So today happened.

That seems to be happening a lot, these days. Things happen to me. I don't do much; much happens to me.

That's an example of what I think is one of my worst habits: my external locus of control. The basic idea is that I view things as being controlled by outside forces, not by myself.

Although that's only half true - for negative events, I have a very strong internal locus. This adds up to me having just gotten lucky whenever something goes right, and blaming myself for anything that goes wrong. This also adds up to some wonky self-esteem, but I'm not going to complain as far as that goes. Some people have it worse than I.

I'm currently going through the process of working on an Eagle Scout project. That means I have to coordinate with five different people who don't care about what I'm doing and one person who really, really cares but can't help me in any way. Today I had a meeting with one of those people who don't really care. She is the nicest woman I have ever had the pleasure to work with, and has actually been a great help. Then again, I'm organizing a massive amount of work for her, for a project that she wanted done in the first place. Still, nice is nice.

I'm also currently roughly two weeks away from the opening night of a show I'm performing in. I'm playing a character who is right on the border of being a supporting lead role - solo song, large amount of lines and plot relevant, yet not included in the official list of leads. If anything, it's a bigger part than the smallest official lead. Which means I still have a lot of work to do, yet can't mentally count myself as a lead. This causes much paranoia when I look around at everyone and wonder who is my competition come next year's show - I'm not a lead role, I'm not seen as a power player and so everyone around me is something of a threat for the next show, and it would really suck to peak in shows this year, where I'm not even allowed to think of myself as having been a lead once. Oh well. Some people have it worse than I.

I swear I'm not that cutthroat. It's more calculating. I'm the sort of person who is very happy for anyone else's successes, but is still very competitive. It's not a zero-sum game, but damn if I'm not trying to get everything I can.

Now, when you're in a school production of a musical and it is less than two weeks to opening night, you have intensive rehearsals every day. You've got shit to do, and goddamn it you are going to get it done. These rehearsals, for my school, take place half an hour after the last class.

And when you're almost a lead in your school production of a musical and you are working on an Eagle Scout project, you take any time you have to schedule meetings with whoever you need to see.

And when you need to begin the permitting process for your Eagle project, and all meetings in the past with the nicest woman you've ever had the pleasure to work with have taken roughly twenty minutes, you schedule them in the half hour block between class and rehearsals, figuring roughly six minutes for moving back and forth.

And when your Eagle project apparently goes through more wetlands than you intended and you need to not only get permits for working on town land, but also on wetland areas, as well as figure out a method to cheat both the permitting and the Eagle Scout application system so as to take advantage of a permit expiring in roughly a month and a half (the length it usually takes to get the Eagle proposal approved in the first place), you end up having a packet of papers roughly two inches thick which you need to learn how to fill out.

And when the nicest woman you've ever had the pleasure to work with insists on explaining every minuscule detail of the forms which are designed for the lowest common denominator to be able to understand, your meeting very quickly takes up much closer to an hour.

And when you are half an hour late for one of the (likely) six last rehearsals before your school production of a musical opens, your director gets very mad at you.

And when you are running on three hours of sleep (two of which you had your contacts in for) and your director (who is younger than some of your friends) is getting very mad at you, you get very snarky back.

And, on an unrelated note, when you are running on three hours of sleep, half an hour late to rehearsal, missing the vast majority of your props and attempting to either mediate or join a dramatic fight between two friends, messing up your solo song and main scene does not help anything.

It has not been a wonderful day.

And the stress here is that in my mind this is all my fault, because in reality this is all my fault. I should have expected the permitting process to have taken longer, should have waited until after the show to schedule the meeting, should have delayed the project work from April until September, should have done this last year, should have should have should have.

I am currently managing four separate projects and organizations while spending all my time either in school or at rehearsal. I am currently fighting with three different town government sections for three different projects. I am currently rushing everything to try and get it all done in April, because I have a busy-ass May and am only home for half of June. I currently am overloaded with shortcomings and wanting for victories.

Oh well. Some people have it worse than I.

I just complain louder.

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