July 28, 2005

This journey of life is a funny thing. The way life swirls around us and moves us forward never fails to amaze me. A simple series of events a few years ago has turned into a waterfall of change. Time has continued to march forward for us all.

A few weeks ago, our family visited us. It was good as always. My biggest regret is that Chad and I were so busy cooking, feeding, coordinating, etc., that we had little time to actually sit down and enjoy ourselves. But, I have to feel that it was all worth it since so many people thanked us. The bad news is that I can pretty much guarantee that it will be the last time we host a gathering of that magnitude. Which brings me on to my next item.

As some of you already know, Chad and I received some good news the day before the gathering. Yes, the rumors are true, noders are reproducing. Chad and I are expecting a nodelet, due March 8, 2006.

After receiving this momentous news, I’ve spent a lot of time reading various bulletin boards, and I’ve found out that the women that frequent these boards are hormonally crazed women who are mostly stay at home moms, who think that pregnancy and motherhood grants them goddess status. I have no connection with these women. Perhaps the tomboy in me, the one that would rather talk about how we’re going to frame-in our loft and somehow build a baby’s room, overwhelms the delicate flower worship-me-I’m-pregnant part. I’m glad it does.

Yesterday, Chad and I went for our first real ob/gyn appointment for the pregnancy. I’m officially eight weeks pregnant, and our estimated delivery date was accurate for the size of the developing embryo. The best part was getting to see the little heart beating away inside its body.

Life continues on. We’ll work, study, play and move through our days. We’re still on this journey.

So it is finally here. After nearly a decade of begging, screaming, ranting, threatening and mindless resorting to every know trick in the "Ultimate Guide to getting Stuff out of your parents !!", I finally get my own computer. Rather surprising, considering the fact that by now I am a second year college student majoring in Computer Science.

All these years of hard-work, perseverance and a never-say-die attitude have finally resulted in this silicon etched plastic ensconced in a sleek silver body that I now have sitting before me.

And then suddenly from deep within the fear rises. What do I do next ??
What if I am not good enough and never actually make it in a field which so long I believed to be my one and only true calling ?
What happens if I too slip into obscurity much like the million others before me ?
And what of the expectations that they all have from me ?

These thoughts, they pervade every inch of my senses from morn to night. Is damnation mine forever or is there still hope in this seemingly eternal void.

Summer vacation: I feel like if I don't do something with it, it's a waste of all this time where I don't have to do anything. So I stay up until 3am thinking about doing something, wake up at noon, and never get anything done.

I'm absolutely sick of being without credit. Here I am, one month into a new job (worked 9 months at the last one). Not a single flipping PIECE of credit. My credit report has absolutely zero on it, yet I make a substantial income (for a 20 year old anyway), have NO bills, NO debts, yada yada.

I'm told everywhere I go that I need a cosigner first, gotta have a cosigner. That's just the thing, I don't know ANYONE who would be willing to sign with me that is even remotely credit worthy!

This feels like an endless cycle of bullshit; you can't get credit without credit, and nobody wants to give credit to someone who is young, with a (fairly) secure job, and no credit.

I don't know what to do, I've got to make some major purchases in the near future (brakes, rotors, and new wheels+tires for my car) but I've got no credit to get anywhere with it, and I can't pay cash. Not without being broke for two weeks between checks.

department store cards? Hah! why get the card if I'll never use it? I don't ever go to JC Penny or goldsmiths or whatever else is in my area (not much). Besides, I DOUBT VERY SERIOUSLY they'd give me a card either.

gasoline card? I looked at speedpass but they want to TIE it with your checking account to make deductions, and that won't help your credit because when it's tied with your credit account, they're not lending you any money!

Woe is me.