The first of March has historically been a significant day in my life. Ten years ago on March 1, 2006 I started writing about the characters that are still with me today. I feel like that's a reason to celebrate the good, the bad, and the ugly parts of that type of dedication. Do I wish it had led to something more? Maybe. Am I sorry I let writing interfere with my ability to get other things done? A little. Do I have a lot of regrets about how I parented my children over the past decade? Of course. Would I change any of it if I could? I don't think so. Time travel isn't an option for me. I realize it's not a viable option for anyone, but I wouldn't go back in time even if I could. I think things were meant to happen for a reason and altering anything wouldn't make anything better since everything is linked and connected in my mind.
Medication update: I did what everyone tells people not to do and quit taking my medication. At first I was going to scale back since I was given a new prescription. Then I forgot and then I decided it hadn't really been doing anything for me and stopped cold turkey. I feel like it's pretty pointless to tell people not to do this, my advice would be to tell patients that this is a choice they have to make and ask if they trust you enough to tell the truth about stopping meds. What I learned from this experiment is that the medication probably was doing things for me, my own memory of past emotions and behaviors is unreliable, and I probably really do need to be on some sort of mood stabilizer for the rest of my life.
It's fine to take a break from things after the kids leave, but I've been sleeping a lot more than I usually do, I have very little interest in anything, I've let the dishes pile up without caring too much about the organized collection of dirty plates and bowls on the counter, and I pretty much don't care about anything. The last piece is tricky for me, so often I feel like I care about everything, this feels like a little break, but it's swung too far the other way. Obsessing about money is bad, compulsively shopping is undesirable, but sitting at home flatlining and not spending money is really not where I want to be either. The good news is I didn't throw my old meds out in a purge, if I want to go back on what I had been taking I have to start all over again. Tonight I can start the new meds. Hopefully they won't take long to be effective...
P.S. I really want to go back and read some of the things I've written, if you have something you're proud of, I'd like to read it. Shoot me a link and I'll see what I can do for you.