Random Thoughts for the Day
I'm going to at least come up with a pile of these each day; just in case I haven't got anything else to say on a given day, I'll at least have these.
Everything2's honor roll thing confuses me a bit. Most of my writeups gets more positive than negative votes. None of them have been nuked in ages -- I got the hang of
writing here fairly quickly, thankfully. Weird thing is, yesterday before I posted my March 22, 2004 daylog, I needed 58 writeups to hit the next level (I think level 4, too lazy to look
right now). Today, with messages of "you gained 4 experience points!" and my writeups getting positive votes, I need 60 writeups to level. The mind boggles :)
I don't particularly care about leveling, but it's just weird to see that number change so randomly that way.
Six Feet Under is an incredible show. I've seen two episodes of it so far, and practically tear myself apart waiting for my roommate to want to watch more episodes of it (the whole
first season of it sits on DVD in the living room, taunting me). It's nifty.
I always up-vote day log entries. If you spent the time to write something there, you deserve a good vote for sharing it with us. Thanks!
I'm going to start the letters-to-the-universe idea today. I'll be at the store anyway to pick up a few things, so I'll get a notepad. And I'm going to write in it. I'm going to write
down what I want in my life, how I want it to happen, and when. I will be honest, selfish, and will hold back nothing. It'll make me feel better. And maybe, just maybe, the universe will listen
to me, and help me achieve those things.
Okay, so I've embarked (well, have been embarked for awhile) on this mission to heal myself and make things better. I should probably describe how I'm doing.
Physical -- today I'm at 190 pounds. Wrong direction, needs to go down a bit.
Spiritual -- Didn't have much need or time for spirituality yesterday, but I did still take the time to just shut my mouth and have a listen. Nobody had anything to say to me, but I'm okay
with that. Yesterday's was a reasonably decent day.
Emotional -- Stuff still hurts. Duh. Seeing love scenes on TV shows stings, hearing songs about being horny or about making love still put me in the mood, and that nobody's around
to do that with me stings. I get the feeling another mild crumbling might be on the way. I'm still hurt on the inside from my divorce, and of course still hurt from recent events too. It might
just take another couple of breakdowns to get that all out in the open and dealt with. I have a tendency to look at Erica through rose-colored lenses, and sometimes I have to remind myself
that it's okay to feel upset and a bit betrayed by what she's done over the past two months. She surely didn't mean to hurt me, but she still did. I don't hate her for it, I'm not mad at her
for it, and I have already forgiven her for doing it. But that hurt is still there, and just needs time to heal. It's pretty cold to first say "okay, I've decided; I'm done with that guy, let's
pick our relationship back up and go with it!" then say "I think we both need to stop and not date anyone", then say "I want to give it another chance with him, but we're not dating
right now, so I'm waiting for him to be ready. In the meantime, you're out of my bed, and no more intimate stuff, because he won't trust me otherwise. But I still love you." Ouch. Just ouch.
Last night was hard. Sleep didn't come to me easily. When I did fall asleep, I was given the rare treat of pleasant, outright wonderful dreams, reliving the happy moments of my life from the
past two months (and believe me, there have been plenty). When I woke up this morning, I laid there for a minute, not thinking about anything except the dreams I'd just had. I was still not
entirely awake, and was in that state where I still believed what I was dreaming about was real. I felt something warm and soft laying next to me, and for a moment, I believed it was Erica.
Then as I woke up, looked under the covers, and my wonderful little cat emerged from under them, I realized I wasn't in a soft, warm bed cuddling with the woman I love, but was in fact laying
on a rather hard, very cold (it's chilly downstairs; her bedroom is upstairs) futon/couch thing, by myself apart from the cat who wanted a cuddle. Believe me, she got one. This is probably the
toughest night I've faced since all this started.
I still read her last two LiveJournal entries sometimes. Both of them were saying goodbye to him. Both of them were fairly angry. Both of them seemed final. She has to know all those problems
she wrote about still exist. His reply to the first one was astoundingly angry and final-sounding too, and apparently he replied to her second entry privately, but I imagine it was probably just
as heated. It still boggles my mind that after all that, they're still going to try. I did that once -- for six years in an unpleasant marriage, my ex-wife and I both tried our best to make it
work. It took us six years to realize it wasn't going to.
It hurts to read that exchange between them, hear them both say it's over, and remember her telling me it was over between them. It hurts to remember how good I felt that day, how happy I was.
It hurts to realize how foolish I was for believing it right away.
Financial -- Some much-needed money came in yesterday. The most critical thing can now be paid for this month before it goes too far past-due to avoid trouble. Whew. There's still hope in
Work -- The pile keeps getting higher, but I keep wading through the workload. I'll get it all done. Just try to stop me :)
Other stuff -- Sleep is still difficult for me. Once I get to sleep, though, I thankfully stay asleep and end up feeling rested when I get up. Going to sleep is hard right now. Instead
of a warm, comfortable bed (the most comfortable mattress, sheets, and comforters known to man), next to a beautiful woman who usually rolled over and hugged me during the night, I now
sleep on a much colder, much less soft and cushy futon that folds into a couch. And it's just me laying there. The cats (even mine) tend to stay upstairs with her where it's warmer. My comforter
is decent, but can't hold a candle to hers. It's just lonely.
I know all the stuff about "you're never alone!" but I mean "lonely" in the literal sense of the word. The person I want to sleep next to isn't willing to let me sleep next to her anymore.
Sigh. I have to get used to it, but I still don't want to. I'm allowed to bitch about it :)