There is no such thing as a person who doesn't get an erection thinking about Rip Torn while alone in the bathroom with the lights out. It just doesn't happen.

My name is Itzak Berky and friends call me Behr. I am said to be the infamous Bear of Berlin who wiped out entire Red Army divisions with a hammer and an X-Man type hand. There is no direct evidence and I cannot be brought to trial but the Russians want me. Good thing the Dutch Boys are taking me to throw me in the Fuhrer's fireplace. They are so dumb that they are taking me right to the Fuhrer, which is where I needed to go anyway in order to become one with him and help him regain form in this world and help his allies in Europe and America bring freedom to the world.

It is a tall order.

We came out of the cave in the mountain because it didn't go anywhere. After about twenty feet we hit a wall and now the hairless ass weasel is digging a tunnel for us. It is going to be a long wait, so I decided to visit the local hospitals and murder the doctors there. It is a shame to see the liberal hatred taking shape in Germany the Fatherland in the form of the false science of medicine and its evil practitioners who ruin economies by forcing people to live past the point of usefulness to the work force. That is not sustainable and needs to end. Work camps for doctors are the answer. In lieu of that, running into your doctor's office and cutting them to pieces with the lid of a soup can is a logical substitute. As Mr. Spock, star of the node tight buns would say, "Captain, it is logical." Stock up on Campbell's soup. It is going to be a long winter (especially for those doctors, eh?).

When I was done I got something to eat at one of the beer gardens that grow naturally out of the ground in Bavaria.

We wait. The tunneling has begun. What else can I tell you? I heard that Slick Willie Lawyer is now working for President Trump's defense team, so that is good news even if he did turn on me in the end according to Angela and the children as well as the FBI. I still think they were lying about Chopper. He wouldn't rat on a friend. Chopper once hunted tender age children in parks. You can't break a person like that, they are too toughened up (something Frank Perdue used to push in his chicken business).

I'm going to try to get a date with the lady I saw at the inn we stayed in under false identities (My name was David Sawyer. It won't be on the test but it is now Behr canon).

I have to work up some new lines. The one I used on a lady the other night didn't go well. Apparently nachos aren't very popular around here.

My friends.

Today is my day off, and I have a lot of plans for it. This whole week has been one long situation, my back hurts, I didn't sleep well last night, and I have a lot on my mind. The personal news first. My youngest has walking pneumonia. She's been coughing, at first I thought it was a cold, but it grew steadily worse, and finally she admitted she was concerned about it to the point where she went online and Googled what to do if your cough doesn't go away. I spent the morning taking her in to be seen, went back home to drop her off, and then drove out to Walgreens to pick up her prescription. She didn't wear a coat, hat, gloves or mittens, and she didn't have anything on under her sister's baggy sweatshirt. Her face was very pale, more so than it is normally, and I did not feel like a great mother when the pediatrician on call checked out her eardrum that had ruptured back in the fall.

After that I went to the dentist and was told my tooth needs a root canal after all. I'm kind of proud of the way I handled that unexpected news. I wanted to cry, scream, leave, and a lot of other things, but I calmly stated that I was upset that the first dentist I had seen let me walk around for almost two months with a tooth that badly needed treatment of some sort. The front desk people reversed my initial payment, and when I told them that they could have just subtracted the work I did have done today, they tried to tell me that this was a courtesy they had performed for me as if taking a cash discount away from a patient was going to be viewed favorably. I know why they did it, but had they just explained and communicated to me that their books would be cleaner if it was handled this way, I would have been a lot more okay with that.

I went to work and scheduled the root canal appointment. Now that I've read up on reversible pulpitis, I'm not sure my tooth actually needs this treatment, but I'm hardly an expert on the subject. My boss told me to let him know how the pain was, he said he would work for me if I needed him to, and perhaps the smart thing would have been to switch shifts with him, but that's not what I chose to do. Yesterday was rough. I woke up in a lot of pain after an almost sleepless night. Between my mouth, my daughter's cough, and the next door neighbor's dog making all sorts of noise at five something in the morning, I was not a very happy camper. But I drove to work in the bitter cold determined to do what I could, and grateful that the guy I was working with had already worked out a game plan for the day.

My first customer was a bag. Being treated like that does not make me want to help anyone out. She had cracked her screen protector, and yelled at me because warranty means free, and I couldn't argue with that. When I sell screen protectors I mention that the manufacturer will replace them for a nominal shipping fee, or we typically have them in the store for a fraction of the full retail price. There are people who don't mention this, and I think that the better we are at telling people things like that, the less chance of a future incident like the one I had will be repeated. The woman called me a liar to my face which I found slightly amusing. She wanted to get under my skin, and for all the pain I was in, I never let her invade my sanctuary of inner calm. Bigger and better people than her have called me out on the sales floor. I held my ground and she left in a fit of rage. Hopefully her blood pressure has decreased since yesterday morning.

