Jed cracked a wide smile as he stepped outside his house for the first time that day. For the first time that year the bright sun warmed his skin. The spring birds chirped merrily and a nice breeze danced through, ruffling the new green grass and leaf-budding tree limbs. He sniffed in a lungfill of the fresh air.
"I love this time of year," he said to himself. "Everything is starting to grow again... the trees, the grass, the flowers..." It was already putting him in quite a good mood.
But there were other things growing around the neighborhood that he didn't know about.
Jed was in such a good mood he decided it would be a perfect time to go visit his neighbor and buddy Charlie. He walked over to his neighbor's house where he found Charlie watering his lawn.
"Hey-eh-eh Charlie," Jed said as he bounded into the yard, "whassup?"
Charlie looked at Jed and frowned. "Whassup?"
Jed hesitated. "Um. What's up?"
"Oh!" Charlie said. "Yes, oh, not much. I am just watering my lawn."
Jed looked his neighbor over. There was something wrong. He unusually greeted Jed cheerfully with a good firm handshake. But today he seemed distant. Not only that, but something in the way Charlie looked that day also bothered Jed. He could not put his finger on it.
"Yes?" Charlie put his hose down.
"Have you done something different with...your hair?" Jed asked, still trying to figure it out.
"My hair?" Charlie ran his hand through his sandy blonde locks. "Maybe. Hey, listen, I have something cool to show you in my shed. Want to come?"
Charlie gestured towards the back of his house. But Jed didn't move. "Or...maybe it's not your hair," Jed said. He studied Charlie more carefully. He walked up closer to him so he was within arm's length. "Have you lost a little weight?"
Charlie stared at Jed. "No, I have not. Have you?"
"No, unfortunately," Jed replied. "Hey, wait... you seem... taller. Yeah. That's it." Jed walked up even closer so he was eye-to-eye with Charlie. "You seem right at my height. I swear you're supposed to be just about a half-an-inch shorter than me."
Charlie narrowed his eyes at Jed and stepped back a little. "That is absurd. I cannot grow that much in one day. It must be these shoes. Now would you like to come take a look at this cool thing I have in my shed or not?"
Jed looked down at the red flip flops Charlie was wearing. "I very much doubt that those are making you seem taller."
Charlie shrugged as Jed examined him more carefully. Numerous things began to jump out at Jed. "Your eyes aren't usually that green. And... your skin. It's really cleaned up. You usually have a bit of acne. And you have done something with your hair. You don't usually wear it like that. It's usually more... spikey."
"Jed, I think that it is just that you have never observed me so carefully," Charlie said. "Are you a... homo-sexual?"
Jed jumped back. "What?! No!" He shook his head violently. "No!" he said again. "You're trying to throw me off my investigation here. Yeah... you're not really Charlie are you? Are you his brother Phil just trying to mess with me or something?"
"No, I am Charlie Fees," Charlie said sternly.
"You haven't said a single contraction," Jed observed. "Like you're Data from Star Trek or something."
"I am not an android," Charlie replied.
"But I don't think you're Charlie!" Jed exclaimed. "Not only are you taller and your hair is different and you're acting funny... I could swear that you had a mole on your neck last week."
"I had it removed," Charlie growled. "Now come on, quit acting foolish and come check out my shed?"
"I don't trust you," Jed declared. "You're not Charlie!"
"Of course it is me!" Charlie said. "Listen, I can prove it to you. Remember the time I had sexual intercourse with your wife?"
"You fucked my wife?!" Jed roared.
"Oh, you did not know about that did you?" Charlie grumbled. "Well, how about the time that I won that neighborhood dead pool when Hunter S. Thompson killed himself?"
"I won that pool, not you!" Jed exclaimed. "All of your picks are still alive except for Anna Nicole Smith, but come on, we all saw that one coming."
"Charlie won a hundred... I mean, I..." Charlie gritted his teeth in frustration. "Listen, hu-mon! You will come back to my shed!"
"What?!" Jed said. "Who... what are you?!"
"Listen, would you just come back to my shed?" Charlie asked, lightening up. "There is buried treasure back there!"
"I'm leaving!" Jed said. He turned to leave. Suddenly, a shovel smacked the back of his head. He dropped like a case of bricks.
"These hu-mons are so picky," the Charlie pod person said to himself. "'You're supposed to be taller!' 'I didn't know you had sex with my wife!'" He rolled his eyes and bent down to pick Jed up.
Jane, Jed's wife, saw Marla, Charlie's wife at the supermarket. Jane smiled as she noticed her neighborhood acquaintance in the produce section.
"Oh, hi Marla!" Jane said cheerily. "Wow. There's something different about you?"
"Really?" Marla said, confused.
"Please forgive me for sounding rude," said Jane, "but, have you had a boob job recently..?"