Somewhere, a light flicks on in the darkness. A door creaks open. A voice booms.
GHOST: KIRA.
KIRA: Y... yes?
GHOST: I HAVE ARRIVED.
KIRA: Who has?
GHOST: I HAVE.
KIRA: Yes, you said that.
GHOST: INDEED I HAVE.
KIRA: Now, who exactly might that "I" refer to?
GHOST: THAT "I" REFERS TO MYSELF.
KIRA: I got that, thanks. Who exactly are you?
GHOST: I AM THE GHOST OF ABRAHAM LINCOLN.
KIRA: Abraham Lincoln?
GHOST: THAT IS WHAT I HAVE SAID, YES.
KIRA: O-kay. Mr. Lincoln -
GHOST: PRESIDENT.
KIRA: I'm sorry?
GHOST: IT'S PRESIDENT LINCOLN TO YOU.
KIRA: O...okay. President Lincoln -
GHOST: YES?
KIRA: What exactly are you doing in my house?
GHOST: I HAVE COME BACK FROM THE DEAD.
KIRA: Back from the dead?
GHOST: THAT IS WHAT I HAVE SAID, YES.
KIRA: Why?
GHOST: I HAVE COME BACK FROM THE DEAD TO CLONE DINOSAURS AND BRING THE WAR TO THE CONGO.
KIRA: ...
GHOST: YOU DO NOT ANSWER.
KIRA: I'm sorry. That must have come off as me being rude and ignoring you.
GHOST: INDEED IT DID.
KIRA: Again, Mr. President, I'm sorry. But you came back to clone dinosaurs and... to bring the war to the Congo?
GHOST: THAT IS WHAT I HAVE SAID, YES.
KIRA: Well... I suppose the thing I can't wrap my head around is why you'd want to do that.
GHOST: DO WHAT?
KIRA: Specifically that whole "clone dinosaurs and bring the war to the Congo" thing.
GHOST: THOSE BASTARDS HAVE HAD IT TOO GOOD FOR TOO LONG.
KIRA: Who, the dinosaurs? They've been dead for about -
GHOST: NO, THOSE OF THE CONGO.
KIRA: "Those of the Congo?"
GHOST: THAT IS WHAT I HAVE SAID, YES.
KIRA: Mr. President...
GHOST: YES?
KIRA: Don't you think that's a little racist?
GHOST: KIRA.
KIRA: Yes?
GHOST: I WAS BORN IN 1809. JUST ABOUT NOTHING SEEMS RACIST TO ME.
KIRA: Fair enough. But weren't you relatively progressive for your day and age?
GHOST: SOMEWHAT.
KIRA: So what exactly do you have against those from - oh, I can't even say it. What do you have against black people?
GHOST: WHAT?!
KIRA: What do you have against -
GHOST: I HEARD YOU! I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST BLACK PEOPLE!
KIRA: But you just said -
GHOST: I JUST THINK THE PEOPLE OF THE CONGO HAVE HAD IT TOO GOOD FOR TOO LONG.
KIRA: Oh, I get it. By "people of the Congo" you don't mean black people, you mean -
GHOST: I MEAN LITERAL PEOPLE FROM THE LITERAL CONGO. CHRIST.
KIRA: Sorry, that was my main misunderstanding. Please, continue.
GHOST: YOU KNOW, KIRA, NOT EVERY BLACK PERSON COMES FROM THE CONGO.
KIRA: I know that!
GHOST: THESE DAYS THERE ARE ACTUALLY BLACK PEOPLE FROM ALMOST EVERY COUNTRY AND CONTINENT.
KIRA: Yes, I know, I just thought you were using an old-timey euphemis-
GHOST: THINKING THAT EVERY BLACK PERSON IS FROM THE CONGO IS ACTUALLY SLIGHTLY RACIST.
KIRA: ...
GHOST: THE MAN FROM THE 1800s JUST CALLED YOU RACIST, KIRA.
KIRA: I know.
GHOST: HOW DOES THAT FEEL?
KIRA: Surreal. Look, I still don't understand why exactly you'd want to go to war with the Congo.
GHOST: NOT GO TO WAR. TAKE THE WAR TO.
KIRA: What?
GHOST: THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
KIRA: Which war would you be taking?
GHOST: THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
KIRA: Okay. So why do you want to take the war to the Congo?
GHOST: BECAUSE THOSE BASTARDS HAVE HAD IT TOO GOOD FOR TOO LONG.
KIRA: Which Congo has ever had it good?
GHOST: I DON'T KNOW. PICK ONE.
KIRA: The Republic of the Congo?
GHOST: SURE.
KIRA: Because they just had a political coup overthrow their last unquestionably democratically elected government.
GHOST: UHH...
KIRA: Which was also their first.
GHOST: FINE, THEN. THE OTHER ONE.
KIRA: Oh, the Democratic Republic of the Congo?
GHOST: YES, YES. THE DEMOCRATIC REPUBLIC. THEY'VE BEEN TOO LUCKY.
KIRA: The country with the almost 20% death rate?
GHOST: ...IS THERE ANOTHER CONGO?
KIRA: No.
GHOST: WHOOPS. FINE, FORGET THE WAR. I JUST CAME BACK TO CLONE DINOSAURS.
KIRA: Why?
GHOST: SERIOUSLY?
KIRA: Yes?
GHOST: THINK OF HOW AWESOME THAT WOULD BE. WHY THE HELL NOT?
KIRA: Because they'd likely - look, have you seen Jurassic Park?
GHOST: NO.
KIRA: Wait, seriously? What have you been doing for the past twenty years?
GHOST: DECOMPOSING, MOSTLY.
KIRA: Right. Well, basically it's a terrible idea to clone the dinosaurs because they'll all just end up attacking us.
GHOST: AND? ATTACK DINOSAURS SOUND AWESOME.
KIRA: But there's no use for them.
GHOST: THAT'S WHY I CAME BACK TO BRING THE WAR TO THE CONGO.
KIRA: But now that we decided against that...
GHOST: ...I GUESS THERE'S NOT MUCH REASON TO CLONE DINOSAURS ANYMORE.
KIRA: Right.
GHOST: I... I GUESS I'LL SHOW MYSELF OUT.
KIRA: Thanks. (beat) Wait, Mr. President...
GHOST: HMM?
KIRA: You never told me why you were in my house.
GHOST: OH, I'M BURIED BENEATH YOUR FLOORBOARDS.
KIRA: What?!
GHOST: YEAH. SORRY ABOUT THAT.
KIRA: I thought you were buried in Illinois.
GHOST: GOOD. THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO THINK.
KIRA: But... Why lie about where you were buried?
GHOST: YOU SEE, KIRA, BACK WHEN THEY WERE DECIDING WHERE TO BURY ME, ILLINOIS DECIDED TO CLAIM MY BODY. I DID GROW UP THERE, AFTER ALL.
KIRA: So why aren't you buried out there?
GHOST: ...KIRA.
KIRA: Yes?
GHOST: CAN YOU IMAGINE HAVING TO SPEND THE REST OF ETERNITY IN ILLINOIS?
KIRA: ...Oh God.
GHOST: EXACTLY.
KIRA: I understand. Well.... Goodnight, Mr. President.
GHOST: GOODNIGHT, KIRA.
Somewhere, a door creaks shut. A light clicks off. All is silent.