The other day I read that there were only 305 days left in 2015. I've done things, at home, away from home, but I'm still searching for my higher calling. I know what I could do, and I know what I should do, so why am I not doing it? Mostly out of fear which is very silly of me, but it doesn't change how I feel. A couple days ago an event made me evaluate what I was doing on Twitter. I'm embarrassed to report that back in 2012 I shared some of my marital problems with a stranger I knew slightly. Time passed and I got to know this stranger better. Sometimes I am afraid to unfollow people on Twitter. That is silly, but the other day someone followed me after they blocked me. I can't figure out why you would follow someone you are blocking, but I didn't have long to wonder because this person unfollowed me after sending me a rude tweet. I'm over it, but at the time my feelings were hurt. So far the two websites that I've loved have been Twitter and E2. You can pack up your toys and move, but if you don't take the time to change your behaviors, things aren't going to stay better elsewhere.
Some time ago I created a different Twitter identity for myself. I played around with the idea, liked it, and felt like it was good enough to keep. The other day I got rid of my @JessicaFastball account for good. I've never been that fond of the username and what I like about my new username is it more accurately reflects what I want to do on Twitter. I love baseball, I love art. I do not love being the real me. I do that in real life and I come online to get away from things like my daughter failing algebra and wondering if I'll ever learn to budget properly and manage my money better. On E2 my name is JessicaJ, that is my real name and it's okay to use it here since this is me writing about my life, my fiction, and my footwear facts and insights. I have an identity here that I sometimes question, but for the most part I know who I am and what is expected of me here. I doubt I will ever change what I do here since this is comfortable and so much of my life is chaos that logging in after two months feels like coming home after a long day and finding my favorite slippers and blanket while curling up with tea.
Twitter is where I get my news, entertainment, and where I conduct my interviews for #BehindTheSeams. I felt like I might have to give up the interviews for 2015, but then I got a computer and my first one didn't go very well, but I'm looking forward to my next one since my guest was delightful to speak with on the phone. This upcoming interview is a departure from the sports format so I'm nervous about how it will go, but not at all about my guest since this person understands that life happens in the moment although it can be anticipated or dreaded and reviewed only after events become history. One of the things I'm working on right now is layering my habits instead of abandoning former positive things in my life when I start focusing on a different area. I made a committment to better eating this weekend by going back to the farm store I used to shop at. It was simultaneously comforting and distressing to return. I can only imagine where I would be at had I stayed there, but it was my choice to return and that makes me happy.
At the suggestion of a friend I'm taking a break from Twitter. My friend defined addiction as an inability to be away from 'insert vice here' for three days. She didn't add 'in a row', but I knew what she meant. I know I spend too much time online, much of that has been frivoled away although I fancy that I have made an impact on lives and shared information others lacked. But I also ignored things I should have been doing and got wrapped up in drama that I could have freed myself from had I enjoyed a more robust relationship with the app I love so well. As my interview guest said, it's necessary to step back and question ourselves. I've gotten a lot of writing done in my short Twitter break. That was good for me and so was the realization that I am addicted to a site that is live 24/7. I'm still working out a better plan for how to manage my time and fill my life with other things besides Twitter, but I wanted to share my story with you in case anyone else was struggling with a similar problem and found it helpful, and because that's just who I am.
Thanks for reading,
P.S. I was listening to Layla when I wrote this. Foolish pride indeed. Thanks Eric.
P.P.S. I've really appreciated people checking in on me. If you want to help, drop by and say hi. Being addicted to anything, even something as fleeting as Twitter is unfun, and I'm really struggling with a lot of this so the support is touching and encouraging. If you feel like you need someone to talk to about an addiction or an obsession, I can relate and would be happy to share the resources and information I've gathered so far.