Yesterday did not go according to plan. I thought I was going to be getting to my doctor's appointment later than I wanted, but it wouldn't have mattered if I had because after an hour and eight minutes in the waiting room, the doctor still had not arrived. I was really annoyed that no one had checked in to tell me he was running that behind. When the assistant took my blood pressure she thought it would be about fifteen or twenty minutes before I was seen, I didn't really care for her, it seemed like she was going through the motions of her job, being adequate without really being competent. To digress for a moment, the woman who cut my hair this last time was competent without being skilled, but that's another conversation. I had a magazine to read, thankfully I had grabbed a copy of The New Yorker, but the contractor who is working on my bathroom said he was going to be there in half an hour so then I was impatient to get home so I could talk to him about a couple of things not to mention I'm not wild about having people over when the girls are home and I'm not. I like and trust him and he's my friend's brother, but it's not a habit I want to get into.

The new doctor was okay. There were things I liked about him and others I didn't. I felt like he really listened to me which was a point in his favor. Sometimes I feel like people are so busy checking their boxes and filling out paperwork that the patient is sort of secondary to the machines and bureaucracy. Another thing I was annoyed about was the fact that I had specifically asked about a pap and pelvic exam since I hadn't had one recently, and he told me I needed to see an OB-GYN for that. I can do that, but I wish the woman I spoke with when I scheduled the appointment would have mentioned that right away. He wrote me some prescriptions, one for an inhaler, another for Epi-Pens, and I got another one for anxiety, but the pharmacy didn't know if it was gluten free so I have to wait until Monday to check with the manufacturer. I had a really long chat with the contractor about different things that could be done around the house. He has a lot of great ideas and he's fun to work through things with since he has a different perspective than I do. Sometimes we agree, sometimes we don't, other times one of us will take an idea the other person had and tweak it slightly so it's better than it was originally.

That's what happened with the flooring I described to him. I found these 12 x 24 planks of tile that have a wood grain. It sounds kind of ugly, but I think it will work in there. His concern was putting long narrow planks in a room that's already long and narrow, but then he suggested angling or staggering it and immediately I realized that he was onto something. One of the things I just love about him is how he understands design elements and sees possibilities. When I first described the flooring to him I could tell he wasn't sold on the idea. He felt like I should go with smaller tiles since it is such a small room, but I really liked the color and grain so I was stubborn about defending my choice. I could see his point, he could see mine, and I think that the compromise will be a good one. I had to run it past my ex since this would mean using more materials and of course, more materials means an increase in cost. Fortunately he also likes the idea, I kind of thought he would, but cost is a factor that should be considered. I found a sink and vanity that includes a mirror. I'd like something taller, but for $120 I think I can live with it until I get the money to replace it and who knows, it might be just the size I need.

I dropped the girls off to go swimming with my niece and I'm really glad that I did that since I feel like their summer has been kind of crappy so far. My sister was going to pick them up, but then she sent me a text so we met at the pool and chatted with my mom's husband while the girls were swimming. My niece told my sister that my youngest daughter said she wanted to kill herself. I'm going to be talking to her and her therapist about that when she goes in for her next appointment. I thought about discussing it in the car on the way home, but decided to wait. My insurance company had my date of birth wrong so I wasn't sure if my prescriptions were going to be filled. I dropped the girls off at home while I ran to Walgreens. There are local pharmacies I would rather support, but I need a pharmacy that's nationwide and open twenty-four hours so I usually have most prescriptions filled there. I ran into my ex and his girlfriend last night. They were walking in as I was leaving with my prescriptions. I'm pretty sure I knew what they were going to be buying, that was embarrassing, but I held out my hand to introduce myself since I couldn't think of anything else to do and I like to take control of those kinds of situations when I can.

