Hello. My name is Mildred Patterson and I play bingo at the Fervent Rest Home where I am currently living. I will not always be writing to you, because of my arthritis, but I assure you that I will be thinking of you in my prayers and hoping The Lord saves you from the debauchery of your fast living music video lifestyles.
Paul, our activities director here at the rest home suggested that we have a look see at this everything website because he said it was a good example of young people doing good by the world. Frankly, most of us were appalled by articles on toilets and playing with yourself and hating the president. For shame! Yes, there are some nice articles on cooking and gardening, but this is ruined by a horrible proliferation of articles about getting milk from a barren woman's breasts. For shame! If The Lord wanted you to lactate, The Lord would make you lactate. Throw your breast pumps and other devices of Satan's making away and shun those who promote them. Accept your place in this world and stop complaining, for you are young and The Lord shines a light on you if you deserve it and puts a rotten plum from the tree of evil in your mouth like a stuck pig if you do not!
Often when we are playing bingo in the basement of the rest home we will discuss the horrible examples of young people we see in the public eye. For shame! Listening to loud punk rock with their big pants hanging down so that people can see their undergarments. For shame! Pull your pants up and go to church while there is still time. You are being led astray by tattoo parlors and motorcycle mammas with cleavage hanging to and fro. For shame! Save yourselves while there is still time. Do something wholesome with your evenings. Don't go out smoking dope and throwing wadded up wet toilet paper at cars. Play Battleship or Payday at home with children and teach them the responsibility of a paycheck. The Lord awaits a portion of your paycheck each week and so you will go to church to satisfy The Lord with Thanksgiving.
Robert, another of our bingo faithful, has another suggestion. Cut your hair and get rid of that stupid beard, you dumb kids. Show respect for your elders and for your flag. If you are a boy, find a nice Christian girl and get married before you make love, and if you are a girl, find a nice Christian boy. No more boys with boys and girls with girls. Read the book of Corinthians if you don't believe me. There is something in there that will wake you up to the wrong you are doing. Straighten up and fly right!
We'll be checking on you and writing some articles on World War II soon. Blessed are they that can take a flower and see its beauty without turning rock and roll music on.