I have a wonderful boyfriend
. He knows who I am, as much as someone who isn't me can. He knows my little endearing traits, which become annoying at any great legnth
We have been together for over a month. He is, and has been my best friend for years. We sit together in bed, and read. We have fun together, and we can also do seperate things and enjoy each others company.
We have only been a couple for a month and a half, yet we have been "courting
" for probably the past six months. So our relationship has progressed very fast. We are looking for an apartment to share together, even though I basically live at his place now. We are looking to build a home together. We both talk about our future, 20, 40 years down the line, and speak of us together. I adore it.
I am so happy, utterly happy. Although I would be a liar if I said things were perfect. I know perfect is impossible. I still have crying jags out of nowhere, in a manic state in the middle of the night. I am not sure why. My life has been a state of turmoil. My mother, and my grandparents health is failing at an incredible rate. My friends have been there, yet I haven't had time to really talk to them. They understand, yet I miss them. I have just changed my life plan, for the next few months, if not years. I am probably going to start bartending again on friday and saturday nights so money isn't tight.
I am also scared.
Scared my relationship will fail, and that for the first time I have let someone in, well the first time since I have realized I can be alone and survive.. that I will learn to depend on them, and they won't be there later.
Scared that I will lose my best friend, and my lover, and my partner in my immediate life.. and won't be able to pick up the pieces as I have before. That I will loose my stregnth and stamina that sometimes doesn't seem to exist. That I won't be able to survive another blow to my small world again.
Maybe it seems silly to worry when things are so good. I know that it won't last. The first three months never do. They are the blissful ones. I have faith that we will endure. We have, and can grow together. We trust and communicate. We understand each other. And the end part is.. I have faith that no matter what, I can be alone, and find happiness. I just hope I remember that.