I can see what he sees in her. Who knows, maybe it will last. Meeting her made me wonder why I didn't get divorced earlier and why I got married in the first place. I think she's a lot more his type than I am. She doesn't seem very assertive, but maybe he likes that about her and I did only meet her for thirty awkward seconds or so. I talked to him about having the ductwork cleaned. He told me he still refers to me as his wife, I'm not sure why he said that, but I didn't make an issue out of it. I showed him the pictures of the vanity and the flooring and drove back home thinking. I bought some calcium chewables and was disappointed to find out that they've changed the shape and taste. I used to really like this brand, now the aftertaste is horrible and I bought two bottles because they were on sale. I'm sure the company has a good reason for changing their product, but now I have to find a different brand to take. My new doctor wants to see my medical records, that's always a pain, but I think he's thorough and I want to be as cooperative as I can so I don't have to have testing duplicated.

I'm really disappointed in myself for eating so much and not exercising lately although I'm going to blame some of that on not being able to breathe well. I want to get some more diffusers for essential oils so I can put them in bedrooms and the living room. They help so it's a cost, but I think one that will pay big dividends in the future. I feel like my new doctor had some insights that I appreciated. He told me that I seemed very organized. I'm not sure how that came about, but it was nice to hear. He doesn't say a lot, he listens more than he talks which I really like, he also thought it was a good idea to get some of the things I talked about doing at home to reduce environmental allergies as best I could. I don't mind taking allergy medicine, but I'd really prefer to try and limit the number of pills I take and I can't see why I wouldn't try to remove an allergen if I can so I can reduce my dependence on medication. Sometimes I think people are too quick to prescribe things although I do beleive that there is a time and a place for OTC and prescription meds.

Another thing I don't like about this month so far is the money situation. I don't have a good feel for where I'm at financially and that's always distressing. I've been driving a lot and I need to be better about budgeting my gas money. I'd like to start riding my bike more place and I find myself strangely unmotivated to do so probably because it's so hard to breathe right now the exertion feels like it would be too much for my lungs even though I know exercise strengthens them. My ex is coming over today, I hope that goes well, I'm tired since I didn't get a lot of sleep last night. I've been staying up too late and still getting up pretty early. I'm really looking forward to next week when the girls are gone and I can sleep in unless I have an early morning appointment which I do on Monday. A weird thing happened yesterday. My aunt sent me a short email telling me that she had a hunch I would be hearing from the Fire Department. I've been thinking about it for the past few days too although I hadn't mentioned that to anyone. She felt like I would be receiving good news, while I was shopping for flooring my phone rang and it was the guy who I first spoke with about the position. When I told my mom this she asked if I was going to be able to handle a job like that with my asthma. 

I'll be honest. I'm not sure that this job is going to be for me. There's a lot I like about it, and some big what ifs, and I'm not so sure about that type stuff. I don't see any harm in going to an interview, I try to go when I can since I think it's good practice, but I have some reservations about being able to do this kind of work. It's something totally new and different. I think I have the skills and attitude, but the physical side is making me pretty nervous. On one hand you never really know how any job is going to go, but considering I stayed home instead of going to a wedding because I had an asthma attack, that's making me think twice about this opportunity. I could go to the interview and it not go anywhere, something tells me I'll be offered the position, I could be wrong, but even if I am, it's something to think about if I'd like to go back to school for it. Sometimes I worry too much which is what I'm doing right now. I need to focus on getting myself better and keep ticking things off my master check list for home improvements. I have a guy coming out to give me an estimate on lightly sanding the flooring in the bedroom, and I need to call someone for an estimate on chimney work we need done since you can see sunlight in it and you shouldn't be able to is what our contractor said. 

For now the girls are sleeping. I've been having more fun and spending more time with them. We've been on a junk food kick, I don't like that so I need to clean out the fridge and just remind myself that we can make healthier meals and choose healthier snack options. The girls don't seem to eat like I do, maybe I'm kidding myself, but I sit and chow down when I'm nervous or stressed so I came home and ate a ton of food after the Walgreens incident. That didn't feel very good. I'm going to talk to my therapist about ways to handle that kind of anxiety, and maybe the new medication will help if I'm able to take it. Possibly it won't, it may even make things worse or come with unpleasant side effects, but the only thing I can do is try so that's what I'm going to do.

Until next time,


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