Today was one of those days that just plain sucked.

Started off as usual, rolling out of bed still in a semi-conscious sort of state, but it went downhill very soon.

I've got the radio making lame attempts to inject energy into my otherwise zombied mind, and the next thing I know, the car in front of me has stopped and I slam on the brakes, not really knowing what was going on.

If you've ever been in a car accident, you know the feeling. I saw the 2000 Toyota Celica get bigger and bigger until I realized that I wasn't going to stop in time.

boom.

The first car, an old Volkswagen, had stopped at the pedestrian crossing so abruptly that the Celica, also unable to brake, slammed into the Volks. Me, in a daze in my Jeep TJ (which doesn't really have the best brakes, I must admit), then proceeded to slam into the Celica.

It all happened so fast, I didn't really have time to digest it all. Everyone got out of the cars and inspected the damage. Lucky for us all there was no damage to any of the cars. Without bothering to talk about it, the guy in the first car leaves. After exchanging information, the second guy and I leave as well.

Probably a pretty boring story up till this point, I must admit. A routine bumper car act, nothing so special, right? I guess it would have been routine, except for the fact that the lights weren't blinking at the crosswalk, nor was there anyone crossing the street. This guy in the Volks just decided to stop for no apparent reason in the middle of the street. It's still the fault of the cars behind, but I found that kind of odd. That and the fact that he left before we could get his licence.

Oh well. It was one of those days. I arrived at school five minutes later to the cheering of a bunch of friends who had seen me blocking off a lane of traffic but failed to stop and see if things were alright. Heh, some friends. :P

The funny thing is, it didn't really get much better from there.

My Tuesdays and Thursdays tend to suck. An 8:00 am lab, where I forget to check if the probe was set properly on the oscilloscope, is a great start to the day. Actually, the great start begins earlier, when I have to haul my tired ass out of bed at 6:30. The lab sucks though, because I'll be damned if I can remember to set the scope probe to x1 instead of x10, and neither can I look at the op amp pin out, so we get the pins on the right side wrong and fry a couple of chips. Let the smoke out, so to say. All our measurements were off by a factor of ten, and I didn't notice because that was still in the swing range of the op amp. Doh.

It's always nice to follow up a lab with a nice rousing read in the library, a circuits assignment, and Shift. Follow that with 15 minutes of technical writing, 15 minutes instead of an hour and a half, because the instructor is sick and only wants to stay long enough to tell us what the next assignment is. So back to the library for more Canadian Studies reading. Fun fun, and then CNST itself.

It's 5:40 by the time I leave. I walked to school in the dark, and I walk home in the dark. My life exists in the dark. Home to a fight, because nobody wants to use the phone to call for pizza. Bad moods all around. A stress basket and a slack ass.

So yeah, that's my boring day.


And oh yeah, I used "your" where I should have used "you're" in a node title, and I got my ass voted down.

Strange week, strange month. Time is flying by, and I am now totally into the swing of work. This cuts down on my time at my studio apartment, which not all that bad of a thing.

I have not changed my mind about the incompetence of my boss, but I have decided that if I don't get over it I will go insane.

Strange observation today: fast-food restaurants in the Boston area seem to avoid self-service drink machines, or maybe it is just the downtown area. When I checked today at Burger King, they said the refill price was the same as the original price. What a rip. But staying with the theme, I will get over it.

Well, the Simpson's are on, I have to go now ;-)

First week of the semester is almost over. That leads to the weekend, which means relaxtion and the Super Bowl!

Today, i had my weekly chem lab for the first time this semester. Lab today was actually pretty good. I'm right between three girls, who are constantly messing up their experiment. I mean, one of them was unable to boil a chemical. You just keep adding heat, and it boils. This is not a complicated theory. (The chemicals boiling point was about 20 °C below that of pure water... ) I kept laughing at them and they kept trying to ask me for help. Its always good to have some comic relief during a chem lab.

While looking for the hw due tomorrow in my comp sci class, i came across some shocking information. One of the TA's for the class is someone one year older than me that i went to HS with. Uh oh... he does the grading... this kid was kinda weird. Oh, and look... he runs the review session for the class. This is gonna be interesting.

After i was finished with all my classes, i relaxed and watched some Trigun (all of which i've already seen multiple times) and ate some Doritos. I was kinda curious why the people i usually eat with (basically we eat together every day) didn't contact me about dinner... Hmm... maybe something happened... Oh well, i'll find out tomorrow.

