I'm not going to lie anymore. Everything is not fine. I am still so depressed that I have no idea how I can possibly function in this world. I simply cannot feel emotions without logically breaking down why and how I feel the emotion. The emotion isn't even mine anymore, it is my body's, and I no longer can feel them, I can only observe them, like an impartial scientist.

Maybe that is the problem: I understand too much and ignorance is truly bliss, but then there are still so many things that I do not understand. I do not understand people, I do not understand relationships, I do not understand how to use anything but words to communicate.

Even during those few fleeting moments of life during which I am content - when my schedule, diet, exercise, and the planets are in line - it never lasts for long. There is always something I will think or read that will somehow kill me inside, and I spiral back down into the abyss of depression. It can be something as simple as misinterpreting someone's innocent compliment. How could anyone love me when I spend my entire life strapped to this rollercoaster, blasting through the impenetrable darkness? Tomorrow I may not even be the same person that I am today. Today I may feel untouchable, tomorrow I may feel as if my very soul has been touched by a rapist.

I am so lonely. All I want in life is a female companion who accepts me, who I can just hug with all the strength I have and hold forever. Someone who can understand why I am so quiet and awkward around her friends. Someone who I can be completely weird, crazy, and spontaneous around. I do not even care whether or not she understands my condition, I just want someone to love this depressed, moody, social and emotional cripple.

National Days (Canada Day, Australia Day, Bastille Day etc. Includes days like ANZAC day)
PATRIOTISM!!! Be patriotic to your country on a day like today. This isn't another commercial racket, it's a day where you should just be slap-happy and love your country. In fact, most of them have some kind of history attached to them, which is another thing I can understand. Why *those* days? The history, man. Even if we're not sure what the history is, just kick back and partake in your country's national pastime, like playing cricket and having a barbie if you're Aussie. AUSTRALIA!!! I LOVE YOU!!! I'M SORRY I SLEPT WITH AMERICA AND CHINA!!!

Usually, somewhere in Australia there's a cricket match or fifty. Usually there's an international one (Australia vs. some other country) and usually it's in Adelaide. However, I didn't get to see much of it as I was playing a game of cricket myself. Our lovely team were against the top-of-the-ladder, never-lost-a-game team. I still don't know what was the best part of the day: bailing them out for 75 (a very low score, even for club cricket), getting a catch in the process (he popped it up right at me), seeing one of our guys and his rival from the other team clash... and our guy coming out best (I have never seen more disgusting on-field behaviour from the other guy), scoring 28 from 25 overs (unfortunately, they got my number and started bowling down my leg side - I was dropped at 27 off a sitter but was caught next ball for 28), facing an arrogant prick who had left our team because he 'wasn't getting a go' (he was easy to see off), another faceoff between the two aforementioned with our guy winning again (our guy was Beano, whom I have mentioned before: he was pissed off - with tongue planted firmly in cheek - that I was making the shots for once), or getting to a stumps score of 9d-195 (the d means declared. We deliberately stopped our innings at that point. It's a tactical thing) and thus being 120 runs ahead with a day to play.


I love you, Australia.

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