i write you suicide notes in my head
and with each one you care less and less
until the only thing left is
hi. consider this my last text to you.
i know you dislike dramatics, but immediacy
was a concern. i wanted to thank you for being
kind to me,
even though mostly you weren't
even though i sincerely question
your motivations, and often felt as though they
had little to do with me
and spending time with me,
you really seemed to want little of it,
when you wanted it, in a specific way.
i was always very grateful for your
which i'm sure you're well aware of
i also wanted to apologize for being unable
to give you my best, because i liked you, but if
you ever get the chance to speak with some of
my friends i think you'd be surprised to hear
how wonderful and intelligent they occasionally
found me. because i had this idea that i could
carve a new girl out of my body that you'd come
to find you liked, and in doing so i am left
with a pile of dust where a fun girl used to be.
i know you told me not to take you seriously.
i shouldn't have. i did.
i think i take everything too seriously.
i know you don't care but
i know you don't care at all but
i just thought
sincerely though. i'm so excited for you
i hope the future finds you extremely well.