I didn't write a daylog yesterday and I'm not really sure why. I kind of knew I wouldn't right away when I woke up, I felt rebellious, like I was going to show somebody something if I didn't. On top of that I stayed up until four in the morning because I couldn't sleep. Todaay is Jane's birthday. Yesterday I make her prepare some chicken breasts for supper. We had tacos for lunch. She asked if I would help her with the meat so I did, we seasoned it and the girls thought it was very good. I thought it wasn't bad, but could have used garlic. After lunch I asked the girls to put away the food and do the dishes. They did a half assed job in the kitchen, leaving the dishes unwashed and the meat sitting out in a pan. I didn't say anything, but after we went to the chiropractor I went to the store and bought some ice cream bars. They were on sale, hte girls asked if they could have one and I said that ice cream bars were for people who had put away the food and cleaned up the kitchen after dishes. They pouted about it, but Jane got right on the dishes when we got home. Jill was playing with the chicken breasts and putting them near Jane and in her hair. I think raw meat is kind of gross, but she was getting into it and massaging it with her fingers.
Jane was whining and crying about having to make chicken. She wanted me to do it for her and laid on the couch crying when I said I would help, but not until she demonstrated a better effort than she had been. Eventually the chicken got made and it actually turned out well. My fears were that she would leave it out so long it would go bad or ruin it trying to make whatever recipe she found. She didn't even want to Google a recipe and in the back of my mind I was thinking, geez kid, how lazy can you be that you can't sit on your iPad that you're alreaady on for hours a day and look up a freaking recipe for boneless skinless chicken breasts? It's really hard being a parent and it's even harder when you've let your kids run roughshod over you and then try to stand up for yourself. Virtually anything I ask them to do goes undone, is done with a minimum of effort and a maximum of complaining, and the immaturity levels can be stunning such as when we went to the chiropractor and Jill was interrupting a chiropractor we had never seen before. Since the girls were in an auto accident there was extra paperwork to complete. Some of it my ex will have to complete, I'm not looking forward to handing that over to him and I'm frustrated since our insurance hasn't been covering chiropractor visits for some reason.
When I was married he acted a lot like the girls. He would do certain things and not others. I'm still waiting for my desk and bookcase and unless I find a way to get them myself, he's going to keep them. Life is very unfair feeling right now. I know I'm being ungrateful and not focusing on the positives, but I'm stressed out and overwhelmed by the monumental tasks that accompany an irresponsible ex and kids that are following in our footsteps. I got a lot of writiing done. I've been binging on that to the exclusion of other things although the house has stayed relatively clean. The girls FaceTime my ex and his girlfriend. That bugs me, but I don't say anything about it. They were out to eat the other day and I shouldn't go there, but I think about how nice it would be if I could just go out as often as they do. The other night I accidentally took two vitamins, one on top of the other. That meant I was awake at night, but I had blood circulating through me like it's supposed to flow and that was a beautiful thing. Tomorrow my mom's husband is going to pick up the girls and take them for the day. I'm really looking forward to that. The girls sit on their iPads or phones or play video games. I haven't always been great about letting them do things when they've asked, we've been passive and I know it's up to me to reverse that trend.
There was a time the other day when I felt great. The vitamins really help, but I have to remember to take them. Yesterday I had a character tell another person that every day they were disappointed when they woke up and found they hadn't died. I used to feel this way and I'm glad those days are in the past. I am better than I was before. I will keep getting better as I move forward. The chiropractor we met yesterday was easily the best one I've ever had. He was wonderful with the girls and I'm happy that I took them in when I did. Jane's neck was very out of place, Jill's was out in the same spot, but not to the extent that Jane's was. I was really surprised when she said her adjustment felt really good until I was adjusted. I'm not trying to push anything on anyone, but it's hard to explain how much a good chiropractor has helped me and it goes beyond physically manipulating my body. I had to explain that the girls and my ex were hit from behind by his girlfriend. He asked how long I had been divorced and told me that he's been through it and it really sucks. Just hearing him say that was affirming. He said the key going forward was more honesty and I admired that about him too.