As I lay there watching the movie the stress settled into me like an old blanket. I am stressing about my personal issues. I am stressing about a decision I have just made. I am stressing because of the ache in my heart that pulls at me and cries out to be loved. But mostly, I am stressing because I fear that somehow this may harm our friendship. I love you and it would tear me apart to loose your friendship. To walk away from this and have us never speak again.

All these things are crashing about in my head right now. I know it is silly. I know that there is no reason to stress about it now.. maybe not ever. But I am, and I do. You mean a lot to me.

A brief sample of Random Thoughts

  1. Dissidents are the lifeblood of democracy
  2. It's the cracked ones that let light into the world
  3. If the universe is finite, there are a finite number of points in a line. Therefore squaring the circle is possible, and my life, once again, has meaning.
  4. Creativity and insanity are intimately related, but not linearly
  5. Chaos is the lifeblood of reality
  6. The crackpots are onto something.

Further, deponent saith not.

My third day in the Emergency Department. Somehow I'm more flustered today and only managed to handle 2 and a half patients. This is vastly worse than the 3 patients I handled yesterday.

Today's patients included a woman who thought she had another stroke this morning but turned out not to have any significant neurological deficit and no abnormality on a CT scan of her head. She was a highly anxious patient, so much so that testing her reflexes were difficult because she would not relax. An interesting point in her history was that she was a heavy smoker for many years ... up until her previous stroke 2 years ago, when she quit cold turkey, no doubt after getting the shock of her life.

My "half" patient was a 55 year old man who came in with chest pain (of the appropriate type) and an ECG from his local doctor confirming a likely new myocardial infarct. It was near the end of my shift and I only had time to insert an IV cannula, take blood, order blood tests (FBC, EUC, CK, CK-MB), order a Chest X-Ray for him and order up a first dose of clexane (an anticoagulant, as directed by one of the registrars) before handing him over to one of the other interns doing the evening shift.

Today is also Australia Day. I have turned down going into the city to watch the fireworks as I'm feeling really tired. Might still go and watch the (likely smaller) fireworks display in Parramatta though, which starts in about an hour's time.

Visiting my girlfriend to celebrate our 3 year anniversary this weekend. Just wanted to record this fact for posterity. It probably means nothing to you, my fellow Everythingians but, well... it means the world to me.

Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please Lord, don't just watch me weep.

Please let me die before I wake,
My ugly soul is yours to take.

Today is a great day. After many months dreaming about constructing my own Everything, today I've seen for the first time a naked Everything, a clean nodegel awaiting to be filled.

As I said before, I needed someone to help me, and there it came daniel++, a programming genius that has been able to install an Everything server in a Mac OSX G4. Impressive, doing it in a Linux box was too easy for him. Thanks also to nate and the others at Everydevel for their help.

Now there's a lot to do. We have to customize and translate our Everything server, we have to think what we want to do with it (Spanish Everything Project and Catalan Everything Project anyone?).

But the best thing is that we have it here to stay.

This is the clean everything...

friday, friday. I feel like I haven't done anything all week, and indeed many things I have not.

I'm still exercising. It's good. I'm drinking 8+ cups of water a day and starting to learn the guitar and to record my singing. It's good. I'm attending a singing workshop all weekend. I'm kind of dreading it - not because I don't want to go, I do, it sounds great and the woman who runs it is supposed to be fabulous to sing with - but 'cause it takes up the whole weekend and I can't see my boy very much. We're SO codependent.

I'm sleepy. Ohhhh.

I wish our lead would return to choir. Everyone in my section treats me like I'm the substitute lead, and while I'm happy to help if I can, it's very stressful to feel like it's my responsibility. I mean, I only joined the choir last year. Feeling like I'm a competent singer, like I'm a more competent singer than most people even in the choir (..?), is a very strange feeling still. In choir in highschool I still hadn't found my singing voice and I was in a small section that was lost a lot. Then last year I joined this choir and I found to my delight that my worries that I wouldn't be good enough were unfounded, that I was a good singer, that I had a singing voice all along.. it's a wonderful feeling. Unh, but I want to spend my time singing, not giving pep talks to our terminally self-denigrating alto section. They can all sing well enough, but are mostly convinced that they can't sing at all without the lead. Now whenever we do sing things well, they blame it on me instead. STOP THANKING ME! I'M NOT DOING ANYTHING! YOU WERE JUST SINGING TOO! AHHHHHH! The combination of this worrying and the beauty of the music made me almost cry last night as we were going through the first movement of the Rutter's Requiem. (It is beautiful. I love the first bit. All those weird crunches and the latin. Mmm.) I'll pretend it's the barometric pressure.

