I only feel like I'm
spinning out of control when I'm really just sitting here, in a chair, like humans are expected to. Even if I truly did lose it, there wouldn't be much else to do, unless I edged over into the illegal, robbed a bank or lit my home on fire. I want to scream and run, arms flailing, in no direction. I want to drive and drive and drive and just stop somewhere and start over.
Right now, I am feeling nothing of the sentiments that make being alive worthwhile. I am not feeling love or anger, joy or sadness. I am feeling nothing but confusion, anxiety, irritation and regret. It's as if I was standing in a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one even looks up.
And yet I know I can only work with what I have. You only get so much Play-Doh in life, so if you don't like what you've made, you can start over, but it's still just Play-Doh. I can only work with the location, setting, job, social circle, and present mental state. And yet, when I look out over it all, I see little that I would actually change. It's just not enough. I want more.