My friend Chopper's associate and sometimes mentor Dr. Erwin Humeck of the Baltimore Great Study Brain Trust has isolated something of interest to most people. It is a bacteria that causes an invisible skin disease that eats into the bloodstream and the brain causing persons to make irrational and poor decisions, such as becoming Democrats.
Armed with this important information, Dr. Humeck, Chopper and myself are contacting our friends at the Republican National Committee as it will give legal precedent to eliminate the Democratic Party, make George W. Bush President for Life (and hopefully make the presidency an inheritable office), and make Democracy work again as it should by giving voters the simple choice of one candidate from one party for each office and eliminate confusing options. When there is one political office to be filled it is much easier for working people to have only one person to select and it therefore becomes a simple matter of checking a single box in each office category and getting the right candidates, those put to the task by the Repubican Party, into the right offices.
This may not happen right away but I am hopeful.
For too long now the defenders of democracy and the American Way of Life have had to contend with unnecessary debate, dialogue and characters of low breeding attempting to take persons doing the right thing to task. The voters have had enough. Progress cannot be made when the party of the strong faces frequent incursions from the party of the feeble and unemployable which delay their efforts to put real plans into action. We are finally starting to kill bad people by the thousands and reset the balance of the planet by herding the poor into work camps where they will have to entirely abandon TV dinners and cable television in favor of forced 16-18 hour work days in an extremely hot environment, such as Death Valley or Georgia. There they could be made to coax food and minerals from the earth so those of us with large financial portfolios could have more exotic dishes to eat and more wonderous jewels to bestow upon girlfriends. It only makes sense.
There is no other way for democracy to survive.
Chopper has me thinking more and more about getting personally involved with punishing the wicked. We've spent several months fighting the relentless Baltimore insurgency only to find it is being financed by that guy from Delaware, Joe Biden. We have captured two dozen insurgents and Chopper brings them down to a basement where he and his friend Captain Ernesto do things to them in order to extract information. I haven't gone down in the basement yet but they keep asking and offering cognac and bags of candy to me if I will agree. I've told them I am a bit put off by the sounds of the insurgents being made to pay for what they've done, and I am not a squeamish man. I once shot two people dead trying to get over the Berlin Wall when I was a kid because the soldiers on duty were being seduced by communist transvestites (who were fairly convincing I might add).
Now clearly there is a problem with a person of some influence from Delaware getting mixed up in Old Baltimore politics and financing insurgents who wreak havoc in our fair city. Of course, once Dr. Humeck's information is given to The White House it will be mere months before the Democratic Party is eliminated and our collective foe Joe "Let's Just Release Everyone From Prison and Buy Them Opium" Biden is out of a job and in a work camp. Without his financing the Baltimore insurgency will surely die out rather quickly. It will also force the Colts to move back to Baltimore, City of Champions once again.
Also today my girlfriend asked me for money to pay her electric bill which was up around $600 and they were threatening to cut off her supply. In doing so (doing so indicating paying the bill for her) I have increased the seriousness of our relationship ten-fold.