The end of another week. I am just finnishing of some last tests, uploading the results, then fucking off back home. See Sarah and going to the pub for a well deserved (dozen) pints.

What have I done today? Well, actually, work. The devices decided it might work today so I only spent 3 hours on the internet (out of 7.5). Pub lunch, no stress at all.

Official countdown to new project: 9 days 15 hours 48 minutes and 16 seconds!

I didn't intend for this to be a test of my friends.

I have been in a dark, if not joyless mood: dark, quiet and slow. My preoccupation with the work I am doing has made me uninterested in people, and the loneliness that has come has edified my nerves. It has made me feel hard and strong.

There is something coming to fruition here; I feel on the verge of what I need. It's coming from me, and from no other place. It is coming from me, and I need to extract it from all that has begun to lay down in my head, sorting away the worlds I used to know that are leading me slowly to this climax and conclusion. I feel like I'm making something, and the world is only a distraction.

I looked up from myself this morning though. I find no one has called in my absence. I find no one has really come looking. In my new fascination with solitude, I am not sure I care, but I am thinking about coming out soon. My nerves are resteeled. I'm almost reformed. I might be beginning to fathom who I am.

But I think I'll be looking to new people when I do come out. When I do come back to the world. My time of carrying on one-sided conversations is closing.

I'm going to miss you, old friend...

Thanks to this time, I don't need them. I want them, but I don't need. I can afford to look around, and find something right for me.
My sister-in-law called to tell me that it was snowing up in Dogpatch, so my carpool buddy and I took off from the Sacramento River Valley and headed north. We were very close to home and had almost climbed to 1700 feet but the roads were still clear and dry. Then, suddenly, a line of cars ahead, a policeman: it was a chain check. But only for cars going higher, to Wiffle Valley. To us he only said, "Be careful."

Well, a few miles from home and still no sign of snow, when suddenly the rain turned to these strings of white yarn. The wind must have been blowing pretty well, because they were falling almost horizontally. Still, it wasn't sticking.

Then, within a mile of home, it got deep and heavy.

Within a few feet of home, it got dark. I thought it was our old friend The California Power Crisis, but instead it was a good old fashion tree falling on a power line somewhere down below.

No power for three hours. Then it came on for a half hour and was off again. A friend came by and dropped off some firewood, so we had heat. We sat in the firelight with the neighbors, my daughter crying to see Scooby Doo and to turn on the light, so the neighbors went home and we went to bed.

The power kept going on and off all night. When it goes off our thermostat makes some weird chirps; when it comes on the answering machine and VCR clear their throats and the refrigerator kicks in. So I was waking up and down all night.

By morning it was all melting.

Today marks the end of my first week in my new job, as a classroom assistant in a school for the deaf and hearing impaired. It's been tiring and interesting, and most importantly for me, remunerative. Tomorrow I go to Birmingham to spend my ill-gotten gains partying with friends. I'm so tired now, though, that I'm just going to go home and crawl into bed.

Good grief I haven't written a day log since early December. Vacation started and I dropped off the face of the planet. It was really nice to just vegetate for a couple of weeks though. I managed to get some long postponed reading done and sit still for more than ten minutes at a stretch. I guess that's what vacation is all about - getting just enough time off to keep you from going crazy and when you're safely away from the threshold of murder suicide throwing you back into the water. I feel rested and collected.

It's been nearly six months since I last held a job. This may sound inconsequential but it is the longest stretch of unemployment I've ever been privileged to live through. I've worked non-stop (mainly at shitty jobs) for the past fifteen years. The need for fiscal reality looms in the near future. Yoon has been supporting me for the past couple of months. I need to find a new place to live in a little over a month. My roommate is moving into some enormous space up in the mountains to be part of some art community or something. Sigh.

On the good news front, it's looking like the old kidneys and pancreas have decided to go back to work at least temporarily. I'm relieved but still very cautious about taking the results too seriously. Diabetes is mysterious and volatile. I am not going to get all optimistic about a situation that may change at any time. I'm still on the list for organ donor recepients. Those who give a shit please keep your fingers crossed for me. I'm not a believer in prayer but...