One of the things we try to monitor at work is how much we are making per labor hour. This has been more of a concern now that the holidays are becoming an ever distant memory, and sales are down. My boss let me leave early the other night, and it didn't take a lot of persuading to get me to punch out early last night either. Earlier in the month I sold a red iPhone to one of the most stubborn and belligerent people I have encountered in a very long time. Returns hurt our bottom line and impact my paycheck, that and the subsequent ego hit came at a really bad time. One of the things I just love about our assistant manager is how he handles crisis situations. He doesn't get upset, yell at anyone, or waste time. He gets to the bottom of the issue as quickly as he can, and stays focused on that until there is resolution.

We had a steady stream of customers including a guy who had been a complete fucking dick to me the last time he was at our store. I felt like he recognized me, and was beyond grateful that I didn't have to work with him even though that meant losing out on a sale. The only thing I sold was a case, and with the return hitting my numbers, let's just say it could have been a much more profitable day. We have an office area in back and I almost never use it. When I started it was where the guys kept their things, and I sort of felt like it was their turf. I was told I could put my stuff on a table, and actually kind of liked that solution. It still works, and I'm a big fan of recognizing what is right, however I also like to watch for areas where things could be even better. There are two tables in a very small break room, and I feel like we could get by with only one since the second makes that area cramped and crowded.

When I was in back I lifted an overhead bin that needed attention. I pulled out hanging file folders, manila inserts, a stapler that was still in the box, and stacks of old invoices that were gathering dust. There were two packs of highlighters, a large plastic bag full of rubber bands, ancient business cards, and the sort of flotsam and jetsam that an unattended space tends to accumulate. Screws without homes or labels, strange stickers, metal objects that didn't seem to be related to anything else; I did what I could and by the time I was done, I was really proud of what I had accomplished. I'm not sure what about hidden clutter gets to me, but that has been on my mind ever since the day it was revealed to me. I still remember it, and I wish I could get to the bottom of why it feels significant.

It had been a slow Sunday so I went in back to tackle our supply closet. When the guy I was working with told me that the office needed cleaning I stared at him in surprise. People there are great about keeping clutter to a minimum, I had come in before to see that they had organized and rearranged things, we have our flaws, but disorganization and crap lying around isn't typically one of them. Without saying anything to me he lifted the overhead bin. It looked like someone had been asked to clean up things in a hurry, and did the - let's jam things into a space where people won't see it right away - trick. There are periods of time when I forget that things like that exist, but we have very important people coming to visit next week, and have been trying to do cleaning tasks and projects we normally wouldn't, probably because that's the type of thing people like us do.

You can lecture people all day long, rarely is that effective. Without really meaning to do this, I tapped into something I didn't know existed in the form that it does. There are people who enjoy and seek out collaboration, and those that prefer and thrive in a more competitive environment. When we were acquired by another company I knew that things would change, and I wanted to be prepared for that eventuality. I have to prove my worth and value at work, and fortunately for me, there are many ways to do that. I need a career path, I need a game plan. My sales haven't been what I would like them to be, however, I'm still one of the top fifteen employees in our district, and that's impressive as I am not only new, but I only work part time although I picked up extra hours when my boss was on vacation.

I've been somewhat proactive about picking up other hours. My boss wants off on Sunday so he can watch the Super Bowl. After my last date I think it will be some time before I sit through anything like that again, but I was trying to get along which did lead to me learning more about a game I don't like. One of the dark clouds on the horizon is the guy whose store I visited over the Christmas season. He complains about me and questions whether I am a good fit for the job. Hearing that was vexing, but I can't let him get to me like that. There will always be people who don't like me for whatever reason, and I'm glad I told my boss that I'm still going to be me, because I can't afford to let him know that his comments bother me. It wouldn't be so bad if they were directed solely at me, apparently his strategy is to make these insinuations and drop comments in a chat group that only the managers have.

We are hard on each other at work. Each of us has areas where we shine. My boss is great about creating a clean and organized sales floor. He puts a high priority on keeping things neat and clean, these probably sound like very basic things, but they are still vitally important to me. We have a list of cleaning tasks that is reasonable and he does his share and probably beyond that at times. I don't resesnt things like that, we all need to pitch in so we have a nice environment in which to work, and the customers appreciate coming into a store where the bathroom is clean and well stocked. He makes it very easy for people like me to sell, and I wish he would get more credit for that since it is a gift that largely goes unrecognized and underappreciated. 

His assistant is one of our top sales people. He has a different focus, and it might be one of the reasons they are a good fit. The way he thinks about things and sells is completely opposite of the way that I do, neither way is good, or bad, right, or wrong, it's just that we have found what works for us, and learned not to deviate too far from it while still learning from others. He is a facts and figures person so when someone comes in, he can figure out down to the penny what they will save if they adopt his proposal. He makes you see the logic behind his thought processes and waits for you to agree since you really can't imagine why you wouldn't adopt whatever he is suggesting. He's incredibly good at what he does, my boss described him as a lion stalking prey which is a good analogy, but I prefer to think of him as a chess or pool player who is always at least three to five moves ahead of his opponent.

