side of Maryland. She's now employed, about around the time I bought a house I offered a room to her. More about this at the fantastic conclusion of our bulleted list!!!
Hmm. over a bit earlier than expected.... Well, no matter. I started a livejournal (which I won't give you the link to because it ties back to me in various ways, and the subject that I'm about to discuss), to keep up with my thoughts, relationship matters and that of my good friend... More about her..
Rachel is someone I've known for almost nine years now. I'm using the turn of the century as the marking point, but I know I've known her since at least summer 1999. Rachel is everything I want in a woman's personality. She's selfless, devoted, giving and receptive to gifts without complaint, thoughtful and opinionated in conversations; sometimes stubborn and competitive, otherwise submissive. Rachel and I had a thing you could say, back in 1999/2000; and I've known her ever since. Some years I faded away and we lost touch, but I always tried to stay in touch at least every few months..
Well, about a year and a half ago I started keeping in touch more regular, she had moved from boyfriend to boyfriend I knew, trying to find someone who appreciated her for who she was; I'm not really sure what happened between us back then, and I suppose I'll never know. I'm sure she doesn't anymore. I ended up on the friends ladder, although I didn't complain about this, that's all I saw her as, a good friend...
Well this changed for me about six months ago, I don't know why; it's not that she became anymore available than she was (she's currently in a long distance relationship of three years with a guy in Great Britain that she's met a few times. I don't know why I love her like I do, and I try to keep it behind the works because I don't want to rock the boat.
I have no communication with her current boyfriend, and I wish to keep it that way - they're going through some rough times (due to the distance) and he's not.. the best, you could say, but she loves him; and that's enough for me to keep my distance.
I care deeply for Rachel, I would go to the edge of the earth and fetch a falling star if it would make her happy; I would give my life for hers, and I say that with absolute sincerity. She shines like the brightest star in the night sky when she's happy, but lately she hasn't been. I've offered to fly her boyfriend in, but she's refused - he has nowhere to stay because of her living arrangements.. that's a long story.
Alas, as a good friend should; I've told her nothing of this, nothing more than that I cared for her and for her to call me if she ever needs me. She never calls, but I know she needs someone. Most of the time I keep my mouth shut, I ask her if there's anything I can do, and if not - I just try not to touch on the subjects she doesn't want to talk about, I try to find funny things on the Internet that would cheer her up...
Well, a little more about our friendship and recent events.. She's what you would call an "Internet" friend, I've never met her. Isn't this sad? You might be thinking you need to get out more but I do, I work in a school with 400 students attending and I'm admist tons of culture, but no luck yet, and it's not for the lack of looking, trust me. I admitted to myself (shortly after I admitted that I still had deep feelings for her) that this boat sailed long ago, she was a lost cause; nothing I could EVER do.. ever, would put her into my arms. I told myself.. you're wasting your time, if you have any hopes and dreams about being with her again..
Recently she was in search of a little trinket, a collar with a bell like what a kitty cat might wear; a Jaguar is her "fursona". She said she never could find one, but I did; I showed it to her, picked it out, bought it for her and had it drop-shipped a long with another item, a little white furry hat...
I guess she thought not much of it, but I was happy to do something like that. She's never in the past ever let me.. do anything for her, but she just did; there was a glimmer of hope even if just for a short moment.. I know one shouldn't look into that, but that moment of joy that I was able to do something for someone I cared about - that was enough for me.. at least for me. It made me smile, like I hadn't in a long time.
Well, time goes on, now I have her address (she had moved since before, I never had it) so.. one night it was much the same story, she was looking for something online, she'd mentioned weeks prior she wanted to buy a Hookah so.. I obliged, found one she liked, bought it on ebay and had it drop shipped. This was last Tuesday. It should make it there sometime this week.
I was happy again, it's like a drug; she lets me do something that makes her smile, give her a gift because I know she doesn't get any gifts, and it makes her smile, and it makes me smile. For just a moment everything in the world is right again.