My band finally managed to track down a drummer. If you play music in any capacity you probably already know how difficult that is. The really strange part is that he's insanely good. He might be the best drummer that I've ever played with. Imagine playing with a drummer who actually counts and has suggestions for structure instead of just complaining. The only down side is that he chews (tobacco) and despite my own disgusting habit of setting tobacco on fire the cups full of brown spit are a little hard to take.

I'm also really curious about the much hyped Macintosh OS X. I know that most people put Macs in the same category as Etch-a-Sketches in regards to their worthiness as real tools. I'm excited because I do a lot of layout work and as cool as Gimp is these days it is not Photoshop. Try doing two page spreads with even the most sophisticated of the commercial Linux software and Microsoft Publisher starts looking pretty slick in comparison. As much as I heart using Linux I seriously wonder if it's the slightest bit practical for my uses. Sometimes the easy way is just so seductive. Maybe I take the rantings of Linux zealots a little too seriously? Anyhow, the article in Open magazine about the new Mac OS really got me thinking about the full range of options again.

My new year's resolution (I know, I know it's already January) is to try to get to know more people in my neighborhood and at school. I realized that I completely avoid interacting with entire groups of people because I assume that we have nothing in common. So I'm on a mission this year to find out exactly what the commonalities and differences are between me and the people I avoid. It's pretty ambitious but I'm going to give it a shot at least until I get my ass kicked or something.

Ugh...

Not a good day.

The major development project that I'm working on (running one of the sub-projects) of is going desperately pear-shaped. The end date got moved three months earlier. Three of the (other) sub-projects underestimated their effort by about a year. We underestimated by (mumble... well, a few months...)... The business wonder if we'll deliver in time... (Like, goodnight Vienna if we fail. Game over!)

We're in System Test. We've found two errors by chance that would have made us look right idiots... if they'd been found. Integration Testing with one of the other sub-projects (running concurrently... ugh) has turned up two errors that are just embarrasing... The end date for our System Test was meant to be today. We'll be at least another week. Which is okay, because no one else is ready... Which makes everyone nervous...

Sigh.

And I must stop dreaming about work...

Today is my last day of work at the Schraffts Center in Boston, I am going back to Amherst on Sunday. Tomorrow I am going out to karaoke in Allston and then staying at BC. Tonight I am going to have pizza for the last time at home.

So much for my job and all-day long noding. Today I went back and started re-writing some of my shorter nodes as well as writing some new ones because I figure that i won't have as much time to write once I get back to school.

Still, next semester will be fun. I'm gonna see if I can get my roommate to trade the twin gods of Diablo 2 and Quake for noding. I am taking a class on chinese dialects, and another classical chinese class as well as Japanese and junior writing, which will also probably be about Chinese stuff, as I dont want to write about econ. Also spring is Ultimate season, so I know what I'll be doing every weekend from February to May! Nationals is at Fort Devens this year, so we want to get there extra-special-bad this year so that we can play in front of a home crowd.

It's still cold in boston although not as cold as it was last week. I am glad that spring will be here soon.

7:25 Wake up after a yet another poor nights sleep.   Get out of bed, make some oatmeal. Notice that the French word for oatmeal (farine d'avoine) is kinda long. Laugh at the French.  Take a shower.  Notice I don't have any clean underwear. Goin' commando today

7:50 Get into the truck. Digweed and Sasha - Communicate CD 1 for 5 minutes, NPR for 10.

8:05 Get to work. Throw the tuna fish sandwich my girlfriend made me in the frig, get some coffee.  Head to my desk, turn on NPR, check my stocks (damn), and start reading email

8:30 My allergies kick in. Uncontrollable sneezing, runny nose, itchy eyes... It's going to be one of those days.  The next few hours are spent dealing with email, listening to NPR until Morning Edition is over, then listening to Howard Stern, and getting physically closer and closer to death.

12:00  The almost ex-wife IMs me.  She finally going to see the lawyer on Monday.  She is also broke, and would like some money. In between blowing my nose and coughing, I write her a check, wish her well, and stick it in the mail. God, I'm a sucker.