If my boss is the coach, and his assistant is our star player, I'm the mom who wants people to get to bed earlier, and eat more nutritious meals. I'm better at dealing with emotionally charged situations like the woman who was in tears the other day. Sometimes it's hard because there isn't really a good metric for softer skills. I try to appreciate others, I've learned a lot about myself and the group dynamic, I think we are a synergistic and evolving team, and that makes me happy. None of us are content with status quo. I was told to follow a certain sales protocol and I have tried. When I started tracking more worksheet submissions, other people stepped up. I see things in a way that don't, and vice versa. I feel as if there is a fundamental layer of trust and respect that is rare among people who work closely together. 

We don't have to like each other to get along and work very hard. The work ethic is there even when people tend to look for the way they work in others. It's kind of like the fights I had with my siblings when we were younger, my boss mentioned this the other day. Maybe one of us was just saying the exact same thing moments earlier, but if someone else tries to attack our group, we have each other's backs. He feels very strongly about this, and I do too. It's cool to be a part of a team like that; one where you are confident that people are hard on you because they believe you are capable of more even when you doubt that you are ready for it yourself. If you missed my personality theories; here's one I've been contemplating for a while. ESTJ, ISTJ, and myself are a good team. We all value order, but in slightly different capacities. We love efficiency, honesty, and value. We love to learn, we're supportive of each other to the extent we know how and can see the need.

The other night I was sitting at the counter when my children arrived at home. It had been a day of doctor appointments and driving around. My mouth was sore, my back hurt, my ear was throbbing from referred pain, and I couldn't even greet them properly when they walked into the kitchen. I sat there crying, holding my aching head with my fingertips, not knowing what to do or where to turn for comfort. I felt one of them put her arms around me and I started crying harder. It was the kind of hug I really needed; warm, long, giving, caring, silent. I received another shorter one, and that was welcome too. I always want to write about the positive aspects of parenting, it's hard to capture moments like those when there are dishes in the sink, mail on the counter, and fear in my heart. They are old enough to know more of how the world operates. I'm incredibly fortunate to have them and the guys at work.

Today is my middle sister's birthday and we're going to an escape room. I'm still in my pajamas and haven't done a lot of the things on my list. Tomorrow I'm going to another store and I can already feel my apprehension rising because the last time I was there I was very new and I didn't have a particularly great experience there. But I've learned and grown since then. Despite the turmoil, I'm glad I took action when I applied for this job. Never could I have imagined being here today. I say that a lot, maybe because my mind works that way. I think things are going to be one way, and it ends up very differently despite my vision. It's cool to see my children growing and becoming their own people. I'm proud of who they are and what they have overcome. There is always room for improvement, but there is also a time to sit back and just enjoy the blessings I have been given in my life, and today is one of those days.

All my best,

J

P.S. At some point in time I want to go back to some of the things that happened over these past few days, right now I'm glad they are behind me. I owe others a lot, and I'm really glad that I'm learning how to better receive what others want to give to me. That's been a tough lesson to internalize.

j

I fell in love all over again. Not from a moment of sun or (oddly), from being cuddled up to the dark man all weekend, or him mixing me drinks, or when first seeing him, but on the last day of a weekend-long friends and family reunion, my head braced on his lap, legs slung over the couch, with him looking down at me with... what? Fondness? Resignation? Amusement? Something between the three. I'd spent most of the weekend drunk on cocktails he mixed me, or snuggled up next to him on the couch, or trying to be subtle while tailing him around the house.

Like any hangover, the despair and horror and guilt lasted a couple of days. I knew I was back on the creature when a brief conversation lit my brain up with the "everything is going to be okay" chemicals, and I slept through the night.

No easy place to run away from this one, and no good way to talk it through with him. Time to grit my teeth and pretend I'm just fine, thank you. I have this friendship with him back: I have the feeling of bone-deep safety. If I've got the grief and the longing too, well, this is nothing new. It can be enough. It will have to be enough.


Everything comes around again, and my job has gone from M&A to doing one of the things I do best: angry, effective right or left hand of a manager. After long talks between my mentor (who I'd hoped to go work for) and my actual manager (who is not allowed let me return to Oregon), they've put me on point on a number of strategic initiatives I'm oddly enthused about.

One is copy-editing and reorganizing the department homepages. Another, I can't talk about.

I guess I can't talk about the third either, but it plays well to my skills.


In the aftermath of the party and the storm, the last month or two of winter is still ahead of us. This next week, the gym calls or a toll of deadlifts and sweat. I've enlisted a friend to go lift weights as pressure towards making sure I actually hit the gym.

Currently circling around a nascent vacation sometime in March - hoping for a road trip. I guess we'll see.

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