Somewhere, a light flicks on in the darkness. A door creaks open. A voice booms.

GHOST: KIRA.

KIRA: Y... yes?

GHOST: I HAVE ARRIVED.

KIRA: Who has?

GHOST: I HAVE.

KIRA: Yes, you said that.

GHOST: INDEED I HAVE.

KIRA: Now, who exactly might that "I" refer to?

GHOST: THAT "I" REFERS TO MYSELF.

KIRA: I got that, thanks. Who exactly are you?

GHOST: I AM THE GHOST OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN.

KIRA: Abraham Lincoln?

GHOST: THAT IS WHAT I HAVE SAID, YES.

KIRA: O-kay. Mr. Lincoln -

GHOST: PRESIDENT.

KIRA: I'm sorry?

GHOST: IT'S PRESIDENT LINCOLN TO YOU.

KIRA: O...okay. President Lincoln -

GHOST: YES?

KIRA: What exactly are you doing in my house?

GHOST: I HAVE COME BACK FROM THE DEAD.

KIRA: Back from the dead?

GHOST: THAT IS WHAT I HAVE SAID, YES.

KIRA: Why?

GHOST: I HAVE COME BACK FROM THE DEAD TO CLONE DINOSAURS AND BRING THE WAR TO THE CONGO.

KIRA: ...

GHOST: YOU DO NOT ANSWER.

KIRA: I'm sorry. That must have come off as me being rude and ignoring you.

GHOST: INDEED IT DID.

KIRA: Again, Mr. President, I'm sorry. But you came back to clone dinosaurs and... to bring the war to the Congo?

GHOST: THAT IS WHAT I HAVE SAID, YES.

KIRA: Well... I suppose the thing I can't wrap my head around is why you'd want to do that.

GHOST: DO WHAT?

KIRA: Specifically that whole "clone dinosaurs and bring the war to the Congo" thing.

GHOST: THOSE BASTARDS HAVE HAD IT TOO GOOD FOR TOO LONG.

KIRA: Who, the dinosaurs? They've been dead for about -

GHOST: NO, THOSE OF THE CONGO.

KIRA: "Those of the Congo?"

GHOST: THAT IS WHAT I HAVE SAID, YES.

KIRA: Mr. President...

GHOST: YES?

KIRA: Don't you think that's a little racist?

GHOST: KIRA.

KIRA: Yes?

GHOST: I WAS BORN IN 1809. JUST ABOUT NOTHING SEEMS RACIST TO ME.

KIRA: Fair enough. But weren't you relatively progressive for your day and age?

GHOST: SOMEWHAT.

KIRA: So what exactly do you have against those from - oh, I can't even say it. What do you have against black people?

GHOST: WHAT?!

KIRA: What do you have against -

GHOST: I HEARD YOU! I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST BLACK PEOPLE!

KIRA: But you just said -

GHOST: I JUST THINK THE PEOPLE OF THE CONGO HAVE HAD IT TOO GOOD FOR TOO LONG.

KIRA: Oh, I get it. By "people of the Congo" you don't mean black people, you mean -

GHOST: I MEAN LITERAL PEOPLE FROM THE LITERAL CONGO. CHRIST.

KIRA: Sorry, that was my main misunderstanding. Please, continue.

GHOST: YOU KNOW, KIRA, NOT EVERY BLACK PERSON COMES FROM THE CONGO.

KIRA: I know that!

GHOST: THESE DAYS THERE ARE ACTUALLY BLACK PEOPLE FROM ALMOST EVERY COUNTRY AND CONTINENT.

KIRA: Yes, I know, I just thought you were using an old-timey euphemis-

GHOST: THINKING THAT EVERY BLACK PERSON IS FROM THE CONGO IS ACTUALLY SLIGHTLY RACIST.

KIRA: ...

GHOST: THE MAN FROM THE 1800s JUST CALLED YOU RACIST, KIRA.

KIRA: I know.

GHOST: HOW DOES THAT FEEL?

KIRA: Surreal. Look, I still don't understand why exactly you'd want to go to war with the Congo.

GHOST: NOT GO TO WAR. TAKE THE WAR TO.

KIRA: What?

GHOST: THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.

KIRA: Which war would you be taking?

GHOST: THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

KIRA: Okay. So why do you want to take the war to the Congo?

GHOST: BECAUSE THOSE BASTARDS HAVE HAD IT TOO GOOD FOR TOO LONG.

KIRA: Which Congo has ever had it good?

GHOST: I DON'T KNOW. PICK ONE.

KIRA: The Republic of the Congo?

GHOST: SURE.

KIRA: Because they just had a political coup overthrow their last unquestionably democratically elected government. 

GHOST: UHH...

KIRA: Which was also their first.

GHOST: FINE, THEN. THE OTHER ONE.

KIRA: Oh, the Democratic Republic of the Congo?

GHOST: YES, YES. THE DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC. THEY'VE BEEN TOO LUCKY.

KIRA: The country with the almost 20% death rate?

GHOST: ...IS THERE ANOTHER CONGO?

KIRA: No.

GHOST: WHOOPS. FINE, FORGET THE WAR. I JUST CAME BACK TO CLONE DINOSAURS.

KIRA: Why?

GHOST: SERIOUSLY?

KIRA: Yes?

GHOST: THINK OF HOW AWESOME THAT WOULD BE. WHY THE HELL NOT?

KIRA: Because they'd likely - look, have you seen Jurassic Park?

GHOST: NO.

KIRA: Wait, seriously? What have you been doing for the past twenty years?

GHOST: DECOMPOSING, MOSTLY.

KIRA: Right. Well, basically it's a terrible idea to clone the dinosaurs because they'll all just end up attacking us.

GHOST: AND? ATTACK DINOSAURS SOUND AWESOME.

KIRA: But there's no use for them.

GHOST: THAT'S WHY I CAME BACK TO BRING THE WAR TO THE CONGO.

KIRA: But now that we decided against that...

GHOST: ...I GUESS THERE'S NOT MUCH REASON TO CLONE DINOSAURS ANYMORE.

KIRA: Right.

GHOST: I... I GUESS I'LL SHOW MYSELF OUT.

KIRA: Thanks. (beat) Wait, Mr. President...

GHOST: HMM?

KIRA: You never told me why you were in my house.

GHOST: OH, I'M BURIED BENEATH YOUR FLOORBOARDS.

KIRA: What?!

GHOST: YEAH. SORRY ABOUT THAT.

KIRA: I thought you were buried in Illinois.

GHOST: GOOD. THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO THINK.

KIRA: But... Why lie about where you were buried?

GHOST: YOU SEE, KIRA, BACK WHEN THEY WERE DECIDING WHERE TO BURY ME, ILLINOIS DECIDED TO CLAIM MY BODY. I DID GROW UP THERE, AFTER ALL.

KIRA: So why aren't you buried out there?

GHOST: ...KIRA.

KIRA: Yes?

GHOST: CAN YOU IMAGINE HAVING TO SPEND THE REST OF ETERNITY IN ILLINOIS?

KIRA: ...Oh God.

GHOST: EXACTLY.

KIRA: I understand. Well.... Goodnight, Mr. President.

GHOST: GOODNIGHT, KIRA.

Somewhere, a door creaks shut. A light clicks off. All is silent.

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