12:30 Open sandwich girlfriend made.  Enclosed is a note with a big heart on it that simply says Hi.  Tonight, I'm going  to put on an old pair of sweats and my McDonald's basketball tournament t-shirt that I found wadded up in the dryer vent of my house when I moved in, take a Zyrtec so I can breathe again, and build a fire.  After a little while, that sweet woman who made my sandwich and took the extra time to throw in a note will come over.  I will make her dinner, and we will drink vodka, play dice and watch DVDs, and tomorrow, we will go for a long bicycle ride.

This day doesn't suck so bad after all.

 


Today two people have approached me and asked me if my hair is blue in honor of Super Bowl Sunday.

It's not.

The people (both in the supermarket, both complete strangers) seemed disconcerted by this fact.

Apparently, it's JUST FINE to have blue hair if you're doing it as a tribute to something as worthless as a sports team, or better yet, in honor of a huge corporate sporting event where the advertisements and shiny infographics are more interesting than anything actually happening with regard to the game of football.

God help you though, if you happen to have blue hair just because you want to have blue hair! That's insane! There ought to be a law!

It's Segnbora-t's annual daylog! (See January 26, 2000.)

Today's my 28th birthday, but it was rather anticlimactic as birthday stuff has been going on for nearly a week, and the Evil Sports Junk has taken over Tampa. My mom came and visited me from St. Petersburg last weekend to avoid this weekend's traffic, and brought a cake and enough chocolate candy and Goldfish crackers to feed an army, as well as housewares (towels, bathroom rugs, mixing bowls, wineglasses). Is this meant to be a hint that I should grow up or something? Not in this apartment where the Simpsons toys sit in nearly the exact center of the apartment for all to see and play with.

Last night, Tregoweth, Gamaliel, Sylvar, five more non-Everything-assimilated friends, and I went to The Melting Pot; this is the third year I've celebrated there. Not that I really needed any more chocolate, but oh well. There was much wonderful and funny conversation but so little that sticks in the memory. Other than Chuck's suggestion for the worst herbal tea ever, "jalapeno dead guy," Deb's all-time favorite thing to use for a band name, "Piss Blip," and the many, many references to "Caveman Tourist," Gamaliel's description of the friend who took a picture of the flaming turtle chocolate dish the first year we did the Melting Pot gathering.

Today was comparatively nothing. I went to work; we did have our sort-of-monthly pizza party but it wasn't because of me (though free pizza is always good). The traffic was bad enough coming home to make Tregoweth declare that we're not going to go anywhere the entire weekend -- luckily there are other people to go out with, and I'm already scheduled to have dinner with Sean Michael on Saturday.

11:35pm

Not much of this day left, so now is a good time to write about it :)

I woke up late and went into work relatively late. I did a few minor chores there and then spent the rest of the day slacking. I was tired today even though I had 11 hours of rest. I had chinese food for lunch and left work at around 7pm.

CR invited me over for a lan party tonight, but I didn't feel like completley unhooking my computer, dragging it down to my car, then back up 3 flights of stairs to a friend's house and hooking it all back together again only to have to reverse the whole process in the morning when I'm sleep deprived. I probably won't mind doing that on occasion, but I just did that last weekend.

Besides, tomorrow is my dad's birthday and I didn't get him anything. I live about 90 miles south of him, so I guess I'm going to have to haul my butt up there tomorrow and show that I care. My brother works tomorrow, so I guess he won't make it, but he plans to pick something up before I leave.

I've still got Sara on my mind constantly. My co-workers mentioned her twice today, both times resulting in a dip in my mood as I remember when I felt that we were building a relationship. I can't wait for her to finish college; I need to be close to her now. I need to feel love and be loved. I experienced these intense feelings for only a short time, and now I crave them like a drug. It's like being given a taste of heaven, only to be sent back to hell to start all over again.

Today was big...I went up against The Man (i.e. my landlord) and walked away, not necessarily victorious, but certainly feeling good, strong and sturdy. A long story short: he wants me to sign a lease thru August but I leave at the end of April, therefore, I refuse to sign a lease thru August. Ha!

I said, "No, Mr. Landlord, I will NOT bow down to you. You, sitting behind your desk, leaning back in your leather chair, your hair neatly pulled into a ponytail, your New Age books stacked carefully upon your bookshelf. I know you, Mr. Sensitive New Age Guy, and I will not fall for your tricks!"

