January 4, 2012

The other day someone said something that sent me back in time for a while. I don't like thinking about the past and the person I used to be, still am in some ways, however I relived some good times I had forgotten about which helped remind me of the days when we celebrated different events and talked about how boring your job was. I read something the other day that really made me think about what I'm doing and where I'm going. I found a list of the ten hottest foods from 2011. As you know I like lists. I was driving home from the grocery store just thinking about the perceived randomness of life and how environment and others in it can influence a person. Which leads me back to you. If I was an influential person in your life, you're still influencing me and I'm sorry that I haven't been able to completely overcome things that you suggested may be standing between me and goal achievement.

Whenever I think I'm doing something different I can go back and find patterns I am repeating since I have an internal knot I can't seem to untie. I think you would understand what I mean by that. Your videos and photographs are still inspirational. When I bought my last phone I found a cool use for the camera function. Maybe I've moved past some of my image fears although I still have room for improvement there. There are a lot of things I'd like to get your perspective on but I can appreciate that you've moved on. Sometimes I think about you and the struggles you were facing. Hopefully those old challenges are behind and you've found new opportunities you hadn't dreamed would be in store for you back then.

Right now I'm contemplating some decisions that are probably not as big as I think they are. This is just my way of saying I miss you and thinking about you still hurts. I wonder why you didn't say goodbye if only because you said you would. I want to tell you about what happened last March, the tests I went through this past May and the letter I have to deal with that's sitting on my desk. I keep looking for someone to replace you, you've left a position open that's been impossible for me to fill.

Anyways, I hope things are going well for you. Keep smiling, you are in my mind, because that's the way I like to remember you.

jessicaj

I dont know what has happened to me, my confidence has been gone since I moved to Indianapolis. I always had some pre installation jitters, but now I seem to think I cannot pull this off. Right now things are in the carrier's hands, a place I do not like to be. If their piece goes off without a hitch and the porting goes well, then we should be 85 percent good. I know in my head that I can do this, but after all the crap that has hit me in the last 2 years, my soul does not believe in me anymore.

In other items, I think about it a little less, but my problems are re-occuring just like I know they would. I am not saying I was wrong just yet, and my gut still quails at the thought of the alternative, so who knows, I do know that I have to be a better person than I have been. The clock is ticking

CUE:

        The sun's gone dim
        And the sky's turned black

It's the middle of winter. Cold outside. The need for another warm body is never so apparent as it is during a cold gray day.

You should be in the kitchen, making soup with her. Reading poetry with her. Laughing, crying, kissing. Looking into her eyes.

        'Cause I loved her
        And she didn't love back