Haunting Voices, Long Gone
Yesterday, maybe the day before, I was
shooting the shit, catching up, with an old
friend of mine from a
mud. I hadn't talked to her in maybe a
year.
She mentioned a small collection of
wav files that I'd sent her a while back and I demanded that she send them to me.
I've owned three PC's so far, since I left
home behind. I still have all my
pics, .
txt files, and other interesting crap from every
computer on my current one, spread out all over the place like a
history book gone horribly
wrong.
Things get lost, though, and I had a
sneaking suspicion that those .wav files were part of the few that I hadn't kept. I was right. And I reclaimed them for my collection of personal
miscellaney.
These were .wav files I couldn't duplicate now because it was not me at the mic, it was my slightly
psychotic,
acid suffused,
eccentric,
nutty, and
bold roommate from
Florida.
In the first wav file, he talks about the gray, striped
kitten I had, which he dubbed, "Helf Reykoon", even though the kitten's name was actually tweaky. The first wav file:
(
Old man voice,
tranquil and
methodically spoken):
Today we have for you, a very young, very horny young cat. Yes. We also have for you... the horny young cat's trainer. The cat's name is helf reykoon, the trainer's name is: Abdul-kramCHACHZHAMBATO. Okay. Take it away, Abdul.
(
He changes his voice to a
vague,
ethnic,
Middle-Eastern accent):
HEY MAN! Helf Reykoon breeds inside the jack-off theatre, in puddles of semen and goat cheese. This is what I know of helf-reykoon. Heee HOoooooo!!
Okay. Now I know you're ready to
judge him
harshly. But imagine this guy, sitting at a microphone and making all this interesting
nonsense up right off the top of his head.
People get paid millions of dollars for writing
shit that doesn't come close to the above. You have to admit, it does have a certain artful
quality to it, despite the
coarse nature.
And he thought it all up in seconds, with only a striped
kitten for
inspiration.
The voices are
excellent, too.
Now here's a song he made up on the same night. Once again, it's
improv.
Sick shit, but I laugh my
ass off when I hear it, especially since he raised the
pitch to about 2x normal and he sings it with such profound
joy and
innocence in his
voice:
I wish I had a kilo of crack
of crack
and then another kilo of smack
yes smack
(rising in pitch and tempo)
I'd shoot up the smack!
and then I'd smoke some crack!
(evil, rasping and emphatic)
And then I'd shoot your gramma in the neck
and the back!
I know. The lyrics are pretty
fucked up, but imagine someone singing them like he's one of
the Chimpmunks in a
Broadway Musical. Yeah. That's what I thought.
Needless to say, the guy did a lot of
illegal drugs. He was
callous,
egomaniacal,
greedy, and sometimes, outright
vicious but, man, he was
fun to
hang out with.
Here's a brief list of things he did while we lived together:
Gave the
duplex neighbor's cat a
White Russian.
Did three lines of
cocaine, ran outside with no shirt, and took a
spray-painted plywood religious
symbol from outside a
Church(The
religion of which I will not mention due to its
unimportance)across the street. He ran up to a couple walking down the sidewalk, held it up, and proclaimed, "
I AM GOD!" They turned and walked away, without comment.
Walked up to a bum in
St. Augustine Fl. after getting loaded on
acid and told the guy that he was
Satan Offered him
wealth and
power beyond the
dreams of any
mortal man, plus a lot of
heroin and
hookers in
Hell. Told the bum a handshake would seal the contract, and the
bum,(It was quite
evident to anyone who looked at this
bum and or listened to him talk for a moment that he was indeed
out of his
fucking mind) smiled and shook his hand, mumbling
gibberish.
Bought
computer cleaner at a crowded
Wal-Mart and
informed the cashier and everyone he saw on the way out that he was going to
inhale it (which he later did), as he held over his head, high and proud. (I was filming it with his camera. His mom later saw it, after he had moved back in with her, and kicked him out of the house again.)
He
pissed on three
cops standing below the
apartment balcony(yeah. He was tripping then, too) who were guarding the
entrance while others went in to raid the
apartment. Then he said, "I
BAPTIZE YOU!"
Stared at a palm tree, transfixed, and said, ever so quietly, "noodles."
Yeah. There are a lot more. Maybe I'll think of some
later. I'm coming to realize, as I write this, that this guy deserves his own wu entirely.
To say he was a
character would-be a
gross understatement.
Oh and, if you'd like to, by some off chance, hear the .wav files, msg me and I will send them to you in
email or via
aim.