He's this short kind of pudgy guy who doesn't look at all like he would be a fabulous chiropractor. His staff is nice and I can tell that the place is well run. I mentioned the massage I had and told him how much I loved the new therapist they had. I saw the therapist that I used to go to who stopped to say hi to us. I didn't like my last massage with her so she's probably lost me as a patient. I spend a lot of money at that place and now that I've been to the new girl I don't want to go back. I kind of don't want to go back to my chiropractor now that I've had this upper level of expertise, but I like my guy so I think I'll try talking to him and explaining that I still want to see him, but I'd also like to see this new guy periodically just to mix things up a bit. Confrontation is hard for me, but I can do it. I never want to hurt other people, but I can be assertive and gentle, I just have to get used to that level of internal discomfort. I did some research on pillows after my youngest said she thinks her pillow may be partially responsible for her neck pain. It's hard because there aren't people at the store you can talk to about what pillow would be best. I feel like this is an area where better education is needed and it would be great if people could lay down on a bed and experiment with people who guided them through the sales practice.
I found a guide that rated eight of their top pick pillows and which kind they recommended for which type of a sleeper. I can lay on my back without a pillow and position my head properly, or I think it's proper since I can breathe comfortably in that position, but I toss and turn at night and my neck bothers me quite a bit although I'm sure sitting in front of the computer contributes to that too. My anxiety is high today. I look at the person in the mirror hardly recognizing myself at times. When did I become so pale and doughy? What happened to the woman who used to pack up the kids and just go? I became afraid to leave the house and I didn't realize that until yesterday. I'm afraid that if I leave I'll get into trouble, spend money foolishly, or somehow earn the wrath or displeasure of some other person. I have my comfort zone and I rarely stray from it. We're going to the mall for Jane's birthday. I'm nervous about spending money there, I find myself not wanting to disappoint her and Jill instead of worrying about making sure my needs are met and then taking theirs into consideration. If I was a friend of mine I would tell that person to shake off my ex and just get out and wonder at the experiences he or she missed out on in the past. Going outside doesn't have to be extravagant, nature is healing and restorative and I can appreciate it in smaller, more frequent doses.
I still haven't gotten over my garden anxiety. It's on my list of things to tackle and I know that the best strategy is to dive right in, however I also know that if I'm frustrated and exasperated by bringing the girls along on a shopping trip where I'm already nervous is not a recipe for success. I love the girls and I'm making strides toward loving myself more. Last night I stood in front of the mirror at the end of the hall and told my reflection that I loved her and I was going to take better care of her. I left the hall with tears in my eyes as I got ready for bed. Jane was up since she couldn't sleep. I think part of that was pre-birthday nerves. I let her snuggle in my bed for a few minutes before kissing her and sending her back to her bed. I tried sleeping, but some nights I just can't. That doesn't normally happen to me, I can usually get hours of sleep, but last night I was more upset than I realized and the ice cream bars didn't help since they have caffeine in the chocolate coating. Today I'm laughing at myself for being so silly and taking myself and life a little too seriously. My accomplishments are mine and improvements can be continuously made, that realization comforts and gives me the strength to face my daughter's birthday on two and a half hours of sleep.
One last note. A neighbor is having an estate sale. I wanted some of her patio furniture, but when I walked down there it had already been sold. I'm okay with that. The timing wasn't right and now I have a better idea of what I'm looking for and don't have to settle for her things which were the right concept, but not the right color scheme. Last night I wrote a scene between two people who got engaged. I don't normally write very sappy and romantic things, but I went there and let the characters do their own thing for a change. I find that when I think about them too much they're less real sounding. I'm getting better at going back and picking up loose ends of conversational threads. I pulled a character I don't use very often into a scene and made it much better than it had been before. I just love it when I can do things that change how people are viewed. My aunt and I talk about the larger idea and then the smaller refinements, the curves and nuances that contribute to rounding out a person whether they exist in real life or not. It's been so much fun to write that I've been doing a little too much of it. No big deal, sometimes you just need to immerse yourself in something grounding and that's what I'm imperfectly doing right now. It's exciting and I feel more masterful as I gain confidence. May that be there for you too...