The "Killer Whale Tank" monologue is a slightly famous little story/rant/monologue interjected by lead singer Gord Downie of The Tragically Hip into a performance of their song "New Orleans is Sinkin' some years back. The song itself can be found on MP3's and bootlegs, but here's the spoken text, as well as I could understand it:
I had a job before this, I had a job before this, ultimately it was that job that drove me into this, I worked at an aquarium, an aquarium with lots of money from the government, so it was HUGE! I uh, I was uh, a clean and scrub man, we called each other, in the C and S union, I scrubbed the inside of the...the killer whale tank. And after a while the boys in the C and S- clean and scrub- we just sort of made it one word: the killerwhaletank. The killerwhaletank- uh! The killerwhale tank- oom! I'm going into the killerwhaletank. (Insert some various bizarre noises here)
I'd get into the tank with these two big beasts, and I got along with them so well, it was like they knew me, they looked at me with their hundred-year-old eyes, and it was like they knew me. I'd put on my scuba gear, my mask, my regulator, ( almost comically dramatic inhale ) and I'd fall into the tank with nary a sound, maybe a fffthpt , and then I was underwater. (Insert random underwater noises.)
Sometimes, I'd jump out, right in front of the window. Now when people are expecting a killer whale, and they see a human, they get spooked. SPOOKED!
Anyway I'd do that. Well I was, I was in the water this particular day, unbeknownst to me, Shamu and Batholemu, their relationship had gone stale. Seems I was goin' in there so much, and I was lookin' so good, Shamu took a shining to me. And they're so smart, you know, they've got all these human emotions. Love, lust, green, hundred-year-old-eyed jealousy! Bartholemu was LIVID! Unbeknownst to me- I can't hear a goddamn thing underwater!
He came up, he was bumping against me a lot. A stale killer whale, bumping against someone so pale and frail...how was I to know the killer whale relationship had gone stale? Well...he brushes up to me a couple times, his skin's like sandpaper I say: "Hey man, Bartholemu, what's up? What's wrong? What's goin' on, big fella? What is it? What is it? I don' wanna steal your mommy, and I sure don' wanna take the place of your daddy. I only wanna be your friend."
And...and...he circled around, and I thought we were all patched up, and...and I was scrubbing...and he took my...and he...and he...he came right and he...he...he ripped my left arm off. I mean...he...the killer whale, they're the beast of the deep, mean they're, they're quite docile, they're quite friendly in captivity, but somewhere along the line, thousands of years of breeding, it just snapped and he took my left arm, he took my left arm, he took my fucking left arm . What's, what is it, Bartholemu? I spoke to him in a language he could understand as I came back, (insert whalesque noises, something like: wooo-oooo, wooo-oooo, oo-oo , plus some high-pitched squeaks and chirps.)
Next comes an orgy of guitars and then the song continues.