I'm a grown man and I still find myself wandering into the LEGO aisle of any given establishment.

On quite a few occasions, I've been approached by helpless adults with questions like, "I don't know what kind to get for my son/daughter/nephew/etc., how old is yours?"

They usually apologize profusely when I explain that I'm actually interested in them myself, and seem to feel as though they've just done the equivalent of slapping me in the face. It always makes me laugh, and I'm always glad to help regardless.

Most of the time they seem creeped out, but still take my suggestions.

I don't usually actually intend to buy anything, I just want to go look at it, especially if it's been more than a few months and I can be reasonably sure to see a new theme or at least a few new models. Sometimes I'll see something familiar, maybe an old-school model or maybe a resurrection of an old theme, or maybe something just vaguely resembling the results of one of the thousands of trips to the LEGO bin in my childhood.

If I'm waiting for someone else, someone who may be trying on sixty eight pairs of jeans, or shoes, I'll even pull them down off the shelves and read the boxes, like reading the back of a cereal box.

During one of these trips, I walked by a load of Harry Potter themed LEGO that consisted almost entirely of minifigs and very large, pre-formed chunks of scenery. I thought about a time when these vast (by LEGO standards) cave walls would not have been a vacuum formed monolith, but rather painstakingly constructed from hundreds of 1x1, 1x2, and 1x4 pieces, and likely would have featured some sort of laughably disguised secret passage.

I wrinkled my nose up in disgust, and another shopper, obviously much older than me, with a cart full of LEGO, said, "I know, right? But the grandkids still love 'em."

He noticed me eyeballing the contents of his cart and said, "For the grandkids. But, you know, when they aren't around I can play with them too."

I laughed and kept browsing while we talked about our favorite sets, most of them not in production anymore.

I guess finding a tub of old LEGO would be like finding your dad's stash of ancient porno mags - they're a little rough from use, the fashions are out of date, and you don't recognize any of the models, but there's still amusement to be had passing them around when your friends are over.

With the release of Fucking FUNgible! by Blockstackers Intergalactic (BSI) in 1979, the advent of Lego porn was quickly heralded as a new kind of porn. Lego porn was at first only experienceable by pornograph which would not become widely available on the home market until much later. Those looking to get their blocks off would frequent large adult toy stores where there were rooms showing all the different ways in which LEGOs could stack. For an extra fee, visitors could stack the blocks themselves (autoplay) which quickly became taboo as most preferred to simply watch the imaginations of professionals at work. There are currently four specific parks where individuals may engage in autoplay: the original in Billund, Denmark, the second in Windsor, England, the third in G├╝nzburg, Germany, the fourth in Carlsbad, California, and the fifth due to open in Florida in October of this year.

Most users of Lego porn begin with softcore before moving onto the harder stuff which is done at a closer anatomical scale. True one-to-one accuracy remains the holy grail of Lego porn. Hardcore Lego porn comes in two flavors: Technic and Mindstorms. Technic Lego porn includes simple machines like ropes and pulleys as well as some bondage. Mindstorms fully explores the master / slave relationship through the use of AI which actually directs the making of the Lego porn.

While the plot of each Lego porn has remained essentially static and uniform over the years, each has its own unique theme and scenario. Since the early days, thousands of different scenarios for Lego porn have been explored with a variety of themes, including town and city, space, robots, pirates, trains, Vikings, castle, dinosaurs, political office, undersea exploration, Batman, and wild west.

The quality of Lego porn has improved dramatically over the decades. In the beginning, blocks were made of wood but quickly moved on to plastic due to high transmission rates of splinters from rough play. Now there is a shift towards CGI with the release of LEGO: The Adventures of Clutch Powers. Critics deride the CGI as not having the same "feel" as plastic, which continues to be popular amongst purists. Many have hailed Michel Gondry's representation of the White Stripes performing their hit Fell in Love with a Girl as a crowning achievement in Lego porn.

BSI continued making Lego porn until 2007 when lawsuits over the long controversial Duplo porn forced the company to file for bankruptcy. Since then Lego porn has continued gonzo style, created by passionate individuals dedicated to preserving this unique art. Lego porn may still be found in some stores although most people have come to rely on the internet for their fix.


source:
LEGO Wiki
theory

Saturday morning in the madhouse is a special thing. Rolling off of the cot in the hall, I can hear Friday night's party winding down on the second floor. Uppers are a crazy thing. Living in six square meters at the end of a hall on the third floor of a stupidly crowded semi-Victorian near campus has both its benefits and its problems. It's just after the end of daylight savings time so the sun is up an hour earlier. Waking with the sun, I get to the shower on the third floor first, for once. It's a Saturday, so no banana breakfasts for anyone. Saturday tends to be a recovery day: Friday's partiers are too worn out for anything, and it's too early to get tonight's party started. Hence, it is project day at Chateau Shit-show. So I head downstairs to find out what there is to eat today.

I'm greeted by the smell of hot plastic when I reach the first floor (The less said about the smells on the second floor, the better). Eric appears to be injection-molding something from yellow plastic on (gasp) the dinner table. JD must not be here, or he must have given up on the clear-surface rule. I heat up some beans and find some cheez-its, and begin to eat the former using the latter as scoops. Shawn, twin to Kevin, appears with a camera and sets up a white backdrop a few places down from Eric's workstation. I abandon my beany delight to the tender mercies of the first floor and head upstairs to retrieve my instrument case.

When I get back down, sticker-encrusted case in hand, the Three Stooges are cavorting on the TV and Eric and Shawn are cracking up at the table. "What's so funny?" I ask, and Eric just points. I lean in to look at the little photo studio, and am floored. "How did you make 'anatomically correct' ", here deploying finger quotes "LEGO minifigs?" Shawn's face falls, disappointed that I haven't asked the obvious question. "Custom molds, made with a CAD/CAM program." Eric elucidates. These guys.

Log in or register to write something here or to contact authors.