Continued from July 7, 2012:
Woke up early after going to bed late and seeing the clock at quarter past
three. I can't seem to stop thinking about my daughter. I've had
several dreams about her or about things related to her. Last night I
dreamt that I had a cold IV in my arm, her forehead was cool when I went
to check on her which was an immense relief. After I made sure that she
was okay I went to sleep on the couch. I didn't think I'd get much
sleep but fortunately, I don't remember much after getting settled in
there. A lot of things are frustrating me right now. Some of them I need
to let go while others I need to formulate a plan for dealing with
them. Today I want to take the girls to church, figure out how if my
daughter is going to be up for summer school tomorrow and I need some
sort of game plan for dealing with her food and meds so we're not
confined to the house for the rest of the summer.
Right now the house is a disaster, there's an underlying element of
disorganization that I loathe. This stems from two people with separate
agendas trying to exert power and control and being unable to relinquish
what their vision of 'right' is. Last night I stayed up way too late.
Normally I'm more of a morning person but this one has not been great so
far. My youngest threw a tantrum at breakfast, I know this comes with
the turf but I am so tired of dealing with her attitude. I told her she
could come back for breakfast when she was ready to stop being so
sullen. When Jill was in the hospital my husband spent most nights with
her. That saved my back but he doesn't think combing hair ought to be a
daily activity so Jill's hair was a mess of snarls that my sister helped
untangle. As long as the girls keep their hair groomed I am willing to
let them have longer hair. Next time we go in I think Jill is going to
have to get a more managable cut since I get really sick of listening to
her cry when we have to untangle her curls after
she's neglected them.
A couple people have been very influential and motivational. They've
reminded me that there isn't ever going to be a good time where you
don't feel tired or overwhelmed by what is going on in your life so you
might as well do some of the things you've been putting off for a while.
Last night I did the dishes, I've been serving a lot of fruit since
it's easy and something Jill will nibble on if I put it out. She ate a
turkey wrap last night and so far has had a few bites of watermelon.
Trying not to worry is futile but it does help me to know that she is
eating something and I'm doing what I can to help her situation. My back
is really sore today. Here's to hoping that a session with my yoga
DVD is what it needs next.