Things I've been meaning to share with you about parenting but haven't had the time

* the baby is still alive, one year plus, and is much more like a human than a pooping sausage that can cry. This is good. For reasons that are presently unclear we went ahead and made another. So we are back in the pooping sausage zone, but with added toddler.

* If it makes you feel better to talk about a leaky nappy as "a breach in the containment system", by all means do so. I If you feel a trail of shit on the furniture may cause you disabling mental stress, parenting is not for you.

* Picture the scene: changing a nappy, baby on its back on the change table, gurgling happily and kicking its little legs. Got it? Good. Among other unexpected places, you will have to check the backs of their little heels for transferred poop. Make a habit of holding both ankles in the air with one hand while decontaminating with the other.

* If you put your groin where a baby can kick it, it's your own fault. Unfortunately change tables are the perfect height for this. This is also a downside of co-sleeping. Babies will also go for the eyes.

* Offer toddlers a choice; this gives them the illusion of control and freedom and avoids direct opposition. Both choices should only offer different routes to your goal. See also: Machiavellian parenting.

* Never wait for a toddler to make a choice; while you are waiting, the cat will have come in and out several times and the toddler will have discovered an option C. ("Godot" is "Toddler" backwards.)

Crying in the distance. Something has awoken. I must leave you all now. Think carefully before choosing this path...

(also inspiring:

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