This is a passage taken from the diary of the Heian era
author, Lady Murasaki Shikibu
. For greater biographical information, just click the hard link.
My translation is unpolished but I hope it will do.
"In any event, I shall now set aside my former reliance upon prayers and fasting. I shall simply fervently chant the invocation to Amitabha Buddha
(nembutsu). I no longer feel the slightest attachment to the odious things of the world, yet doubtless I shall vacillate
until I ascend to the clouds. Thus, I hesitate.
"I am nearing the right age for taking (nun's) vows, and if I grow much older there will be nothing unusual about my not reading sacred texts. My mind just becomes more and more alive.
"I seem to be imitating some really devout person but the truth is that I really do think of nothing save my devotions.
"It is not a certainty that someone like myself, with the stains of my previous lives (sukuse) could ever really become a nun..."
Murasaki Shikibu Nikki, approximately 1100.