And Mr. Landlord said, "But, Wimsey, I spent all of this time today drawing up the lease that goes through August. It was a complete waste of time putting together this lease!"

And I said, "Waste of time, my butt, Mr. Landlord! If you hadn't been putting the rip-off of me into writing, you would have been meditating? Sitting cross-legged in front of your desk, muttering your mantra: 'ponytail, ponytail, ponytail'? NO! You probably would have been devising some clever trick to raise my already exhorbinant rent."

So, anyways, now I have to find a new place to live within the next thirty days. I'm not crushed. This apartment has been cursed from the moment it was hit by lightening on August 26, 2001.

so i see that flourescent light
i left on and i think oh no its morning
i dont want to get up im so tired i didnt sleep enough
because i was up chatting and not really doing homework but
when i came home i started reading ulysses by James Joyce
and only got through another page its confusing
and my eyes are aching because they havent been closed long enough
so mom yells for me to get up its 640 and
i know ive got home work that needs to be done and
i havent done it oh well so the anxiety starts building
right after i wake up i try to get out of my water bed but
its not easy to do when im tired so thats a struggle
i get up and my eyes are blurry
ive got my glasses on like always
but have a hard time seeing
and i know theres no caffeine for me
to have but i start walking out of my room
into the hallway upstairs
the sun is starting to come up
i hate that i dont like the sun
it reminds me that i have responsibility for the day
thats already here and
im in the hall and i start walking down the stairs
and i can hear the tv from the kitchen
which is very close to the end of the stairs and
its kevin newman or whatever that guys name is
on good morning america
the quality of that show has steadily dropped
and kevin is saying something about an earthquake
and rising death toll and
i think oh no oh fucking god no
dont let it be her
she has to live
no she cant be dead
oh shit what i am going to do without her
oh no oh no no no no
my heart is racing and
now im really awake afraid terrified
im clutching the banister to hold myself up and he says
india
and i know shes okay and the fear starts to ebb away
i wish there was a god to thank that shes still alive but
god is a lie
oh shes still alive
i didnt lose her
im relieved that was so scary and my heart beat drops back to normal and
i walk downstairs and try to scavenge some breakfast
out of a kitchen full of food i hate
but shes alive thats all that matters

im in my networking class its always cold in school
cant they heat the damn thing
what are we paying money for
it seems the taxes disappear and dont get used they cant even heat the damn school properly
im lucky if its sixty five degrees in my classrooms
so im sitting at my usual spot in front of the network comp they have there
next to chris hes a friend i like him his appearance is nerdy and overweight
i dont care hes funny and intelligent and
we tend to agree on things hes an atheist too
we think religious people are funny
so im sitting there and mr vandiepen hes the networking teacher
and young too he must be in his late twenties but he never treats us as equals
i hate authority consistently
he tells us all to go down to the woods class room
thats where they have all the woodworking stuff
with saws and things like that
we all walk down there and get in this really big room with all the equipment and
the smell reminds me of my grandfather because he always works with stuff like this for fun
thats how he spends most of his time
he must be lonely an old man with his own wood shop but
hes rigid and very old fashioned and doesnt ever show any emotion
so this smell is making me think of that
i see what i think is one of the people that teaches this kind of class
at the far end of the room
there are big doors open
its a dock with a concrete platform
a truck is outside it has a lot of wooden planks on it
we all walk over most of us arent prepared for the biting cold
were all freezing quickly hauling in the wood off the truck
its heavy and cuts my hands im so cold but i dont complain
nobody does were expected to just grin and bear it and
do as were told so i make it look like its no big deal
it takes a while but eventually we finish and
everyone is so cold it hurts i look down at my hands theyve gotten dark black blue kind of color
because the circulation has stopped and i cant feel anything with them
theyre so stiff its scary
but we all get back to the warmer part of school and
my blood starts flowing and my blue hands remind me of her
because they are blue
which is her favorite color because its the sky
which is life and cold because her right hand is cold
for a sad reason my hand might be like that if i didnt meet her

