You all know me as Behr, beloved friend to all and all-around great guy. But did you know that Behr has issues? Yes, I know we all have issues and we need to discuss them per a video I saw on YouTube recently and so I am now going to discuss the particular obsession I have had for many years. Thank you.
Behr, as you know, came of age in post-war Germany in a house near the Berlin Wall. What you don't know is that at the age of consent in many countries Behr was brought by his mother, a stern and unnatural woman, to the city of Baltimore during a crime spree. Behr, your friend, was terrified by what he saw. And Behr was new to Baltimore and didn't have any friends. It would be decades before he met current friends Chopper, The Slow Kid, and guy who always wears an old rock concert t-shirt with the sleeves torn off. So, Behr needed something to keep his mind occupied, and his thoughts drifted to the idea of somehow inspiring the President of the United States and the First Lady to have sex. This thought continued in my mind to the point of becoming an obsession and making me physically ill to the point I was having some kind of orange bits coming out of my back end at the least convenient moments. Once I was trying to scam local ladies into giving me ten dollars to mow their lawn and then running off with the cash and then coming back the next week to run the scam on the same lady again but with a disguise.
So the letter writing became a reality. At the time the president was Gerald Ford, and so I sat down and studied articles on him and his wife and then began taking pen to paper (which we did in those days) and writing down my thoughts for the letter that would inspire passion between the President and the First Lady.
I know you think it sounds nuts or that Behr is around the bend, as the youth of today say, but when you really think about it is there a greater reward for you as a writer to inspire the President and the First Lady to get it on with your words? You know what I mean? See: Winky Eyes an important article by me.
Now many of you may be wondering how at a tender age I was able to come up with the kind of bold flavored sauce that it improved barbeque one hundred percent? I didn't. But what I did do was figure out how to inspire passion between the President and the First Lady (an American thing if you are foreign you probably don't know about these titles being foreign).
What is it that dictators in power hate more than anything else? It is the loss of their manhood and their sexy man. The job at the top is a grueling experience with so much responsibility and so many forks in the fire you barely have time to take a viable shit. Your wife is probably busy as well doing First Lady kind of stuff and you probably don't "bump yuckies" anymore (an expression my friend from work's kid who just turned twelve and learned about sex on a dirty channel). Using this expression is extremely offensive and should never be used in conjunction with the President and the First Lady. I rest my case.
So I wrote this letter out of the goofness is my young heart and my need to reach out to people and inspire them. It was a long letter about the demands of the job of POTUS and how I hoped it hadn't done anything to damper the romance between himself and the First Lady because they were such a handsome couple. I sent it off with a smile, feeling I had done all I could to make my greatest dream come true.
And I will never know for sure if my letter inspired them to a night of lovemaking, but that isn't important. In the bowels of my heart I know it to be true and I hold up that thing in the air and wave it around like I just do not care. And I would continue writing a letter to each President of the United States (which is what I meant by POTUS earlier in our call). And I am absolutely certain I inspired each of our Presidents, from Gerald Ford onwards, not including Kenyan strongman Barack Obama, but also writing back in the early 1980s to Richard Nixon trying to get the old sparks flying between hiim and Pat.
The name of the game is like any sales job you might get as a novice businessman of some note. It is clearly sounded out when spoken but on the outsides it has dull, unintelligible sounds. You start with a regular routine and then make subtle alterations to directly target the current President for arousal. You want him to feel his manhood is being challenged. So you tell him about how he and his wife are a handsome couple. Then you worry, which gets your letter past the censors because when you worry they know you aren't up to anything. You worry that they are losing the romance and the passion between them and asking them to make sure to "take time out for love" (a phrase I've used for almost every president except Bill Clinton because he took plenty of time out for love and I don't know why I was even bothering writing that to him anyway. It was just to keep the streak alive, but Obama doesn't count because he wasn't born in this country and is a communist. End of paragraph.
In short, if you have a desire to write a letter to inspire passion between our current President and First Lady then follow these simple steps. Crawl forward when sitting at an in-table buffet, have a core idea, such as questioning his manhood, and then tailor the letter specifically for him. You have as good a shot as anyone at inspiring them to a night of topsy-turvy, tax cut waving, naked fun. It is up to you to see if your writing skills are up to the task.
Now, I am a famous columnist here on this website, and you may be just "playing around with words" (hoink hoink). So you may not think you have what it takes but remember that I started doing this when I was around twelve.