Sometimes I think that I take too many vitamins so yesterday I took a break from them. Looking back I don't think that was a very wise decision. Today my eyes are gritty, last night they were so sore I had trouble sleeping although part of that was my lower back. Whatever I did to it made it very unhappy so it would throb every sixty seconds or so. I'm in a better frame of mind than I was yesterday. One of the things the vitamins do is help regulate my moods. Consequently I'm not nearly as upset and angry as I was yesterday. I really don't feel like writing today, but I need structure in my life and right now this is a part of my daily routine. I took a bath with Epsom salts, rosemary, and eucalyptus, but forgot the oil of clove that makes the combination even better. It's very quiet at home. There are times when I enjoy the peace and tranquility and times when I really miss the girls. I worry about them not taking their vitamins and try not to get too upset with him for not making vitamins that their doctor recommended a much higher priority.
I volunteered to help at church today. After that a friend of mine is scheduled to call. We were supposed to chat yesterday, but both of us forgot so we rescheduled for today. I didn't want to be home alone last night so I drove out to see my sister and brother-in-law. I made some foolish purchases yesterday and learned something I didn't know about myself. I have a tendency to shop when I'm looking for a way to get out of the house when I'm in a rotten mood. I'm going to work toward getting my own place. It seems a very far distance to go, but I thought about this as I drove home last night and realized that I've been doing a lot of the things that I should be and I need to be more patient when it takes time to get results. I need to clean out my refrigerator which is a chore I had asked the girls to do before they left. I need to get better about assigning tasks and making sure that they get completed before people move on to the next thing.
Tomorrow the girls are going to Great America and I'm kind of nervous about that. I know they cheat on gluten when I'm not around and I worry about them being out in the sun all day without enough water since neither of them hardly drinks any. They're typically exhausted after a day like that and I just worry about them and their health which is something I have to let go of since there isn't anything I can do when they're with him, by themselves, or with other people. I wish I wouldn't have agreed to volunteer yesterday, but I did so that's another learning lesson. I was anxious and wanted to be helpful, I think on some level I felt bad for not helping, but I didn't offer for the right reasons so now I'm kind of mad at myself for that. Sometimes I ask people what would help or what they need. I've been thinking about what would help me or I need and I think it's a combination of things so I put together a list to reflect upon later.
1. Love and support.
2. Forgiveness and recognition.
3. New hobbies and interests.
4. Local friends I can hang out with in real life.
6. A better plan and more plans for different areas of my life; personal, professional, etc...
7. A way to talk to and about him that isn't so venonmous and/or hopeless.
9. Appreciation for what's behind me and how far I've come so far.
10. A better reward system.
These are just a few ideas. I would also like to be more active and be able to do more things around the house. I need him to either do these things himself or hire someone else to do them for him. It really bothers me and I don't think it's really good for anyone to live in a house with so many unfinished projects. I think this is bothering him on a level he may not recognize, and if it doesn't, it should. Unfinished projects and business tends to lurk at the back of a mind and create anxiety. Completing tasks, especially old and difficult ones builds self esteem and gives people a sense of accomplishment they may have been lacking before. It's possible to be very responsible and accountable in one area of your life while letting others go. I've struggled with this in the past and still have many areas to work on today, but that's life and today I'm glad that I'm alive and have the friends and family that I do.
P.S. It was very encouraging to see so many daylogs yesterday. Thanks to all who contributed their stories.