my day is stressful and my eye lid doesnt stop twitching
its still twitching right now as i write this because
i cause stupid problems for myself
i hate responsibility ive got anxiety and stress all day because
my maths class is at the end of the day and i have a quiz
i know im going to flunk the material is easy but
i cant remember it trig precalc is always like that and
mrs martina asks where my worksheet is
its worth twenty points
of course i know that
she doesnt need to tell me
im angry with myself too but i dont show it and
then i have to take the quiz
i dont remember any of this i cant remember the specifics only the generalities
thats why english classes are easier
because they dont test me on specifics as much
just ideas which are much easier to remember
im really starting to hate maths
its always been so easy for me but now its not
i hate that im taking the quiz and i dont know how to solve most of the problems
so its mostly blank
shit
whats she going to think now i messed up again
the period ends but i have to stay there
everybody leaves except me and her
we walk down to the maths office and i have to take another quiz
because im making up the work that i didnt do from last semester
back when i didnt want to live because dying was easier
i just gave up because nobody knew me and
nobody cared for me
and i didnt have any friends
i just wanted to die every day
then i met sym
and those kinds of feelings went away
i want to live now but living is so hard
im taking this other quiz back in a little room thats connected to the maths office and
i dont know anything on this one either and
martina is going to know that i havent done what im supposed to be doing
im not trying hard enough or at all and shes going to get disappointed with me and
i dread her every day
i dont know anything on this quiz
so i guess on the ones that are multiple choice and leave the rest blank
i hand it in to her and
try to get away from there as fast as possible
i start running down the hall
when they cant see me anymore
im just running away from problems and
pain
like always
this time im doing it physically
i race down to my locker
the empty halls of my school are like the empty parts of me
the structure is there but isnt used at all
so i get into my locker after fumbling with the combination lock and
im putting the books into my back pack
theyre heavy i need two or three pages out of each of them but
i end up dragging the whole thousand pages of each because
theyre so big and inefficient heavy
i get my coat and close the locker and
i start walking out of school i think the tough part of my day is over
im relieved everything from now on wont weigh me down
everything is okay
and i dont have to worry
i think about her constantly
all the time
she makes me happy
and alive
i live in pain for her
she loves me
and i love her

and thats all that matters

its so cold outside
i hate that
i dont like winter id rather be too hot and
i run home to the apartment like always
because i know i can find happiness there by talking to her
she keeps me alive and we know each other like nobody else does
we love each other
so i get into the apartment thinking about her
cold and breathing hard from running and
i take off my coat and the dog races downstairs to bark at me until she knows its me and afterward she ignores me
dad comes down the stairs half way and tells me
that im not supposed to know this but mom called and
in three hours shes going to be dropping by
so we can go out to a restaurant and talk
about my future and what im doing and
responsibility
and i hate this
especially because she didnt just come out and tell me
it was secret
i hate it when she does that
so now i have this hanging over my head
i go get something to eat
finally
i havent eaten all day because i didnt have time this morning and
theres never anything good to eat at the house because she always buys what she wants and
im a picky eater she buys crap and everything has to be prepared
she never buys something you can eat without too much fuss
that annoys me and is why i always eat over at the apartment
because dad buys stuff that we both like
we have similar tastes
so im eating and turn on the tv and i see ive missed sailor moon but
i dont care
everything on toonami is a rerun except outlaw star but i always miss that
so i get on the computer while dragonball z is playing
that show is stupid and plotless and the fights arent even that good
so i get online apparently shes having problems with the school network
i go to dk first of course like i always do to see whats going on at my online home
i like it there even though i barely know most of the people
they think im funny and i think they generally like me
so im accepted
im never accepted nobody sees the good parts of me except them and sym and chris
and a few other people
her cast is off but for some reason im just not energetic
and we talk for a bit and im happy
she makes me happy
and warm and loved and i know its worth living for this
and for her
she needs to leave and we say goodbye
but really she never leaves
shes always in my mind
because i love her
she will always be a part of me

mom comes over and i convince them that its not okay to be seen with them in a restaurant
i have a bad enough image already i dont need to make it worse
because i know kids will see me and i dont want to be embarrassed
i cant stand public humiliation i dont take risks of looking stupid
ive lost so much face before that i couldnt recover
but at least now in high school
the normal kids that wear abercrombie wont think im just another idiot like most of them are
because i only ever show myself when im sure i know what im doing
otherwise i try to hide
so i convince her and dad to just stop by the restaurant and get take out
instead of dragging me along
apparently this is supposed to be some kind of birthday celebration too but
that was days ago
and i didnt want anything from them
im already so indebted
that i dont want to take anymore than i usually do
i feel like a leech and i hate that
so we end up eating at the apartment and
we get into a heated discussion and work out the goals i need to accomplish and the stuff i need to do
and shes always so repetitive
it drives me nuts and
i get angry with her very quickly because i just dont have any patience for somebody like that
shes a control freak
and dad recognizes that too so its better to nod and smile and make her think youre paying attention
because she likes to spout inane and obvious and such incredibly simple logical information
its so annoying i hate her
eventually she leaves and things go back to normal
and i think about the
her
that means everything to me
the one i have to meet
and live with
and marry

