If you want patience I will give you Kate when I am angry
I am not good at being angry. I do not get loud or violent
or lash out at people but instead become a silent killer
with written words that slice through space like well aimed arrows. Will listen to arguments and highlight the important parts when I write it out later; this is what you said then, this is what it meant to me. Here, take angry and be forced to read it over and over. Here, take madness and decipher it without my help
I am not good at being angry
. I let it build up inside of me for days. Allow it to fester and boil and eventually become intoxicated by it; leaving me cold and distant for hours, days, weeks. Then come crashing down, left sober by the monumental guilt and sadness left in anger’s wake. I will disappear for days
. Oh I may be here, present, visible, but am not here
My mother says I get this from my grandfather. I will have to agree. I’ve handpicked many of his traits to take with me. This probably was stowed away, piggybacking on a trait I wanted, like sincerity or politeness.
I am not good at being angry. And therefore do not get angry
often. I am a gentle person by nature, a lover, a romantic. I would much rather be happy, and so, I am. But I am human and sometimes it is all but impossible. You should know that.
Kate is a waiter. Can wait forever for things I would have long ago grown impatient with. The mail man
, new books, me. Will wait without attention
to time until it has become something of a routine.
It is Thursday when I come in tired of the day and tired of being angry, and mostly, tired of being quiet
and say, sorry to make you wait.
As if I wouldn’t wait for you forever, she laughs. As if I would not wait for you under stars or in dark alleys or under streetlamps. Or here. As if I am not the moth and you are not the dim light in the dark corner that I am eternally drawn too
. As if, she laughs, and kisses my forehead
As if I would not do the same for her, wait here silently until I am reminded
that I do not need to wait for her, anymore.