Killing A Vampire: A Cross-Cultural Survey of Methodology

These data are drawn from a table created by Cecil Adams, who is the world's smartest human being and author of The Straight Dope. Out of respect for his awesome intellect and the rules of fair use, I will only give an excerpt from his research. For more information, see chapter 3 of his first book, or at least send him a bale of money.

Preferred Method of Disposal

Albania = Stake through heart

Bulgaria = Chain to grave with wild roses

Macedonia = Pour boiling oil on, drive nail through navel

Prussia = Put poppy seeds in grave

Rumania = Remove heart, cut in two; garlic in mouth, nail in head

Saxony = Lemon in mouth

With all due respect, putting seeds in the grave (I didn't know it had to be poppy seeds, just something unfeasably numerous and un-countable), wasn't to kill a vamp, simply to keep him occupied counting 'til the end of days. You ever wonder why they had the counting Count on Sesame Street? Old folklore. I swear I am not making this up.

In Chinese mythology, vampires (not exactly the kind you'll find in gothic tradition, in fact more like zombies) are "killed" by placing a blessed strip of paper upon their forehead.

This paper is known as a "fu", which means "good luck" in Mandarin. It is typically yellow in colour, with black words written on it by some powerful Taoist priest. Apparently it is supposed to supress the evil spirit within the vampire and prevent it from moving; the vampire is put into a state of suspended animation until the "fu" is removed.

Of course, appropriate exposure to holy artifacts such as very large pieces of cloth with the word "Tao"(Dao) written all over them works as well, but methinks old Chinese films do not make the most reliable source of information.

Oh, sticky rice (often known as glutinous rice or nuo mi) works too. And if you can't get your hands on any proper vampire-killing equipment, there's always the ever-useful Ultimate Bazooka of Thermonuclear Apocalypse.

There is more information in the node about Chinese Hopping Vampires.

There are a significant number of vampire-killing cultures which have been left out of this node: at any rate, living in Romania as I do, I can tell you that most Vampires have gotten sick of being photographed by tourists (and getting bad sunburn from all the flashbulbs) and have either taken jobs working on construction sites in Tel Aviv or are busking the Paris metro. Luckily, the Institute for Cross Cultural Vampire Annihilation was one of the few institutes to survive the 1989 revolution. From my friend there, Professor Ion Dragomir:

GREECE The preferred method is to force Vampires to dance to a Syrtaki in a circle for several hours until the vampire becomes dizzy. The vampire is then pushed of a cliff, and a large plastic Neptune is thrown upside down onto the vampires chest, piercing its black heart. Alternatively, Vampires have been known to commit suicide from the shame of being convinced to buy shares in a time share in an apartment block off Rhodes. Still more skillfull is arranging for the vampire to be sold into Debt Slavery in Haiti after losing all its money in an internet stock speculation on the Athens Stock Exchange

THAILAND Vampires are generally given several puffs of good hashish and then fed three cups of snake's blood our of the anus of a local transvestite. When photos of this are sent to the vampire's friends and relatives back home, the vampire usually dies of shame.

ISRAEL Three Hasidic jews, a Palestinian, two Right-wing settlers, a Druse and Peacenik engage in a discussion about the merits and demerits of the two state solution. The vampire is constantly used as a referree between the arguing parties until it goes to the green line and throws itself on a land mine.

CHINA A banquet is held in a Cantonese restaurant to celebrate a new Joint Venture between the Vampire's Coven and the PLA to supply prisoner's blood to the coven through a holding company in Switzerland. Throughout the dinner, the Vampire is toasted with Rice Wine but the Chinese associates are secretly served water. The Vampire dies of Alcohol poisoning.

DISNEY WORLD Out of respect to the children who might access this site, we will not report what happens to the poor, poor vampire who falls into the hands of the Disney corporation.