Good evening, ladies and gentlemen. It's my job as spokesperson
for the Concrete Manufacturer's and Distributors Affiliated
Brotherhood of Greater New York to assist you in making a a selection this
coming November that will be in the best interest of the nation. That is why I
heartily encourage you to consider Mayor Rudy Giuliani for the office of
President of the United States of America.
Now, a lot of Mr. Giuliani's opponents are so myopic and simple-minded that
they assume that somehow he's got the GOP nomination wrapped up
because he happened to be Mayor of New York City when the horrific events of
September 11, 2001 transpired. Well, I submit to you that were that true,
similar logic would've resulted in a change to The Constitution of the United
States of America allowing George W. Bush to run for a third term as
President. The reason? Because he led this great
nation through the trials and tribulations of the same awful day. But he
can't run again; so we must consider a fine Republican candidate who
will stop Hillary Rodham Clinton and the progress of her sinister Democrat agenda1.
When was the last time we had a "law and order" President? If you think that
Janet Reno was tough on crime, just imagine an Attorney General like Diane
Giacalone, the Federal Prosecutor who stood by Mr. Giuliani's side during
the long and potentially deadly criminal prosecution of John Gotti and
stemmed the tide of infiltration of La Cosa Nostra into the fabric of New York commerce?
Before Mr. Giuliani, then as a Federal Prosecutor, finally put Gotti and his
Italian-American underlords behind bars for good, I'll tell you one thing; the fabric of New York
commerce resembled crushed velvet covered with clear vinyl slipcovers.
Despite her Ivy League legal training, could you just imagine Mrs. Clinton
being put in the position of prosecuting the likes of a criminal mind like Paul
Castellano? She claims "It Takes A Village" to raise a child; a little baby
child. So what would she do when faced with one of the fiercest criminals in
modern times, call in the National Guard? No, as cunning as she may seem, Mrs.
Clinton has never seen the hard-boiled world of the United States Justice
department. Verily, she'd never seen the hard-boiled world of New York politics
until she moved to Chappaqua and re-assured the people of the great state of New
York that she'd be a fine player with the words "well, I have no intention of
running for public office at this time."
Who was the man who single-handedly removed the lurid cesspool of fleshpots
and drug-dealing that was the old Times Square, and replaced it with a safe,
gleaming family-friendly district of shops and attractions,
bringing millions into New York City's coffers? And speaking of New York City's
coffers, Mr. Giuliani also balanced the budget of that great city for the first
time in decades, by paring back the layers of useless
bureaucracy and malfeasance that the City's government had
become burdened with. And how did he do that? A long time ago someone carved the words "Give
me your poor ... your huddled masses" on a great monument in New York's harbor.
Well, without actually defacing the Statue of Liberty, Mr. Giuliani distinctly
rescinded the invitation. That's why to this very day the only poor
you'll see in New York City are those who're wealthy enough to live there, and
the only huddled masses will be assembled at the doors of the soup-kitchens in
New York's outer boroughs.
You say you insist upon comparing Mr. Giuliani to Mrs. Clinton? Okay, I'll
tell you what. At first, Mrs. Clinton's husband swore to the people of this
great nation that "he did not have sex with that young woman!"
Well, c'mon, Bill, be a man! Rudy schtupped his girlfriend right in
Gracie Mansion while he was still married. So if it's a philanderer you
want, Rudy Giuliani offers the best of both worlds; he's a philanderer alright.
And fear not, opponents of adultery; suffice it to say after his extensive
prostate surgery, he won't be able to engage in any hanky-panky in the Oval
Office even if the young woman he's in there with is Larry Flynt's
"Pet of the Month."
And while many see an advantage to what Clinton supporters boast would be
vastly superior levels of experience via the Clinton's "buy one, get one free"
philosophy, it works the other way around, as well. The level-headed observer
will find little difference between the President's "did not have sex" utterance
and Mrs. Clinton's "I have no intention ... at this time." The level of vile
political double-speak that embodies the Clinton's apparent effort to please
all of the people all of the time is so transparent yet devious that it
frankly makes me feel like taking a shower every time I think of it.
If you're leanings are to the left, I implore you, get real with yourself
and face the fact that the political pendulum can't possibly move as fast as you
think it will. Do you for one moment think that the same morbidly obese, narrow-minded,
bible-thumping, homophobic herd of Holsteins who elected George W.
Bush twice will elect a smart, articulate woman to the Presidency?
There's a gaggle of fine women (and men, for that matter) who label
themselves "homemakers." These people have conveniently forgotten the
fact that Mrs. Clinton said a long time ago that she couldn't be bothered
staying home and baking cookies. These women are going to vote for Hillary not
because of careful forethought nor political conviction, no. They're going to vote for Hillary merely
because she has a vagina. If that's the only criterion for these people to
vote for a candidate for President, I can tell you that there are plenty of
post-operative transsexuals out there who'd like to run the country. And the
post-operative transsexuals typically are far more attractive and big-busted
than Ms. Clinton, so long as we're taking measure of feminine attributes2.
While we're on the subject of Mrs. Clinton's vagina, I need not remind you
that indeed she's used that very organ of her body for personal gain in the past
(having used it to whelp her only offspring, by way of proving to the world that
the Clinton family was not barren and was indeed a family.) Now, show me Hillary
Clinton's face on a good day and I'll show you the face of a woman who's never
enjoyed the physical bliss that is the female orgasm. There is a school of
thought that doubts that Mrs. Clinton is even still in possession of her vagina,
after rumors surfaced of an advertisement in the Washington Post: "For
Sale, a vagina, used only once; $500. Telephone 555-1234." Another school of
thought focuses more on why the Clinton vagina does not reek to high heavens from disuse to the point of
atrophy. The answer is simple. Maya Angelou comes in to clean twice a week.3
Rudy Giuliani has earned the privilege of becoming our next President due to
years of diligent public service and exemplary leadership. Not merely because he
was in City Hall when the jets hit the Twin Towers. The latter is faulty logic
and even Mr. Giuliani has admitted it. When you think of achievement, what can
be said about Mrs. Clinton's record? Precious little. Let me close by addressing
an important issue which has not yet been mentioned by Mrs. Clinton herself
about her opponent, but which has been raised by liberal fund-raising
organizations: Rudy Giuliani is a cancer survivor. Now, in closing, let me ask
you, my friends, what word would you rather see associated with the next leader
of the free world? "Survivor" or "Menopause."
Good night, ladies and gentlemen, and may God Bless America!
- You know, the usual whiny liberal platform planks only achieved by
imposing an unrealistic tax burden on the American public: socialized
medicine, same-sex marriage, abortion as birth control, decriminalization of
marijuana, and a chicken in every pot.
- Don't take my word for it; just take a drive on Tenth Avenue south of
34th Street in New York City any evening after dark, look at the
pedestrians and you'll have your proof.
- This because Ms. Angelou spends three days doing laundry and scrubbing
floors for Condoleezza Rice.