In vino veritas

One of the things I was worried about, this time last week, was the possible presence of cell phone cameras in the recovery room. Some people visit relatives therein, and the last thing I wanted was "look at this fool" showing up on YouTube. I was assured that would PROBABLY not happen. The nursing staff assured me they wouldn't bat an eyelid at anything I said, but that wasn't my concern.

I've seen enough "so and so came out of anaesthesia and said dopey stuff" videos thereon that it gave me pause. Atlanta is Atlanta, after all. And I've been really weird and loopy after being concussed, so I was a bit concerned about what I'd say under the influence.

But part of me was curious to see what I would say under the influence, you know?

Before I went in to the OR, waiting around for more critical patients to be seen - they nailed me pretty ragged with a whole host of opiates, and I vaguely remember staring at the wall for a few hours until remembering I had a TV.

When I came to I was amazed that the phone was in my hand, there were two glasses of ice water by my other hand, I had two extra blankets and there was an extra phone number on the wall.

I sort of remember the conversation:

I was still obviously completely off my gourd and watching Maury Povich - and it was a typical Maury show: Two insanely ratchet people on the screen, Central Casting scrubs.

"Dat cain't be ma bebbeh, I doan make no sick babies!" "I'm fi, six, sebben passent sure that yo baby, you pull out dat card say he de fawther and ah mo get ma dance on." (I'm writing it this way to make a point. I'm trying to give you the full effect of the people we're talking about. Neck tattoos, the works - they couldn't more be poster children for white flight sorry, "Why i'm moving to a better district, because after all it's important to Send Your Kids To Good Schools"). 

One of the nurses came in. She noted with some amusement I was watching the overweight, swivel-headed baby mama drama on the screen. 

Making conversation: "Enjoying that?"

Me: "No, I'm fucking disgusted." 

Her: "Oh?"

Me: "They go out and search far and wide to cast folks like this. They find them and put them on TV. To try to make people people like ME, think that people like YOU, are like people like THEM."

It wasn't even her floor. She'd been doing the rounds on behalf of someone else due to them being busy. But she had apparently done literally everything she could think to do, following up by adding her pager number to the list of contacts on the wall.

I'm not saying this for brownie points from anyone. I'm just glad that in vino veritas, and I'm a bit choked up at my veritas.

Yesterday my youngest made my bed for me. I had to smile when I saw it. She had layered the bedding so I had enough to keep me warm through a howling snowstorm. I left it on just because I love her and the effort she put into making my bed after we were done snuggling. She had wanted to get up early and go to church, but she fell back asleep in my bed. I wish I would have taken a picture of her swaddled up in bedding like that, but when I went to grab my phone I got distracted. The house is pretty clean today. The girls and I put a lot of effort into it and I'm pleased with the results. The tile guy is over. My ex isn't answering my calls and texts so I told the contractor to go ahead and redo the wiring that isn't up to and shouldn't have been done that way in the first place. I don't know who did it that way, but that's what can happen when you don't hire a professional to do things. I'm sure we have other things in the house like that, but for now none of those are my problem.

I did a few yoga poses yesterday, subsequently I'm really feeling them today, but it's mostly a good kind of sore. Today I'm taking the step back that I'm always telling myself I need. Things will get done or they won't get done. For now I can stand here and point to things I've done, check them off the master list I have in my head, and notice progress. I made a blueberry banana smoothie for breakfast. Life is better when I eat well. Jill wanted to take the cornmeal to the condo so I let her. Friday afternoon the fire station called to get more paperwork from me. I have to pass a background check, I think I will, I've passed two before, but this one digs deeper. It's out of my hands so I can't worry about it. The fact that they invited me back to sign more forms is a positive in my book. It's weird to think that I could be embarking on a new career path soon. I asked my ex about the weights. He said he would bring them back. He didn't though. It's not a big deal, I'm counting on him for fewer and fewer things and that makes me happy. I was thinking about this the other day, how so many women get the gold digger label. Speaking for myself it's what happens when women settle.

They want money and things because that's what they've learned they can try to get out of a partner. Gone are the days when they felt like a partner was someone they could trust and listen to and share their thoughts with, cash speaks a different kind of language and I think many of us try to make light of what we're not getting by pointing at what we do have. Well, we say to ourselves, at least he doesn't drink. Maybe he works too many hours, but at least he's not cheating on me. Shit, he is cheating on me? Well, I guess I'm the type of person who deserves that, after all, I haven't been the best partner either. You wear yourself down, you question you self worth, meanwhile they keep withdrawing and you become more alienated and lonelier than ever. You can try to exercise or do things around the house. We all have our coping mechanisms. I turned to the computer and social networks for companionships. Maybe others try to justify their needs not being met. She's on the computer all the time, but at least she {fill in the blank}. 

A plant of mine is not doing well. It's dropping leaves like crazy, there are two plants in that pot and neither is as lush or as green as I know that plant can be. I don't know what I did or didn't do, but I suspect a lack of water and too much sun after I put it outside to see if lack of light was the problem. Now that plant may die and as its caretaker, I will be responsible for its death. I didn't mean to hurt it like this. I thought I was taking care of it, but I didn't give it enough water since I have a tendency to give plants too much rather than not enough. Knowing what a plant needs is critical if you want them to thrive. Like a plant, I didn't know how to take care of myself or other people in my life. I'm so thankful that I keep buying self help books because I have changed. It hasn't been easy and I haven't given myself enough credit in these areas. I'm doing a lot more to take care of me and now that I think about how often I let others push me around and allowed negative thoughts to choke out my innate positivity, I'm marveling more at who I am today. And all because I decided I was going to change even if no one else around me does. I'm The Little Engine That Could and you can be too. "I think I can, I think I can..."

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