MILWAUKEE POLICE DEPARTMENT PRECINCT 5
INTERROGATION REPORT 5/3/2021
Prisoner: Cletus Caracara
Interrogating officer: Constable William Benson
Transcribing officer: Constable William Benson
WB: Start from where this incident began.
CC: It started when I thought about the previous altitude record for a bottle rocket, which was about a thousand feet. I realized that it went so high because they built the thing out of steel, so it was able to obtain a much greater internal pressure before blasting off.
WB: So you decided you wanted to...build a bottle rocket out of an empty tanker car?
CC: Yeah. I figured that those things are built even stronger than a simple steel tube, so if I stand that on end and fill THAT with air, I can create even greater air pressure inside, and it might...well I didn't expect it to actually take off very high, you know, fuel weight problem and all that --
WB: Fuel weight problem?
CC: Well maybe not fuel weight problem, the fuel for this launch weighs a hell of a lot less than the car itself but --
WB: And where exactly did you obtain this tanker car?
CC: Well I mean it was just sitting there.
WB: Sitting where?
CC: On the track.
WB: The track where?
CC: I don't know, down at the rail yard a few miles from downtown.
WB: Butler Yard?
CC: I don't know.
WB: Were you near the Walmart Supercenter?
CC: Pretty close, yeah.
WB: Butler Yard then. How exactly did you get the tanker car to Willow Springs?
CC: I picked it up.
WB: With what?
CC: My hands, duh. How do you pick things up?
WB: If they're heavy enough, a forklift, or perhaps a crane, or some form of heavy equipment. Who was your accomplice in this act?
WB: Who was your accomplice?
CC: I told you, nobody.
WB: I'm going to ask you one more time --
CC: Nobody, dummy! I picked the damn thing up! It was easy!
WB: We will return to that question later, and maybe then you'll feel less like joking around. Alright. So you got the tanker car out to Willow Springs...then what?
CC: Well, I sealed all the pressure valves and then I built a big old earthwork to stand it it on end and then I hooked it up to an air pump -- one of those really big strong ones, you know --
WB: I don't know.
CC: Well, I don't remember the brand name either, I just grabbed it from a machinery warehouse on the way. So I turned the power off like maybe an hour after the pressure gauge hit maximum, and then I realized, wait, do I have any sort of switch or button or something to launch this thing? Nope. So I figured alright, I was too hasty, better turn the handle here and release the air slowly and...that's why there are now a bunch of broken windows and damaged roofs and downed powerlines in Willow Springs.
WB: The arresting officer says you were claiming to have been blown all the way to the Milwaukee County Zoo.
CC: Well that's where I was found, yeah, and that's the first place I remember being after I turned the handle.
WB: Alright. So, getting back to the matter of who helped you --
At this point the interrogation is interrupted by a massive thud. On the video recording of the interrogation the room appears to shake at 10:05:05.
WB: What the fuck?
CC: Oh, I guess the tanker car didn't reach orbit after all. Well there you have it, officer. That's what I done and I'm real sorry about it. I guess I ought to spend a few nights in jail, eh?
WB: A few nights? A few fucking nights? Son, you have no idea how long you're going to be in for! So far you've described massive property damage, multiple counts of theft, unauthorized launch of a ballistic missile within a hundred miles of human habitation, disturbing the peace, and criminal negligence in the highest degree, and now you're adding bald-faced lying to a police officer! You still have that smug grin on your face! How do you think I could possibly believe that you just picked up and carried an entire tanker car?
CC: Well you didn't say anything about the earthwork neither so I figured you'd accepted the carrying part. Anyway, I think I ought to go take care of that tanker car. Better to have it in the dump than in the street, right?
WB: What do you mean 'go take care of'? You've been under arrest for the past forty minutes!
CC: Oh have I? You never did say. And you didn't say nothing about miranda rights neither. I guess I oughta have asked for a lawyer after all! But I'll just be going now.
At this point in the audio recording, the crunching and crumbling noise is of Cletus Caracara walking straight through the concrete wall. This can be seen on the video recording at 14:10:09, wherein Mr. Caracara does not appear to be impeded by the wall at all.
Suspect threat level: E
Last seen: Precinct 5 station
Notes: Suspect does not appear to harbor any malice, but neither does he appear to give much thought to human life until after he causes someone trouble. Handle with extreme caution at the greatest possible distance. Maximum force may be necessary but it may not be enough.