Its tacky but its true. I always did - not because I wanted to be married as such but because I wanted to find that someone to spend the rest of my life with. Someone I could devote myself to. And if you have that person then why not get married? I wasn't in any particular hurry, but I wanted it to happen eventually. one day. A couple of times I even thought I had found that person.

Thing is I don't feel like that anymore. Oh sure I still think its a nice idea - everlasting love, honesty, and companionship blah blah blah - I just don't believe it actually happens. I guess I have lost my faith in lasting human relationships.

There is an oft-quoted statistic that says that 50% of marriages end in divorce these days. What about the other 50% though? How many of them are still together only because of emotional inertia?, because of shared responsibilities? or because they just don't want to face the fact that its all over? How many of those that insist they are happy are actually just experiencing cognitive dissonance because they don't want to admit to themselves that they could put so much time into something that didn't work? How big is that steadily shrinking percentage of long-term happily married couples? I don't think its very big at all. I'm not sure it even exists.

And so when I see friends get married I am glad they are happy now, but I pity them for what I'm sure is ahead. I always hope it all works out for them but somehow I don't think it will. And as for me, I don't want to get married anymore. The times I have been hurt in the past, I was still able to dimly remember how to function on my own. I was able to slowly claw my way back to a relatively stable platform of self-reliance, and I don't want to give that up again. Because If I did then maybe next time it would last 5 or even 10 years before everything fell apart, and I don't think I would survive that.

it didn't turn out the way you wanted it to
it didn't turn out the way you wanted it did it?

- The Wretched Nine Inch Nails

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