This story is long, but it's a story of love and loss, you should continue reading...
Friday I came home, and like every evening at 8:30 (if I don't call and leave a VM, which she's never really responded to) I ask her how her day went, this is just about the time she gets in so I figure I should get a response soon enough. I know that if I don't say anything, she won't say anything. This is sort of a blurry situation now because I can't tell if she's being quiet because she thinks I'm busy, or because she doesn't want to talk at all..
She's sick tonight, and she had been lonely the past week or so.. so on an instinct I do something that in reflection I maybe shouldn't have. I bought her flowers, to be delivered next day to her door.. they were nice I thought, purple flowers with red roses, something from 1800 flowers entitled "all about you", it wasn't one of their "love" dealies, I just wanted something she liked and smelled good and would brighten her day.
"thanks for the flowers."
That's all, no emotion. "thanks." with a period, no smiley face, what was I expecting? this isn't a phone conversation, so I couldn't have expected much, no "aw", no "oh my you shouldn't have".. just "thanks". It was wrong of me to expect any more, but I just did.. I was devastated, I thought I had done something wrong, a thousand thoughts raced through my mind, does she not like them? Is she that sick to give such an unenthusiastic response? The rest of this weekend, they're not even mentioned. I decided flowers would be something I wouldn't do in the future. Maybe they're just inappropriate; but I tried.. to do something I hoped she would like; even if just from a friend.
Old habits die hard, especially with Rachel. She has a self-infliction problem, when she gets angry at herself for relationship reasons or whatever.. that's what she does, with a sharp blade. It's been a long time since she's done it. But tonight was one of those nights. I knew something was wrong when she disappeared online without saying a word, not very unusual (when she's tired) but usually not in the middle of the day. She didn't want to talk about it when she came back, she said she was just angry. Something wrong in the relationship I take it, but I keep my nose out of those matters unless she chooses to include me.
It took me awhile to work up the nerve to ask if she'd like some company. My intentions were strictly friendly, she likes Kevin Spacey, hasn't seen the older movie K-PAX, so I thought I'd offer to make the drive up next weekend, spend some time with her since she doesn't usually have any company being the area she's in, go out and explore the city, have some sushi and other things. Generally just break the monotony. It took me a long time to ask because I knew it would be weird, awkward even. It was.
It's odd, Rachel is my only true friend, I have plenty of acquaintances, but no true friends except for her. When I talk about my relationship problems she's the one I talk to; but I can't talk to her about these problems, they involve her, and it would just make things.. bad. That's the best I can assume that would come out of it. How do you respond to someone's feelings when you're the other party?
She's deeply in love with this guy, there's nothing I can do to change that, nor do I want to really - I want her to be happy with whomever, if I had the old happy Rachel back, bouncy and alive and chatty, I would be thrilled.. but I don't, and the only thing I can think to do is to be there for her..
I'd like to think I could be there for her, I could take care of her and I like to think that's what she needs, someone to love her; but she's on a different mission right now and I respect that.
Here's what she said..
"honestly.. i just don't think it'd be really all that appropriate right now." - in reference to me coming up and keeping her company.
"i enjoy your company, (...) but i feel like you want more from me than what i'm willing to offer. my relationship with (...) is on the rocks right now at best, and i feel like having a guy friend to visit would completely devastate him." - in reference to my request for clarification.
"just not used to getting flowers. only ever got flowers from dad growing up.. and (an old boyfriend) sent me some, a long time ago.. for my birthday i think " - in reference to me getting her gifts/flowers.
I don't know what to think anymore. Part of me says "this boat left the dock a long time ago." She doesn't.. talk to me unless I start the conversation, so I feel like.. if I never say anything, she'll never say anything.
I just want to say.. "If you need a friend, you know where to find me"
and never say another word..
I don't know anymore...
Je t'aime, ma chérie,