Last night it was the dream
again and you were in it. You were facing away from me and I could see the back of your neck and the way your hair curls under your collar
. In the dream you smelled like Calvin Klein's Eternity
, lemonade and that strangely dense fragrance that rises up from you and I have no name for. And in the dream I realized what I think I have always known, even when I've denied it; it has always been you that I've wanted. You are the last thing I think of before I fall asleep, you are the first thing I think of before I wake. Knowing you has changed me in subtle but indelible
ways, so much that I cannot quite remember what life was like before I knew you. And in the dream, I grabbed you from behind, and kissed the back of your neck where your hair curled into your collar and whispered, "I love you
And upon waking, I realized once more what I have always known, I will always love you. And I do not speak with the hyperbole and silliness of youthful crushes, but rather with the knowledge that your touches have marked my skin, and that I can summon your image effortlessly just by closing my eyes. And I love you not with an urgency, but with a deliberateness. For you, I would be more persistant and patient than Florentino Ariza in his seemingly hopeless pursuit of Fermina Daza.
But I am not hopeless.
Rather, I am secure in knowing that no matter what happens, no one will ever love you in precisely the same way that I do. Oh, there will be others who fall for you and others whose lives you change, how could there not be, you being who you are? But none of them will know what I feel for you. None of them will relish the memory of each kiss in the exact same manner. And no one else will tremble at your approach or tingle at your touch the way I do.
I will not despair. I will treasure each moment spent with you as one stolen. I will savor the feel of your skin against mine. I will remember your smell. And I will remember the way I can never quite put a name to the color of your eyes. And I will hold your hand and fall asleep listening to your voice.
And I will kiss you. And I will kiss you again and again until, Catullus-like, I lose count of the kisses. I will kiss your eyelids and the backs of your knees and your cheek, and the tender flesh on your wrists. I will devour you with kisses. I will kiss you until my lips remember every place they have touched you and I forget all of my past heartaches.