It is late and I cannot sleep. Seems like brain dump time.

This is another one of those nights where I think too much. They come in all kinds of different flavors. Some nights my thinking bends and while everything is the same, I think of things differently. This is pretty much the standard negative thought thing. Other nights my imagination runs wild and creates worse case scenarios of my future. These occasionally stretch decades ahead into my life. Yet other nights are the ones where everything I don;t want to think about gets thought about. This one is special in that it can be combined with all the other kinds of nights. But tonight, tonight is a special kind of night. Tonight is one of those nights where my long memory has a chance to shine. Tonight is one of those nights where I drown in the self-pity of guilt. Where I go over every single thing that I can remember ever doing wrong in my life, or could have done better, or could have done differently. It walks a razors edge on the "what if" kind of night but those are for worst case scenarios. This is more of a "I wish" sort of night. Tonight is one of guilt and regret; from when I locked my Mom out of the apartment as a toddler to my sins of just the other day. But at the same time, if I could go back in time, how much would I change? A friend and I talked about this a few years ago. We agreed that while it wasn't always the best of times, we are where we are because of it and we like where we are. Even still, there are things I regret doing, personal failures, wrongs against other people, things that cannot be undone. I can only try to bear the burden or regret as a reminder, never forgetting. Lots of people have an ideal they follow, someone they want to be. The person I want to be is a better version of me. I just want to be able to look back and not want to beat myself over the head. Sometimes that means admitting to myself that I am not always a good person, that I have ulterior motives. I am learning to be honest with myself after learning I cannot always trust myself. I can only ask for forgiveness; I can only walk and hope I am going forward. The road is long. Let us run with endurance the race that is set before us.

Maybe I can sleep now.


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