Forgive the venom of the node title, but I had to pick something that would get my point across and get attention. You're reading this, so it must have worked.

I've heard and read much ranting and raving about the male equipment on the part of some females. Perhaps it's just being uninformed, unenlightened or some other reason, but it's wrong. Do not make penile assumptions, because if you've never owned one, you have no right to talk. Women are not evil or mean, but it's unfair for men to assume they know about the penis is they've never owned one. I ain't trying to cut anyone down or insult anyone, but I've got to clarify some misconceptions a few of the the sisters have been making:

First issue: "I mean, how difficult can it be to urinate INSIDE the bowl? It can't be that hard. And yet, it is."

Yes, it is hard. Many women seem to think that a guy is able to whip out his Johnson and be able to draw a precise rendition of a 16th century wood-cut in a snow bank.

Well, that don't happen.

Just because it happens to bear some resemblance to a precision instrument, doesn't mean it *is* one. The male phallus is a very crude tool. And on that note, I will now go into gratuitous detail on the subject of male urination. If you can't handle that subject, go somewhere else.

One, the urethra through which the urine passes is a tube and, like any other kind of flexible tube, will collapse together when no liquid is passing through it. This is a problem because, after the walls of the urethra have been touching for a while, they do tend stick to each other with enough force that the flow of liquid will not immediately separate them. No it's not painful, but it causes a lot of problems.

Until the walls of the urethra are once again fully separated, this has the common effect of a "split stream". This means that the liquid exits the penis in more than one (sometimes more than 3) stream, each with independent and unknown speeds, pressures and trajectories. Trying to predict this would required at least one of those computers they use to predict weather patterns, and even then it would be something of a black art. Besides, what guy wants to stand around for 5 hours while a mainframe does intense calculation on his genitals.

I heard a woman say to this, once, "Well, they should just let it out slowly." To this, I say please see above -- the penis is not a tactical device, and it does not have a speed control. It's either on or off, just like a woman's.

Second Point: Midnight Erections or The morning woody

The male phallus is a device designed to antagonize men. Most (not all, but most) men will admit to having "a morning wood" -- that is, an erection that is present when they wake up. This is not because men are hormonal sex-freaks (though some are), it is because that's just what penises do. A man will wake up, and for X minutes, he'll have an erection that will not go away. This has the unhappy conjunction with that fact that 90% of all human beings need to pee when they get up in the morning because your kidneys don't sleep.

Some will tell you that waiting in the queue at the DMV is cruel. This is worse. Women can imagine it this way -- think about having to "go" to the point of pain, and having the lid of the toilet riveted closed. So close yet so far. Well, that's like having to urinate urgently whilst having an erection.

There are roughly three options here. One, pee in the bathtub. Men, contrary to popular belief, are not pigs. This is not an option. Two, hold it for X minutes of agony while the erection goes away. Remember the saying "a watched pot never boils"? This is not an option. Three, bend at the waist to hopefully aim it a bit lower and see if you can score one for the home team.

Hopefully the dilemma here is obvious. And if you think that peeing with an erection is hard when you're standing, please consider how hard it would be of you were sitting. For say of humorous imagery, it would require ones forehead to be firmly planted on the bathroom floor in order to obtain the right aim.

Third: "Imagine having a horny 12-year-old between your legs at all times."

Lets got back the the subject of erections, shall we. If you're male and don't have ED, you get them. Constantly. Whether you want them or not.

The penis is not an intelligent organ, but it sometimes seems that way -- at the very least it has gained autonomy from the the central control of the brain. This erectile response is separately wired from the brains higher functions. It is impossible (at least without Tantric meditations) to directly control them rigidity of one's penis. I know this sounds silly, but this is the case. This is why it is possible for a woman to rape a man.

Erections happen for the same reasons that nipples get hard. There is no rhyme or reason. Sometimes it's erotic stimuli, though it is entirely common to be sexually aroused and not have an erection. And, conversely, it can happen at the most inopportune times like, say, doing your taxes. As men, we get enough shit about it from other guys, and we don't need more of it from what claims the be "the fairer sex".

So, basically women, what I'm trying to say is that to all you who say "how hard can it be to control", the answer is "How hard is it to control nuclear fission?" Until you have owned a penis and tried to live life with one, don't make unwarranted assumptions.

You should all be grateful we don't all just pee out the window.

Note to any women reading: If you have issue here, it might be fun for one of you to tell me that "It's obvious you've never owned a vagina". Personally, I'm interested on hearing the female counterpoint.

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