I'm not going to lie anymore. Everything is not fine. I am still so depressed that I have no idea how I can possibly function in this world. I simply cannot feel emotions without logically breaking down why and how I feel the emotion. The emotion isn't even mine anymore, it is my body's, and I no longer can feel them, I can only observe them, like an impartial scientist.
Maybe that is the problem: I understand too much and ignorance is truly bliss, but then there are still so many things that I do not understand. I do not understand people, I do not understand relationships, I do not understand how to use anything but words to communicate.
Even during those few fleeting moments of life during which I am content - when my schedule, diet, exercise, and the planets are in line - it never lasts for long. There is always something I will think or read that will somehow kill me inside, and I spiral back down into the abyss of depression. It can be something as simple as misinterpreting someone's innocent compliment. How could anyone love me when I spend my entire life strapped to this rollercoaster, blasting through the impenetrable darkness? Tomorrow I may not even be the same person that I am today. Today I may feel untouchable, tomorrow I may feel as if my very soul has been touched by a rapist.
I am so lonely. All I want in life is a female companion who accepts me, who I can just hug with all the strength I have and hold forever. Someone who can understand why I am so quiet and awkward around her friends. Someone who I can be completely weird, crazy, and spontaneous around. I do not even care whether or not she understands my condition, I just want someone to love this depressed, moody, social and emotional cripple.