Tonight I'm thinking about the past, the future, and my present situation. I'm ashamed and embarrassed of some of my behaviors. Most of this is stemming from a conversation I had with a friend of mine who doesn't see or hear from his children often. He told me things could be worse, I'm fortunate because I still see my kids. Today my friend came over to do more cleaning and organizing. I wrote out a list of chores that need to be done. I need to get a routine together. I've been saying this for I don't know how long, it's still true. I'm finally admitting that this is something I don't know how to do therefore I'm recruiting help in an area where I lack expertise.
I'm willing to pay for others to help me. This is kind of funny/ironic as I'm an expert who gives services away for free. The other day a woman came up to me with an article she found online. After chatting for a while I showed her how she could transition incrementally toward a healthier diet that included more whole foods and fewer packaged and conveniece items. I'm exceptionally good at what I do and proud of myself for taking a job that has others believing I'm not living up to my full earning potential. While that's likely true I feel as if I am making a difference in the lives of others which in turn makes my life richer, fuller, and more rewarding.
There's a box and a bag sitting on my landing that needs to go to Goodwill or another thrift store. I hate staring at it, and need to get it out to my car. My friend recommended getting the girls and myself some bags that hang from hooks in my bathroom for the girls to store their products and paraphernalia - glad I checked the spelling of that word, I used to be able to spell well and write poorly, now I write better than I spell, is this a metaphor for something deeper? Probably not. But I digress. Since I've been having my friend over I've realized that what she's doing is making me more optimistic about my ability to run a household that is closer to my vision of what I would like it to be: cue fantasy music, birds chirping, and worms busily burrowing deeper into my compost pile...
I need to find a new place to live before September begins and I'm happy to report I have a better idea of what I want this place to look like. Considering how much I moved when I was a child it's remarkable to me that I lived in the same home for almost 20 years. That address gave me a stability of sorts, but one I'm glad I traded for the life I have now. I'm unbelievably fortunate to be the woman I am today. To have the background and skills that I do, the education I paid for, to live in an apartment that saved me money on heat during a Wisconsin winter, to have a job that pays me to move and learn new things that also gives me a discount on groceries and a mission that speaks to my soul, too often I get hung up on what I don't have yet or how things aren't quite perfect which is just silly.
A goal of mine is to let go of some of this guilt I carry around with me without losing sight of the fact that we as beings must continually improve lest we regress. I have made progress and will be derailed by shiny things on paths that take me away from my ultimate destination. As an idealist and a perfectionist life is a series of, yeah this is cool, but it would be even cooler if we could also do this, that, and the other thing. Change is rarely comfortable, I'm a mover and an explorer of new ideas, not all of which are better than what went before me. It's humbling, but also exciting as there have been times when suggestions of mine yielded fruit beyond what I could have imagined.
Tonight I'm up late because I had the wisdom to lie down and take a nap today. Tomorrow is typically our busiest day at work. Instead of focusing on the stress and harried movements I'm picturing myself moving fluidly through my day, having conversations that are compassionate, and dialing back some of my excesses. It's okay to have a large personality, it's also nice when I remember that I have two ears and can give people who drive my paycheck my full attention. Going down to four days at work will allow me to catch up on sleep, something that has been rare and precious in my life, snatched moments here and there beneath unsafe covers, tonight my bedding will be warm, soft, safe, and mine. Really, who could ask for more?
Until next time,
P.S. I feel like I could use more encouragement so if you have any to spare, feel free to send it along. Also, I've been missing out on art and fiction, need to find ways to get those back into my life ASAP.