how did it feel?
      when the blade went in

        all shiny and sharp and cold

did you enjoy? the wet slapping thud
      driving in to the hilt
          driving home

              did you feel? a shiver
                       in your hand and
                                up your arm and
                                         into your heart

I did

I giggled when I looked down
                                       and saw
           silly girl, so out of place

I felt nothing
             no   thing
                    when I loosed your dagger from its
prison of flesh

I only heard
my blood
pounding in my head
sloshing in my shoes
squishing between my toes
                                        so far below

I really don't know what will come of this day log, it's just my time to relieve some stress from interacting with people I barely know. It's not my fault, we are that kind of family, getting together only for funerals. A family reunion for us must have a dead body. The marriage of two souls doesn't get the same turn out as the death of one. I swear that my family has unhealthy attraction with death. We all are secretly wishing death will come to take us next. But then again that might just be me. It's difficult to face the days that sit before us numbered. Me, I've used up 8,400 days already.

When we buried my great uncle you could tell that a warm, loving, caring man had just left the family. Everybody tried hard at keeping their tears back and dammed up, but I heard the silence through the chatter. I observed the people I share my name with, only to come and find out, that is the only thing we share in common. Well, I do share the rare honor with my oldest and youngest uncle of being a prick. Self-absorbed, arrogant assholes, so proudly we are. I might be the only arrogant one, but that's how I roll. We are all hypocrites at one time or another, why not come clean and admit it.

While drifting back and forth between being in a conversation and isolated, I had almost an ephinany on why remembering names was important, for them to know mine and not to know theirs, meant they had no importance in my life up to this point. But, now I am finding these people to be very important, for one reason or another. So, after I noticed every greeting they include the person's name in which they greeted, I realised this shows that person a small degree of respect by taking time to remember their name.

Our time will come one day, and 'we' will be called upon by name.

Other than that I was pissed at both my oldest and youngest uncles, they moved a way along time ago and started acting better than everyone. Now when they're back in town, it's like we are blessed with the pleasure of their company, self-absorbed just starts to describe us. The three of us are strong-minded, leaders as was my great uncle. The youngest is just starting a family while the oldest is settling down again after raising two girls. They are both devoted to their families and wives, but were absent in my life almost altogether. I've never had a constant father figure as I said before, and as a result I never ran the straight and narrow, unlike these two uncles did with their dad. So still to this day, I still do not have proof that I have had a formal education, except for the five years of mediocre grades on my highschool transcript; so when asked what I was doing in life, I responded "living". That comment might of been too soon, we did just put a box of ashes in a wall.

I don't regret not seeing my great uncle one last time while he was in the hospital, but I do really regret not seeing him more while he still had his health. His last month on Earth, he lost over a hundred pounds and was not the man I grew to know.

He lived to the ripe age of 81, with many children, and grandchildren by whom he is survived.

So why do I sit here writing this, I want you guys to keep in contact with your whole family. The extended and all those families you don't see everyday. Send them a card, call them. It's not necessary to physically visit these people. Take your soul off autopilot, take time to soak everything in, you will be amazed. There is this saying that goes, "you must die before you'll be missed". I know it's true in some cases, but it doesn't make it right.

June 29, 2008 | January 8, 2009

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