i talk to symsay
for a while and of course i turn her face red
like i always do
i seem to be fairly good at that
its lots of fun and
the closest i can get to her
but then her dad calls her and kier and avari and she leaves

a long time later she checks back and
i find out shes been watching a movie
with them and thats okay i dont mind waiting
a couple hours
i waited all day
whats a couple hours
i can stand it
and besides
i already talked to her before so i just concentrate on the recent memory of that and
its not so bad i tell myself
and shes coming back tonight so theres no need to worry

sleep drags heavily on me because i kept staying up late and
sometimes getting up real early the last couple of days
but i stay up for her
because shes worth it
even though i just want to crash

she still hasnt shown up ill be patient

the movie must have already ended
but she never checked back in
maybe shes just busy doing something else

now its late and i know shes asleep
because she never stays up this late
ever
but i stay because im patient and
she might still be up and
i dont want to miss her
i waited all week for this

now its 530
and i know its pointless to wait any longer
it hurts that i got ditched for a movie
but she probably doesnt see it that way
and i dont blame her
and she probably just forgot to come back to tell me that she was going to sleep
its not her fault

but i miss her

In retrospect, it's disgusting how whiny, obnoxious and petty I was at the time I wrote this. I'm glad I grew out of that.
i found this in a notebook, dated this day. i find it interesting, somehow. usually my notebooks are not so lucid. --april 25, 2002




It’s so easy to underestimate people. It’s a very bad habit and I’m trying not to. People, for the most part, seem actually to be acutely aware of their surroundings at all times. I can only say that because I know how people change with regard to their environment. I’m not talking about this in an evolutionary sense. I’m just noting what we all know: that people act differently around their parents from how they act around their friends, or their dogs or teachers or what have you. Usually when someone starts talking to a dog or a little white rat or kitten, their fingers will get twitchy and their voices will get very low or very high, depending on how masculine the dog or rat etc. is thought to be. Voices and postures change around this or that person, too, but usually it’s more subtle. I don’t like it when people talk like morons to animals, but at least this is easily identifiable: Oh, ignore him, he’s obsessing over his pet rat.

I’d probably need lots of training and whatnot to be qualified to classify behavioral patterns but I can tell you from my view in this philosophical armchair that it all goes back to the earliest years you can remember. I had a friend in first grade who is textbookperfect for this topic. Her name was Sara, and she had a lot of sweaters. She wore sweaters and stretch pants almost every day. She had this one in particular that was black with little teal, blue and pink sweaters on it. It was fascinating. (She also had a planter’s wart on her foot that she liked to show off, but that is entirely tangential. She really was a good-natured girl.) She really wanted to be tough, to be like a boy, but she wanted the girls to like her, too. (Good-natured, yes, but insecure as hell.) So, around the girls, she’d giggle and talk about the horses she wanted and the fashion magazines her mother subscribed to, and around the boys, she was always up for games of Turtles (more on which later) and jokes about vomit. Playing Turtles entails a borderline-violent game of high-energy tag, wherein everybody is (obviously) a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle, and Sara was very good at it. (I guess I was thoroughly a girl, because somehow I always had to be April, the news reporter who wears the yellow jumpsuit, which was lame.)

It was too bad about Sara that she couldn’t just pick a third personality that resembled who she actually was. Sure, my point’s banal, but I’m feeling wistful to-night. Anyway. This goes on! But the older people get, the more sophisticated they get, and the more seamlessly they blend and hide. I’m not withdrawing my guilt, but I am conscious. I remember I met a guy at the pool at a hotel in California one summer, and, in the course of our one fifteen minute conversation, I gained a year in age (this was before I knew that he was six months my junior anyway) and a brother in the army. I wasn’t trying to impress with that last bit; I just wanted to feel more interesting with no consequences. I can’t be the only one who’s done this.

Log in or register to write something here or to contact authors.