Ladies, I think that as we get closer to our promised intimacy (you and me together naked in a setting), it is important to get to know each other's feelings. Why don't you open up to me and share everything with me? Why not do that now? I will not harm you, and in return for a uncancellable check for $70,000 sent to my presidential campaign in care of general delivery at the Utica post office I will listen to your feelings and then I will exploit what you have shared with me in order to lure you to my cabin in the woods outside of Utica. There you will be locked in a one room cabin with no indoor plumbing with three older men. It will be the best thing that ever happened to you from my perspective. You will survive, but be changed. Jet those checks off today for this service to be rendered unto you.
What else is new? Since the boys ran off with my quantum time accelerator facility, I have had to concentrate full time on my presidential campaign. As you know, I intend to campaign against former hero Donald Trump for the Republican primary. I will win because I am stronger in my convictions. I will have camps built for work, breeding, and feed production. Livestock trucks will run day and night picking up idle people (or people who appear to not be working at the moment we drive past) and force them in the back of these trucks with exactly 99 other people in a truck that is maybe capable of having twenty people in it. These will be lost souls. There will be nothing left of them. They will have not a shred of dignity left, so they can be packed more tightly. This is a major plank of my presidential platform. Jet a check off today and go on local news and talk about me and my plans and how you support them with full-throated enthusiasm. Tevo that business and show it to colleagues at your place of business. Show them your ass, literally and in this way. Pull down your pants at work. Genitals in the boss' face is a good idea. Don't listen to the fake news media that tells you it is wrong to make a co-worker sniff at your crotch while you are wearing nothing but a less than clean bathrobe to work. This is the workplace of the future if you survive the camps. The camps will be harsh. You will learn new things there like how to work and how to have a work ethic and pull yourself up by your bootstraps, and you will have to because guards will be paid to kick you in the head as hard as they can with a steel toed boot every night before you start your next 24 hour long shift. A good three or four kicks will set any man right, along with showing him looped video of his wife in the cement mixer process I have developed for the breeding pits where she will be limbless and prone to rapid fire insertions from the other limbless rejects in the breeding pits. My will be done.
There has been an ostrich in the woods around the cabin of late. This special is not native to this area so it may be an omen. Pray to the demon gods of yore and we may still be delivered. Otherwise, the plan goes into action. You know it is the only way. You know.
The other thing I've been meaning to ask you is this: Do you want to end up being the kind of dipshit that lives in a one room downtown apartment partying with your "broskis" (Internet kiddie term) into your 60s? If not, get into the world of sales and business today. You can make deals on the side in almost all situations. I will sell you a starter's kit. You can begin to be a businessman today.
I would really like to make you chop wood for me. I would pick a really sweltering summer day and put you out there with an axe and make you chop for sixteen hours straight with no breaks, just chop after chop. I would sit there with a shotgun across my lap, loaded of course. This we could do together to make the bond of friendship between us stronger. If you come at me with that axe, I promize you the handle end will be all the way up inside you before the night is over. I am that serious about this and other things. Very serious. You will come over soon. Cabin in the woods. Utica. Soon. Together.
After that, when I tire of your companionship and wish to end our mutinous friendship, I will bring you to a factory where no safety regulations are observed or followed. You will be made to work with heavy machinery with no safety practices being followed twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week, with only a piece of stale bread and reconstituted piss to keep you alive. No breaks and no days off. And you will have a fractured skull. This is the ultimate test of your manhood. Are you up to the task. Send $70,000 today to receive this service package.
The other thing I've been meaning to ask you is, quite seriously, how major of a blow to the head do you think you could sustain and still move around and do simple tasks? What I want is to make you obedient by rendering skull crushing blows to your head with a heavy object like a bat or metal pipe. I want to do it really hard as soon as you walk in the door. Then, I want to push you up against the wall and continue hitting you in the head with the pipe while reminding you that I do this to solidify the foundation of our friendship. I will have such a smile on my face as you look at me with horror while I pull away the hands you have put up in front of your face to ward off the blows I will deliver to you head with this pipe or bat. I am in the woods. Come find me. This will be life changing for you. I will have a hobbled manservant. You will have no more free will only obedience like a broken dog. I think with a skull fracture you'll be okay. It will not be treated. Not a chance, sorry friend.
My friends.